Manning Family Reunion

Federal officials execute search warrant on Michael Vick's former Smithsfield, VA home

2007-06-07T19:12:00.000-04:00

I'm going to start updating this blog again for rather selfish reasons, (ok, purely selfish reasons) and this is the NFL news of the moment.

I've also realized that one of the reasons we stopped updating besides laziness is that we may have tried too hard to focus purely on humor pieces.

ESPN's Sportscenter and USA Today are reporting that Federal officials have become involved in the potential dog-fighting case against Michael Vick and have conducted a new search of the property.

From Surry County attorney Gerald Poindexter's statement that "they were going out there to dig," it would appear that Federal authorities may have executed a warrant similar to the one that Poindexter prevented Surry County officials from executing. The Surry County warrant would have permitted officials to dig for corpses of dogs that had purportedly been buried on the premises of Vick's property.

USA Today also reports that, in addition to dog corpses, Poindexter "believes Federal officials and the state police were searching for various parts of the wood floor and walls which could be covered with dog blood."

The execution of the warrant clearly flies in the face of Poindexter's deliberate (some say snail-like) pursuit of evidence of Michael Vick's involvement in the dog-fighting that took place on the property.

Just earlier today, Sheriff Harold Brown had been cited by ESPN in an update to the investigation. According to that report, Brown was hopeful that a task force which included US Department of Agriculture agents, could "meet by sometime next week to see how credible the evidence is and how best to proceed." Brown also seemed to echo Poindexter's deliberate proceeding when he stated "I know it's taking some time, but we're just being careful."

Several posts have been devoted to this subject over at Sports Law Blog, which I follow closely (I sent in the question regarding Vick and the NFL's personal conduct policy), and it will be interesting in the coming days to read their commentary on the involvement of the Federal authorities under the Department of Agriculture and the speedy execution of the latest warrant.

Yes, I entered this blog as my entry into the Ladies... Hot Blogger Bracket

2007-06-06T08:11:00.000-04:00

So it's ostensibly seasonal, never updated, and run by the members of Deadspin's AAA Affiliate Fantasy Football League.

We had some quality blogging going on here last football season though, and I was very proud of my anagram post, which is what I submitted. You can guarantee that come NFL pre-season, we'll be drafting again, drinking again, and blogging again (sadly, for alliterative purposes, I could not come up with a d-word for blogging).

Vote early, and vote often.

It may be a slightly different crowd, if it turns out the lower finishing entrants into the Official Deadspin Fantasy Football League are indeed subject to relegation, but we'll be here.

Right guys?

Right?

Guys?

A Memorandum of Understanding

2006-11-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

November 7, 2006

To: Steelers Fans
From: Eirishis, on behalf of Browns fans
Re: What to do for the rest of this season
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Though you surely need no reminder, it is helpful to briefly describe the current problem. The ("Your") Pittsburgh Steelers, defending Super Bowl Champions and perennial playoff participants, have lost six of their first eight games, practically eliminating them from any serious playoff consideration. While the team as a whole has played well enough to win many of its games, the team is weak in two particular areas. First, their defense can't stop anyone from scoring at least 20 points. Second, their quarterback appears to have taken a few too many hits to the ringer, and believes that any person on the field, regardless of uniform, is an eligible and favorable receiver.

As the result of the team's rare failure to compete for the postseason, many of you Steelers fans are unfamiliar with what to do for the remainder of the NFL season. In spite of the difficulties we've had in the past, I'd like to offer some sympathetic advice on behalf of Browns fans, who are familiar with the situation in which you now find yourselves. Below are the five keys to surviving the remainder of the season with the right attitude and your affection for your team in place.

1) Understanding the Problem

It is imperative that you understand your plight. You are done for the season. Completely. Seriously. Give up all hope now. Sure, it would be fun to make little scenario sheets showing how, by winning their last six games, the Steelers could eek out the #6 spot in the AFC, then make a run just like they did last year! And it would be completely futile. You will be better off if you accept the fact that your team, simply put, sucks this year.

2) Lower Your Expectations

Even if you understand that your team sucks, it will be miserable to watch them if you keep hoping that they will win every week. Instead, expect the Steelers to lose. Expect this to happen right up until the moment the final gun sounds. Don't care if they are winning by 30 - know in your heart that they will find a way to blow it. For an example of the effects that attitudes can have on the pysche of the fan, look no further than Week 8, which I enjoyed with a Steelers fan. While I blissfully assumed that the Browns would find a creative way to blow a late lead at home to the Jets, the Steelers fan worked out mental scenarios under which his team could come back to win "a game they should win" against lowly Oakland. When the Browns held on, I was amused and pleasantly impressed. When his Steelers fell short, he was mortally wounded. Lower expectations, lest your heart be broken every week.

3) Embrase the College and Fantasy Games

Nothing helps out the fan of a pitiful NFL team more than thinking of who they can draft to solve the problems next year. To that end, I suggest limiting your NFL viewing on Sundays to the Steelers game only, and refocusing your weekly football viewing on the collegiate level. If you don't have a team already, I suggest sticking with your regional allegience and picking up the Pitt Panthers. Are they BCS competitors? Hell no, but they can wreck the party for others, and that's always fun to watch.

If college isn't your thing, throw yourself into your fantasy team even more than you have in the past. Watch the games in which your players are involved. If they play the Steelers, root for your players over your team. Remember - the Steelers are toast. Your fantasy team still has hope.

4) Drink heartily from the Haterade.

There will be plenty of time next year to cheer for your men in the gold and black. In the meantime, spew hatred at them like so much spittle on Cowher's mighty chin. Tell Roethlisberger that you wish he had been more serioulsy injured in his accident. Mock Charlie Batch for attending Directional Michigan. Threaten to cut Troy Polamalu's hair. Seriously, there is no end to the fun you can have when you let out all of the negative feelings you know you already harbor for the Steelers. Think of this as a cleansing purge, like a big ol' dose of Kaopectate for your football soul.

5) Above all else, actively cheer against the Ravens and Bengals.

Here is where Browns fans have the most to offer our Pittsburgh brethren. You stood beside us in 1995-96 when Art Modell moved the Browns to Baltimore, and joined us in loathing the new franchise. Similarly, you seethed as the Bengals hired Marvin Lewis and began to rise from the ashes to become a "respectable" franchise once again. However, your overall level of hate for these franchises has been, for the most part, lacking. This is understandable - you needed to reserve energy so that you could cheer for your team. As Browns fans, we've never had such a concern - all of our energy could be devoted towards hating others. But now that the Steelers are out of it, you should shift the energy you used to spend on your team, and use it to fuel your hate for the remainder of the AFC North.

Besides ... what is there not to hate about the Ravens and Bengals? They wear stupid uniforms. Brian Billick and Chad Johnson are massive douchebags. Ray Lewis might try to kill you, and Chris Henry might try to sleep with your teenage sister. They serve cities rife with racial problems. Clearly, the conclusion here is that the teams, as an aggregate, are racist, criminal, poorly-dressed dickheads.

I hope these suggestions are helpful for you as you deal with the difficult times ahead for the next eight weeks. Above all, remember that whatever you need to do to survive this season, there is always hope for next year. After all, it's not like you are cheering for the Browns.

Best wishes,
Eirishis

Put Me In Coach....Please

2006-11-06T16:35:00.000-05:00

Ummm, Coach. Yeah. So….how’s it going? Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, I’m feeling pretty good in case you were wondering. Im ready to, you know, get back out there whenever you say. Did you see me doing those sprints earlier in your front yard? Yeah, that was me. My ankle is as strong as ever. I’ve been running on it for days now, actually. I swear my foot feels great. What? You think I’m limping still? You heard my back is sore also? Who said that? Garrard? I don’t know. It feels pretty good. How about letting me take a few snaps with the first team?

What? Yeah, I guess that was a decent win yesterday. Thanks to our defense. It's not like we were playing the Colts, you know. I'm just sayin'. Lots of missed opportunities on offense also. We gotta do something about that before it's too late.

I know I told you I was ready to play last Sunday. But you were right- it was probably better for me to just sit that one out. I mean, you didn’t really bench me. I was hurt and you sat me for my own good. Saving me for the big games, right? But I’m ready now. Oh yeah, 100% ready. Coach?

What do I think of Garrard? Umm, well…. he’s ok, I guess. For a 4th Round pick. He’s kind of short, though, isn’t he? And he sure is quick to run with the ball. I mean, its gotta piss you off when you call a play and he just starts running. Does he think you're an asshole or something? Maybe he just doesn't respect the play-calling. I'd hate it if a player didn't listen to me, but I guess you are cool with it. He definitely has happy feet back there. He probably can't even see over the fucking line. Pussy.

Hey coach, did you know Im 6ft 4? Yeah, it's true. I'm pretty tall, even for a quarterback. I was drafted real high, you know. Yep. Remember how my lineman carried me up the field back when I was at Marshall? Anything for the team.

Like I was saying to Wayne the other day. You know, Mr. Weaver? Great guy. Well I was over at Wayne's the other night talking about things. Boy, he sure spent a lot of money on me.

Do you like Herm Edwards? Yeah, me too. I heard he’s going to play Trent Green as soon as he comes back from that concussion. Makes sense to me. I mean, you know what they say, right? A player doesn’t lose his job to injury. Sure would be a dick move to do something like that to a guy.

What? You think I need another week off to rest my ankle? You want me to be super duper duper healthy when I come back? I’m not sure I agree with you there, coach. I mean, my foot feels fine. Really. I know you don’t want me to get hurt out there, but hey, I’m willing to risk it.

Coach?

2006-11-06T12:23:00.000-05:00

The Positive I Take Away From This,
Is that Peyton Manning Still Has a Big Dumb Face

Manning/Brady Bowl ver 8.0 (or something) seemed to be designed purely to make all facets of football fans yell horrifying things at their television sets. Bad calls all around, horrific defense, terrible field goal attempts, and a new (to me) Peyton Manning commercial. I swear to go, the only thing keeping me from putting the universal remote through my girlfriend's TV screen was that "Alarm Clock Catastrophe" Dunkin' Donuts commercial. Oh, They Might Be Giants, I can't stay mad at you.

The Hype - the elite QB's: Manning Versus Brady, the explosive rookie running backs: Addai versus Maroney, the kicker duel: cash-dump Vinatieri versus shaky rookie Gostowski. The end result was not what I would call an exciting game. This looked like what happens when I get cocky and crank the difficulty up in Madden. Laser rocket arm and his best buddy connect in the most impossible of manners, and Brady looks like the recent zombie reincarnation of Ben Roethlisberger. And the refs looked like they were trying to make the game more exciting (read: frustrating) for everyone.

So what reprocussions result from this game? The easy way out is to say that it doesn't matter until Manning beats Brady in the postseason, but it does matter now. Pats showed a weakness in their clutch passing schemes. I hate to agree with Madden, but when you're on 4th down or in the red zone, you're kind of screwed without a #1 receiver. Manning and company not only executed passes extremely efficiently on offense, but also somehow discouraged a Pats running game that seemed quite effective for the first two quarters.

The only thought consoling me is that someone on here will likely post a hilarious Manning conversation about this. Pardon my lack of style this time around, I've had a hangover since Saturday morning (tequila + Rockstar energy drinks = me waking up on a washing machine at 7:30am when I had to be at work at 8).

Fast Forward

2006-10-28T09:13:00.000-04:00

Can we just skip Saturday for once?

I know it would make use lose a precious weekend day, but honestly, I can't think of another Saturday that I just wanted to be Sunday. I hate it that this makes me sound like a bad Monday Night Football commercial, but it's true.

The World Series is over, so we don't have any more baseball to look forward to (unless they're televising the MLB All Star vs NPB All Star games). There is the convenient bonus of no more Tim McCarver or Scooter the talking baseball, although Joe Buck is becomingly frighteningly ubiquitous and Chevy is probably going to keep airing those "This is Our Country" ads until the next natural disaster, after which they will have a new catastrophe to exploit and splice together with images of the Civil Rights Movement. I don't get it either.

The NCAA Football schedule is incredibly weak today, with both the number one and two teams in the country, Ohio State and Michigan, respectively, facing teams that are winless in the Big Ten. Both teams, Minnesota and Northwestern, are notorious for porous run defenses that get the term "gaping hole" appended to them more than a gonzo anal porn flick.

I suppose it would make for a great upset story, but it just seems pretty unlikely to me.

There's only one matchup between two ranked teams, and, at least to me, the only moderately interesting games probably won't be televised. I'm interested to see how many yards the Air Force Falcons, which has averaged 279 yards on the ground per game (think the Atlanta Falcons of the NCAA) can put up on the ground against BYU, and I'm interested in how many inflatable penises make it to the Penn State vs. Perdue tilt.

I know people are probably going to fixate GA v. FL and G. Tech vs. Miami (Fl) today, but I can't get excited about either game.

The Bulldogs have no clue who their quarterback is, it seems, while Florida is sitting pretty with Tebow and Leak. I would have to say that UGA is going to be a pretty big underdog in this one.

As for the Yellow Jackets against the Canes, something about letting 12 players involved in the big brawl against FIU back into a big game against a conference foe just rubs me the wrong way. You could say that it was just convenient, but it doesn't seem like punishment to me if a dozen players miss a cushy game against a horrible Duke team and get to run back on the field in a tough matchup that will help decide the conference champion. That said, Miami has a rough schedule ahead of it, while Ga Tech should be able to more or less coast into their season finale against the Bulldogs.

So there you have it. Saturday football? Meh.

Bring on Sunday.

My picks for the AFC North (home team in CAPS)

Atlanta at CINCINNATI (-3.5) - Mike Vick is coming off a career performance against the Steelers, but I would look for them to work their run game more today against a weak Cincinnati run defense. I think if Vick throws more than 25 times, he'll get burned. And I think Chad Johnson could live up to his boasts this week. Either that, or the Falcons will double him too much and let TJ Houshmandzadeh get some big plays in. I'll take the BENGALS.

Baltimore (+2) at NEW ORLEANS - The Ravens wouldn't have the quarterback troubles they are having if Jamal Lewis was rushing like his old self. As it is, Lewis hasn't broken the century mark this season, the Ravens haven't established the run game, and the quarterbacks have been forced to throw way too often. That said, I don't like the Saints run defense. The Ravens are coming off a bye week and Lewis should be rested (one hopes). I think he gains 100 yards for the first time this season, and the RAVENS take the upset in the Superdome.

New York Jets (+1.5) at CLEVELAND - How are the Browns favored in this game? They have no run offense, and consequently, they have no offense at all. I know the Jets defense has been horrible, but I think they can contain Reuben Droughns, who is averaging 3.2 yards a carry. The Browns pass rush is poor, and they aren't very opportunistic. If Chad Pennington can sit in the pocket and find his receivers, the Jets will be all over the Browns. Take the JETS.

Pittsburgh (-9) at OAKLAND - This doesn't look right to me. Pittsburgh is going into Oakland at 2-4, with Ben Roesthlisberger banged up, after they gave up 41 points to the Falcons. Does this look like an upset special to anyone else? I can't take the Raiders though. Their offense is still non-existant, even though Randy Moss popped his head up to say hi last week. Pittsburgh is going to run the ball all day, especially if Big Ben's head is still ringing. Willie Parker has a big game every other game. Since he only went for 47 yards against the Falcons, I think he'll have a big game today. Take the STEELERS.

The Marques Colston Travesty

2006-10-24T21:52:00.000-04:00

To: "Big Ricks", Commissioner, Yahoo Deadspin AAA League

Sir,

There is a problem in our league which demands your immediate attention. I had hoped that the issue would resolve itself and that this request would not be necessary. Unfortunately, the problem continues to fester and I fear there will be no resolution unless you act swiftly and decisively.

As you are undoubtedly aware, Marques Colston is presently designated as both a Wide Receiver and a Tight End in Yahoo fantasy football. This hybrid designation, frankly, is a farce and would be almost funny if it did not threaten the very integrity of our league.

Although I am not normally one to complain about the fairness or absurdity of a league's rules, I cannot turn a blind eye to this gross loophole any longer. Let me first state that I have no problem with Marques Colston as a human being. He is an excellent player and, as a rookie seventh round pick, has exceeded everyone's expectations. Nevertheless, even the casual follower of the NFL knows that Mr. Colston is a strictly, solely and inalterably, a wide receiver. Through no fault of his own, however, Mr. Colston has been given, essentially, an otherworldly power to play both Tight End and Wide Receiver in the same season.

That Mr. Colston has been labeleded a Tight End is baffling. This is not a close call. Mr. Colston is 6ft 4 and 231 pounds according to NFL.com. (Which lists his position as, naturally, wide receiver.) While perhaps taller than your average wideout, you can tell by his frame that Mr. Colston is not a Tight End. To give you some perspective, TE Jeremy Shockey is 6ft 4 and 251 pounds. I know Jeremy Shockey, I've seen Jeremy Shockey play. Marques Colston-- you are no Jeremy Shockey.

My repeated attempts to get an explanation for Mr. Colton's unique status have, so far, gone unanswered by the powers that be at Yahoo.com. My efforts frustrated, I now appeal to you, Big Ricks, as commissioner of our league, to put an end to this insanity and remove the Tight End label from Mr. Coltson's profile.

As commissioner of our league, you have the power, nay, the duty to settle the dispute and return Mr. Colston to his singular, proper position. I realize that when you signed up to be commissioner you probably did envision having to settle cutting-edge issues such as this one. With great power, however, comes great responsibility.

I had hoped it would not come to this formal complaint and I want you to know that I do not hold you primarily responsible for the bastardization of Mr. Colston. That dishonor, of course, goes to the GM of the team that is presently using Mr. Colston in his unearned fashion- the aptly named Summers Eve and the D-bags.

The D-bags have flagrantly taken full advantage of the glitch and played Mr. Colston at Tight End ever since he picked him up off the waiver wire. The effect of this is obvious. Tight End, as all fantasy players know, is a difficulticult position to fill. For example, I have been forced to use Bo Scafie and Marcus Pollard at this position with abysmal results while Summers Eve exploits the system with Marques Colston and his 414 yards receiving and 4 touchdowns. Yes, Mr. D-Bags, you may outscore your opponents, but at what cost? Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you no sense of decency?

The honorable and proper solution would be for you to forfeit all of the games in which you have played Mr. Colston as your Tight End. Since you lack honor, I know that is unlikely. Another solution that I would accept would be for you to simply waive Mr. Colston. Clearly, sir, you have lost the privilege of using this fine rookie for the remainder of the season. Or perhaps the rest of us could just be allowed to play our kickers at Tight End. Should you, or anyone else in the league, have other suggestions, please feel free to submit them.

I await your response.

Sincerely,

rsr26
Aka Mary Beth's Box

CC: Roger Goodell; Gene Upshaw; Marques Colston

An Open Letter To Chris McKendry

2006-10-22T22:58:00.000-04:00

Most of you know me as "Hammerin" Hank Goldberg, the man who gives out sage gambling advice every Sunday morning on ESPN. If you catch me on Sundays, then you also know my on-air partner, the beautiful and funny Chris McKendry. I have a confession to make: Chris, I love you.

Now those of you who watch already know this. You would have to be blind not to see that I am smitten for the lovely Chris. Sunday morning, when I was picking New England to cover the 6 against a Bills team which was 3-8 against the number in October against AFC East opponents, all I could think about was her in my arms. Seeing her beautiful smile was like me middling the Panthers early this week at +3.5 and then getting the Bengals at kick off at -2.5. Like that game, Chris, with you I just can't lose! My feelings for you are a “lock”-- sort of like Pittsburgh at home giving 3 points or less after a road win by 10 or more. They are 9-1 ATS in that situation, by the way.

If we were together, I know we would be happy. Just like the time I hit the superfecta at Aqueduct last year. What is it about you that intrigues me so? In many ways you remind me of Genuine Risk, the 1980 Derby Winner. That filly came out of nowhere to win the derby and steal America’s heart- sort of like how you have stolen mine. Genuine Risk, by the way, went off at 13-1 that day and was only the second filly to ever win the Derby; the first, of course, being the chestnut mare Regret in 1915. What an underrated little horse that was!

Don’t you get it , Chris? The over/under on my love for you is infinity, and I’ll be taking the over. If you have some vacation time, please get out of freezing Bristol and down to Miami ASAP and let‘s see where this thing goes. I thought we could take in some Jai Lai and then head over to Calder to catch the Graded Stakes they are running next week. If you can't make it until November, don't worry- Calder will be simulcasting the Breeders Cup.

So what do you say, Chris? I know in life there are risks. Like when I laid the points and took the Seahawks over Minnesota yesterday. But how was I supposed to know Matt Hasselbeck was going to get injured and screw up my pick? The point is that even though I lost, it was a solid bet. Like you, Chris.

And don't forget, they don't call me "Hammerin" Hank for nothing!

Oh yeah, one last thing. Take the Cowboys and the chalk Monday.

Sincerely,

Hank

(Not Quite) Mid-Season Review

2006-10-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

Man, what happened to this place? The writers of this blog make JD Salinger look prolific. Hoping to give the site a boost, here are some mid-season awards and predictions. This is first-draft material, so if you are expecting something funny and insightful, write it yourself.

MVP- Donovan McNabb. McNabb has the Eagles in first place and is playing the best football of his career. Currently, McNabb leads the NFL in yards passing, TDs and passer rating. Can he keep it up? I see no reason why not. The guy is also getting it done without any big name receivers. Runners Up- Peyton Manning. Ok, he's not putting up the crazy numbers he usually does- but he's still ranked number 4 in passer rating and has the Colts undefeated. Drew Brees- what's he doing here? Well the Saints have only one loss and I give most of that credit to their QB. Brees is 4th is passing yards and 7th in passer rating. He's spreading the ball around to lots of guys and keeps defenses guessing- he's also a very underrated leader. You think the Saints would be where they are if they had Aaron Brooks still at QB? Not.

Most disappointing Player of Year- This is a close vote. But I have to go with The Edge after his horrible MNF performance against Chicago. He demands the ball late in the games because he says he's such a good closer- well if he keeps closing like that then Mitch and Murray are going to fire his fucking ass cause a loser is a loser. Runner ups- Randy Moss. It almost makes me sad to see such apathy from someone so gifted. Sort of like Eddie Murphy post 1989. This guy is arguably the most talented WR of all time- and he has basically fallen off of the map. In his defense, he's got a young QB throwing to him and the guy calling plays runs a B&B. Daunte Culpepper- I almost didn't put him on the list because I never really expected much from him. But when you get benched for Joey Harrington, you have exceeded even my low expectations. Daunte- you officially suck.

Rookie of the Year- Reggie Bush. Yeah he's not gonna set a TD record this season, but he is currently ranked 4th in the league in receptions. Runners Up- Marques Colston. Another Saint. What a steal this guy was in the 7th round. Shows you why it rarely makes sense to draft a WR in the first round. Colston is ranked 13 in receiving yards and also has 4 TDs. Mark Anderson- DE, Chicago Bears. I had not really heard much about this guy until I watched him sack Leinart on Monday. The guy has 6.5 sacks and is obviously doing something right.

Best shoe across the face- No real contest here. Albert Haynesworth. Although that guy from the "U" who kicked that guy "across the ocean" at FIU has potential.

Coach of the Year
Sean Payton- It's hard to find a more worthy scab than Payton. He's got his team atop the division when most were picking them to finish last.

Predictions
AFC North
After getting off to a strong start, the Ravens have lost two in a row and, as usual, the culprit is the offense. Jamal Lewis is a shell of his former self, as is McNair. I see them collapsing. Cincinnati is also in disarray, and it's hard to figure out exactly why. Maybe the off-field stuff is finally having an impact. Look for the Ravens to fade and the Steelers and Bengals to battle it out for the division.

AFC South
Indy-- If it's the regular season, then the Colts must be undefeated. Their rush D, however, is piss-poor. Picking up McFarland will definitely help them. Should win the division easily. J-Ville- will make a push for the playoffs with their defense. But recent injury to Mike Peterson hurts them. Also need to see more from the offense. It's like a poor man's version of Martyball over there.

AFC East
This is still New England's division. I think they will improve as the season goes on and Brady gets more comfortable with his receivers. Should be a tough out come playoff time. No one else in this division is worth a comment.

AFC West
San Diego-- Marty obviously listened to the criticism out there and has loosened the reins on Rivers- who appears to be more than a mere than a "game manager." Their defense is as good as anyone's. They are a legit Super Bowl threat.

Its going to be Denver and Whale's Vagina right to the very end. I'll take San Diego- they are more balanced and Rivers is showing that he was worthy of the number three pick a few years ago. They are also lightening up LDT's load, which makes sense for them, if not for the fantasy geeks who have him on their team. Denver is playing good D, but their offense is wack and I don't trust Plummer in the post-season.

NFC North
Was Monday a harbinger of things to come for Chicago? Probably not. Grossman isn't that bad, but he's probably not as good as the first few games either. But who is going to challenge them in this division? The Vikings and Brad Johnson's 2 yard passes? Detroit finally got a win and have a very good WR in Roy Williams. He's a legit pro bowler if ya dont know. But they are still a Matt Millen pink slip away from contending. The Pack? They suck. Let's just go ahead and "crown" the Bears.

NFC South
Carolina is back from that 0-2 start and have Steve Smith to thank for that. Smith is pound for pound the toughest dude in the league. He looks like he's always pissed off. Julius Peppers is also leading the league in sacks.

The Falcons are a team I can't figure out- sometimes they look really good, then they look like crap against the Giants last week. Their run defense got abused by Tiki. Vick still can't throw, but is still the most exciting player in the league. If forced to come from behind and throw, they simply cannot do it. The Saints are in first place and are not going away. Will they win the division? Not sure, but they are not a fluke. No one has as many weapons on offense as the Saints.

NFC East
Like the NFC South, this division is very competitive, with only the Skins having no real shot. Im going with the Cowboys, but won't be surprised if Philly or NYG win it.

NFC West
The Seahawks need Alexander back- but God is apparently fucking with him by not healing his foot fast enough. St. Louis is hanging tough with Torry Holt leading the way. This guy is a future Hall of Famer. Stephen Jackson is also having a productive year, validating my high fantasy pick. If he would just stay out of night-clubs and stop beating up short-armed midgets, I think he could really have a break out season.

Week 5 - The South Rises Again

2006-10-06T13:42:00.000-04:00

A quick aside before getting to this week's picks - I've been gone the last two weeks on family business, visiting my grandfather in hospice care, then attending his funeral. Grandpa cheered for the Browns his entire life without liking them for even a day - all of them were overpaid bums who weren't worth their shit. Of course, given the Browns, he was absolutely right, but he taught me to cheer for them all the same. Thanks, Grandpa.

Back to business - some interesting developments in the NFC South since I last posted. Since most of the league, and everyone in the division by the Bucs, have played half their schedule, it's a good time to take stock of how the various ponies are performing at the track:

Derby Winners

Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson - In the two games since Smith came back, the two have combined for 350 yards receiving and two touchdowns. Expect that to continue. The reason these guys are so good for each other is that they are complementary rather than duplicate - Keyshawn is a possession receiver who is unafraid of the middle, Smith is a deep threat. Both are arguably the best at those respective roles in the league. Unless defenses want to live in the dime and slide safeties to double both of them, only the Bears and Ravens have secondaries good enough to deal with these guys on the field at the same time.

Falcons Defense - OK, so I was at least a little wrong about these guys. I'm not sold on them as a playoff defense, but they are certainly among the top 10 fantasy defenses this year. Playing against teams that they've established a good record for getting turnovers and sacks.

Also-Rans

All of the division's quarterbacks - I had to create this category just for them. In our league, here is where the starters rank amongst quarterbacks:

(10) Ron Mexico
(16) Face Birthmark
(24) Daylight Come and Nickname Sucks
(Spleen) Chris Simms.
(457) Whoever the fuck Bruce Gradkowski is.

I think Vick will drop (of course), and Delhomme will come up a bit ... but I think Brees' rating is about right. By the end of the season, the three of them will all be in the middle of the pack of fantasy QBs - good enough for each of them to start, but bad enough that any owner stuck with them should take shit for it.

Colts. The young kind, that don't choke.

Marques Colston - I love that I was right about this guy. (Can I mention again that he was a 7th round pick? From Hofstra?) I hate that I wrote about him before picking him up off waiver wires. As a result, my pet project is only on one of my three rosters. So I hope that all eight of you reading this appreciated the advice.

DeAngelo Williams - Hear me out on this one. I know he's only #38 amongst running backs right now. DeShaun Foster is #26 and is still the starter in Carolina. But we all know that Foster will get hurt eventually. And Williams has better numbers, in limited appearances, than Carnell Williams, Reuben Droughns, and Chris Brown, all of whom went in the first 30 picks of every draft. So trust me.

Out to Stud

Joe Horn - He's clearly been replaced by Colston as Brees' top option, and Devery Henderson is hot on his heels for the two spot. Joe helped win me a league championship once, but that was four years ago. Thanks for all the memories.

Deuce McAllister - His sad fantasy stats are the reason I'm low on the 3-1 Saints - not because they are low, but why they are low - he's only averaging 4.0 per carry and only one catch a game. If he were getting pushed by Reggie the Wunderkind, that would make more sense - but Bush hasn't look particularly polished as a running back, and has been more effective out of the slot than the backfield. This spells trouble for the Boy Scouts' rushing game in my eyes.

Warrick Dunn - He's only averaging 90 yards a game without a single touchdown, since rookie Jerious Norwood is getting all of the goal line carries. Plus, as the Saints showed on Monday night, you can bring the entire Atlanta offense to a hault by stuffing the box. Is he still valuable? Sure. Is this the last year that is true? Probably. I wouldn't start him against any decent run defense. But we salute him for being valuable in the past, and for being the only good human being to graduate from Tallahassee Community College and State Penitentiary.

Joey Galloway - Poor Joey. He's still valuable, but with no quarterback to throw him the ball, Gruden might as well send him to tilt windmills. Through three games, he's only averaging 56 yards a game, and has only one touchdown. Something tells me the Bruce Gradkowski era won't go much better for him.

Heading for the Glue Factory

Carnell Williams - Um...wow. 2.5 per carry. Less than 50 yards total offense per game. Wow. His stats have gotten so bad that GM sued to enjoin him from using the name 'Cadillac', claiming it was bringing their stock prices down. Worse, his stats have gotten so bad that I had to make that joke.

Actually...

The Tampa Bay Offense - Just brutal.

Oh, right - the picks:

SAINTS (-6.5) over Bucs, Saints straight up

The spread worries me, but I can't imagine the Bucs scoring. At all. If your regular starting defense is on bye this week, now would be a good time to pick up the Saints.

Browns (+8.5) over PANTHERS, Panthers straight up

As justification, the spread is too big for a scrappy team like the Browns that have a nagging habit of staying in games, then blowing it. But in reality, this one's for Grandpa.

Week 5 picks

2006-10-04T17:00:00.000-04:00

So since I finished 3-1 in my picks last week, more cheerleaders, I feel I'm serving the community of men everywhere and all five people who read this blog when I show cheerleaders.

Anyways besides Daunte Culpepper forgetting how to play the game of football last week, I predicted correctly the Titans and the Jaguars to lose and the Colts to win, shocking I know.

Tennessee vs. Indianapolis.
Wow, how many points will the colts score before they send in the second teamers, Tony Dungy doesn't like to run up the score much. Vince Young looked bad versus the cowboys last week, he;s gonna look worse versus the colts, if you have a colts QB, RB, or WR START THEM!
Colts 70 Titans 3 (I doubt Indy will score that many but they possibly could.

Jaguars vs. Jets
The Jets looked good versus Indy. I know all these sportswriters are talking about how Mangini was a fool for going for it, I liked it. It shows you got a nutsack and since they take chances I expect them to win on the road this week in a close match.
Jaguars 20 Jets 24

Miami vs. New England
How bad did Cincy look versus NE last week. Which NE team will show up the one with the slowest WR corp in the NFL or the one with the stud running game. It won't matter since Miami can't use its weapons on offense....still.. I personally blame the OC and Daunte Culpepper. It's killing me in my money league since I have both ronnie brown and Chris Chambers. Something needs to happen quickly.
Miami 7 New England 35

Those are the picks for this week.

Paul's thought of the week: Why are we talking basketball so soon.

I understand basketball season starts in a matter of weeks, but honestly WHO CARES! It's football season, if you don't think so you are delusional. It's football season until after the superbowl and then its hockey and basketball season. No one pays attention to the early games, no one rushes out to watch them. Both hockey and basketball season shouldn't start til december since they both finish up in may-june. So sportswriters of americs, shut up its football season now, not basketball.

The Case Against Joe Namath

2006-09-30T20:39:00.000-04:00

Whether it's figuring out which NFL teams are most like female chefs or what players are most like characters from "The Big Lebowski", we here at MFR are dedicated to bring our core of 8 readers the truth about professional football. It is in that spirit that I write about the Hall of Fame credentials, or lack thereof, of Joe Namath.

I come here to bury Joe Namath, not to praise him. Yeah, that's right. I am here to "Swift Boat" Joe Willie. Every baby boomer's favorite football hero, was, in fact, just an average quarterback. Certainly not a player worthy of the Hall of Fame. Chances are that if you are a football fan, you already know this. But just in case, I am here to set the record straight on Joe Willie Namath.

Joe Namath probably benefited from one game more than anyone in the history of sports. As everyone knows, Broadway Joe boldly, and correctly, "guaranteed" his Jets would beat the Colts in SuperBowl III. I am the first to admit that this took a lot of balls. (Even if Bubba Smith says the game was fixed.)

Whether he was trashed when he made the statement doesn't even matter. He said it and backed it up, so for that I give him props. But one big game, even in the Super Bowl, shouldn't give you an automatic ticket into the Hall of Fame. Otherwise, Desmond Howard, Larry Brown and Dexter Jackson would be headed for Canton.

Lost in all the hoopla of the guarantee is the rest of Namath's career. Here are the facts. Joe Namath played 13 seasons of professional football from 1965 until 1977- the first 5 were with the old AFL and the last 8 were with the NFL, after the two leagues merged in 1970. Namath played his entire career with the Jets, except for that one, final, miserable season with the Rams. The numbers, frankly, are mediocre. Namath threw 173 career TD passes, a respectable number, and over 27,000 passing yards. But he also threw 220 INTs. That's right- the man threw more picks than TDs. But, wait, there's more.

Even in his best seasons, Namath never managed to complete as much as 53% of his passes. His career completion percentage of 50.1 makes Mike Vick look like Steve Young. I know what you are saying- "But the game was different then- offenses didn't run the West Coast system- they threw down the field and valued big gains over accuracy. Plus the rules today give the offense a huge advantage."

There is some truth that pre-1980 QBs threw for lower completion percentages than we see today. Still, however, the greats of the past threw for a higher completion than Namath. Johnny Unitas' career completion rate was 54.6 percent. Unlike Namath, however, he also had 5 seasons where he completed 57 percent or more of his passes. Bart Starr's career completion rate was 57.4; Sonny Jurgenson's was 57.1. The point is that even among his contemporaries, Namath completed a low percentage of his passes.

Clearly the best AFL QB of all-time is Len Dawson, not Joe Namath. Dawson, a Hall of Famer in his own right, blows Namath away in every objective category except facial hair and attempts to seduce Suzy Kolber. Not only is his 57.1 career completion percentage much higher than Joe's, he also threw for 239 career TDs and only 189 picks. See Joe- he threw more TDs than INTs, not the other way around. His career yards per passing attempt is also better than Namath's- 7.7 to 7.4.

Another old AFL guy, John Hadl of the San Diego Chargers, puts Joe's career in even more perspective. While Hadl, isn't a Hall of Famer, and rightly so, I'd say that based on the numbers, he arguably was a better QB than Namath. Hadl played from 62 to 77, around the same time as Namath. Like Namath, Hadl has a low all-time completion percentage of 50.4 percent and threw a lot of picks- 268. But his 248 career TDs are better than Namath's and he also threw for more yards. Yet, somehow, the Hall of Fame voters continue to deny Hadl membership.

My point is that Joe Namath, while a decent QB, should not be in the Hall of Fame. His all-time passer rating of 65.5 is the second worst out of currentHall of Famers--the worst is George Blanda at 60.6--another charity case put in cause he was like 80 when made a Field Goal. Steve Young, to put these numbers in some context, has the highest career passer rating at 96.8.

So why is this guy in the Hall of Fame? Well, in addition to the guarantee, I believe its based on the romanticism the baby boomer generation has for this guy. Ever hear Costas talk about Mickey Mantle? Its kind of like listening to John Karr talk about Jon Benet. Joe Willie is given the same reverence by those from that generation as Mantle, even though he doesn't deserve it-- at least if the criteria is on-the-field production.

To the narcissistic baby boomers who voted him in, Joe Willie represents all that was good about that era and electing him to the Hall of Fame validates their existence. Namath personified changing times- he had long hair, liked to get laid and was generally viewed as a "rebel" in a game filled with straight edged coaches and players. In a way, he made the game safe for hipsters and cool kids everywhere to watch. Which is great. But the Hall of Fame? No way.

GOT THE ASS’ AFC WEST TEAMS AS STUPID WILLIAMSBURG HIPSTERS

2006-09-28T15:53:00.000-04:00

It was a slow news week in the AFC West, what with three of the four teams on a bye. But that still didn’t stop me from turning this is late… again. So for you six people who are going to read this, I’ll give this piece a reason to be late. See, this is:

GOT THE ASS’ AFC WEST TEAMS AS STUPID WILLIAMSBURG HIPSTERS

For those who don’t know (luckily for you), Willismsburg is a part of Brooklyn where the masses of New York newbies come to be “hip” and “all dat” with their small-town escapin’ ass. It used to be, like all pre-hipster domains, a place where artists found cheap, industrial lofts where they could create art. This is a place where you could wear Dickies and John Deere clothing without being ironic—you just didn’t want to get scalded by the 1200-degree burning oven for your glass-blown housewares. Then, one by one, following their Ben Smith shoes, smelling cheap rent for the picking, they ventured from all over to find the best in ironic t-shirts and Bolivian marching powder. There’s a reason why the only way to get there from Manhattan is the L train, people. I’m not saying that all hipsters are bad—I used to be a half-hipster, half-human myself, kinda like Blade, minus the vampires. But the city of New York… nay, the WORLD, would be better off if they didn’t exist. Except hipster girls. They’re hawt.

Anyway, I thought that with all the rage (six months ago) of people comparing X to pop culture icons, I thought I’d do my little twist. And why compare this particular group? Because I hate all parties involved—even…

THE OAKLAND RAIDERS.
I loved you once. Your bad-assed attitude and disregard for rules. That’s why you moved to Oakland, isn’t it? To get away from that hell-hole town (L.A.) and live a life of freedom in a black hole of nothingness. But since you’ve been back, you’ve been nothing but bad news. Sure, there’s been some good times—that time in 2002 when you almost made me happy, but then that asshole ex of yours beat me up. It’s been all downhill from there. You can’t get along with anyone, I can’t take you anywhere without being made fun of—usually to my face. Luckily, you’re oblivious to everything and can’t hear a word they say. YOU ARE: THE WILLIAMSBURG QUEEN OF THE HARPIES

THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Hey man, chill out? Chill out? All you do is chill out. No highs, no lows, you just are. Why? Because you’re strung out. I come over to buy a little weed off of you, and you tell me tales that are just boring about back in the days when you used to wear a blazer every “game day” and the time you thought a guy named Elvis was going to take you to Graceland. But it’s always been a dream. Worst of all? For the past four years, every time I went over, I had to hear that damn emo in the background. Crying and shit, while you just languish in that shithole you call a home. YOU ARE: THE AGING HIPSTER WHO MOVED TO WB BECAUSE HE FIGURED HIS APPEARANCE WOULD BE TOO GHASTLY FOR THE LES

THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Ah, Ms. Pretty Body. The Belle of the Ball with her stylish clothes and subtle smile. Even though you’re just as old as all the other girls in BillyBurg, your youthful parts make you seem hotter then the rest. Most people think you’re going all the way now, but you tell them to wait. You’ll get there. Your sunny disposition comes from your roots, where you’re from, but don’t let them try to walk all over you. You’ll fucking shank them (especially if it’s against the Queen of the Harpies—you hate her). You’ll go fucking wild, drinking your Lean and driving your car, getting shot by the cops and livin’. Sure, you’ve been shunned before by the pretty boys, but you think you’ve got the right guy now. You’re poised to go to the top, and you’ll step on each of their heads getting there, YOU ARE: THE SMART ONE WHO JUST LIKES TO LIVE LIFE—AND A LITTLE COKE

THE DENVER BRONCOS
Look at you—a Likin’ Park Tee? Come on, dude, you’ve gotta live life a little harder than that. You’re in Williamsburg, not a skate park in St. Paul. Where’s your Clap Your Hands T Shirt? A smile? You don’t smile in the ‘Burgh, son! You frown because you’re an… artist? Actually, no, you’re an investment banker who bought property in the WB and is charging people an arm and a leg to live there. The only thing mile high about you is the exorbitant rent you charge. Yeah, you’ve got it all—a couple of masters, that chick licking your shoulder—but what you don’t have is cred, man. Your masters-that hose faced guy wrote all your papers, but your racist ass didn’t give props to the black guy who did all the research. That girl licking your shoulder—it used to be a man, man. YOU ARE: THAT ASSHOLE WHO USED TO LIVE ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE, BUT THEN REALIZED THAT YOU CAN GET SLEEZY WOMEN TO SLEEP WITH YOU FOR A LOT LESS IN WB

Oh yeah, and last week, Plummer got his groove back, Javon Walker is happy, Tatumn Bell is now officially the man for Shanahan and the Denver D is fo’ reals.

I am the greatest agent ever!

2006-09-27T17:15:00.000-04:00

Do you know who I am? You should know who I am, since I have perpatrated probably the greatest coup ever in sports with possibly one exception except back in Michael Jordan's day, they didn't have agents like me.

My name is Ben Dogra of SFX Sports Group out of St. Louis, MO, and I convinced the Houston Texans to sign Mario Williams and take him with the first overall draft pick. I know that Mario has no sacks currently, but he might get a couple before the year is over. So what if Reggie Bush is going to probably have 1500 multi-purpose yards at the end of the day. The houston texans have dominick davis who will be a star this year, oh wait I meant next year since he's out for the year this year. Reggie Bush won't have a good career overall, and Mario Williams will eventually become Lawrence Taylor. You will all see that my fee wasn't based on pulling the wool over all the Houston Texans' front offices eyes.

The AFC South, or the conference that can't make up his mind.

2006-09-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

I do appologize for not doing the AFC South post last week but between grad school, interviewing, and my fiancee it wasn't going to happen. I was five for five in week 2 doing both AFC south and north. So this week I will look at the AFC South and predict which teams will pull a TO and try and kill themselves.

Dallas versus Tennessee: Dallas is a bad team fortunate for them Tennessee is worse. Kerry Collins is old enough to be Vince Young's dad and they still won't admit their season is done. Tennessee will once again lose even though dallas looks equally as bad especially with the whole TO mess currently going on: Dallas 24 Titans 10.

Jacksonville versus Washington: Jacksonville looked not so hot versus the Colts last week, however washington is a team of mystery. Will a good team show up or a bad one? hmm. Redskins 17 Jaguars 14.

Miami versus Houston: Houston, still crappy...just to remind you. Miami 35 Texans 24

Indianapolis versus NY Jets: Can the jets actually be a real life team? Can the colts be defeated? Yes the colts can be defeated but not by the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!. Colts 41 Jets 35. A real shootout I think we are due for.

On a side note, being a big chicago bears fans...please for the love of god....STOP TALKING ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL!!! We have only won three games, its not even october..stop talking about it. Until we have a pass defense (steve smith) please stop mentioning it. It will just hurt more when we lose then. May the cheerleader pictures help...they help me get through my day.

The AFC West... well, it sucks.

2006-09-22T12:07:00.000-04:00

Staring at Lindsay Lohan’s vagina has made me realize that we are all not long for this world. In the same vain, I don’t think anyone from the AFC West is not long for the playoffs—yes, not even the Chargers. The other day on ESPN, some numbnut was going over their top five teams in the AFC, and not one was an AFCW team. Then they added the Chargers as an afterthought. I’m not one who rubber stamps things that those guys say, but I will agree. For those who disagree, let’s see the Bolts play two teams who don’t automatically crap the bed before they hit the field (Oakland and Tennessee).

Staring at Lindsay Lohan’s vagina has made me realize that we are all not long for this world. In the same vain, I don’t think anyone from the AFC West is not long for the playoffs—yes, not even the Chargers. The other day on ESPN, some numbnut was going over their top five teams in the AFC, and not one was an AFCW team. Then they added the Chargers as an afterthought. I’m not one who rubber stamps things that those guys say, but I will agree. For those who disagree, let’s see the Bolts play two teams who don’t automatically crap the bed before they hit the field (Oakland and Tennessee).

Quarterbacks:
The Raiders quarterbacks combined to throw… one hit. One damn hit, that’s all we got? (You can’t say damn on the radio) Doesn’t matter. No one’s listening anyway. That sort of sums up the Raiders season so far. Oh yeah, and Aaron Brooks got knocked out of the game. Hooray Bear.

Jake Plummer continued his slow descent into football obscurity by throwing for 173 yards and an interception (that’s seven in his last three games). Shanahan has given him a vote of confidence, but one more game like this and Cutler will be the number one pick up on the waiver wire hotlist. As his owner drowning mice said, “You see Plummer's projected 13 points? That's for the season.”

Philip Rivers actually threw the ball more than 11 times last week, throwing for 235 yards and a score. Billy Volek was traded to the Bolts/Dolts this week, officially screwing me because I picked him up as my 2nd QB. Jerk.

Damon Huard continued following Jake Plummer (see above) by throwing for an amazing 133 yards in the KC-Denver 9-6 shootout. Unfortunately for KC fans, Trent Green’s return date has been mentioned as a month to indefinite. Man, Herm doesn’t have any luck with his QBs, does he?

Running Backs:
I like it when someone say they’re gonna do something, they do it. Not like people who propose articles from people to run on Tuesday, only to turn it in on Friday. You know, like me. The former props go to LDT, who continues to warrant his Top-3 pick status by kicking foes to the curb (but if I’m going to criticize the SD team as a whole for playing cupcakes, then I should for him… though he’s been doing the same thing his whole career). He ran for two more scores and a combined 123 yards. And that’s playing only 3 quarters. His fill-in Michael Turner had even more yards (145), which is amazing.

Larry Johnson also had a ton of yards (167), but he couldn’t hit paydirt in that 9-6 KC loss to Denver. It seems like missing Trent Green and his O-Line is going to be rough for him in the next month or so. Having Herm doesn’t help him either, considering his play calling is more conservative than a Karl Rove dinner party. On the other side of the ball, DENVER RB had a combined 122 yards (56 for Mike, 66 for Tatumn), but again had no TDs. And Mike Bell got hurt earlier in the week, which doesn’t help, more so than Plummer stinking up the joint.

LaMont Jordan does not suck. The Raiders do. Let’s hope his next three (v. Cleveland, Arizona and San Fran) yields better numbers for him than last week (35 yards).

WRs and TEs:
With QBs falling (both physically and mentally) left and right in the AFCW, there’s no real offense happening in the division. Not even the running backs are getting any love (on an ESPN chat, someone asked if it was okay to trade LaMont for Drew Bennett-and the answer was yes). So that means that anyone whose job is actually catching the ball has been a fantasy bust so far. Javon Walker by far had the best day, catching 79 yards for the Broncos, followed by Keenan McCardell’s 58 yards for the Chargers. SD’s Vincent Jackson was the only person to catch a touchdown pass, an 8 yard job against the Titans.

FORECAST:
Luckily for Oakland, a bye week awaits them, and they have two weeks to prepare the team for the Browns. God, if they don’t score more than 10 points, let the official 0-16 talk begin. As well as my burning of anything with Raider Jack on it. San Diego and KC also have byes.

That leaves Denver vs. New England in the Sunday night game. I’m actually thinking Plummer has a good game here because I’m thinking the Broncos will have to throw most of the game, down by at least 10 though out most of it. Plummer throws for 225 and a TD (most likely to Walker), while DENVER RB has a combined 150 yards and another score.

The Raiders quarterbacks combined to throw… one hit. One damn hit, that’s all we got? (You can’t say damn on the radio) Doesn’t matter. No one’s listening anyway. That sort of sums up the Raiders season so far. Oh yeah, and Aaron Brooks got knocked out of the game. Hooray Bear.

Jake Plummer continued his slow descent into football obscurity by throwing for 173 yards and an interception (that’s seven in his last three games). Shanahan has given him a vote of confidence, but one more game like this and Cutler will be the number one pick up on the waiver wire hotlist. As his owner drowning mice said, “You see Plummer's projected 13 points? That's for the season.”

Philip Rivers actually threw the ball more than 11 times last week, throwing for 235 yards and a score. Billy Volek was traded to the Bolts/Dolts this week, officially screwing me because I picked him up as my 2nd QB. Jerk.

Damon Huard continued following Jake Plummer (see above) by throwing for an amazing 133 yards in the KC-Denver 9-6 shootout. Unfortunately for KC fans, Trent Green’s return date has been mentioned as a month to indefinite. Man, Herm doesn’t have any luck with his QBs, does he?

Running Backs:
I like it when someone say they’re gonna do something, they do it. Not like people who propose articles from people to run on Tuesday, only to turn it in on Friday. You know, like me. The former props go to LDT, who continues to warrant his Top-3 pick status by kicking foes to the curb (but if I’m going to criticize the SD team as a whole for playing cupcakes, then I should for him… though he’s been doing the same thing his whole career). He ran for two more scores and a combined 123 yards. And that’s playing only 3 quarters. His fill-in Michael Turner had even more yards (145), which is amazing.

Larry Johnson also had a ton of yards (167), but he couldn’t hit paydirt in that 9-6 KC loss to Denver. It seems like missing Trent Green and his O-Line is going to be rough for him in the next month or so. Having Herm doesn’t help him either, considering his play calling is more conservative than a Karl Rove dinner party. On the other side of the ball, DENVER RB had a combined 122 yards (56 for Mike, 66 for Tatumn), but again had no TDs. And Mike Bell got hurt earlier in the week, which doesn’t help, more so than Plummer stinking up the joint.

LaMont Jordan does not suck. The Raiders do. Let’s hope his next three (v. Cleveland, Arizona and San Fran) yields better numbers for him than last week (35 yards).

WRs and TEs:
With QBs falling (both physically and mentally) left and right in the AFCW, there’s no real offense happening in the division. Not even the running backs are getting any love (on an ESPN chat, someone asked if it was okay to trade LaMont for Drew Bennett-and the answer was yes). So that means that anyone whose job is actually catching the ball has been a fantasy bust so far. Javon Walker by far had the best day, catching 79 yards for the Broncos, followed by Keenan McCardell’s 58 yards for the Chargers. SD’s Vincent Jackson was the only person to catch a touchdown pass, an 8 yard job against the Titans.

FORECAST:
Luckily for Oakland, a bye week awaits them, and they have two weeks to prepare the team for the Browns. God, if they don’t score more than 10 points, let the official 0-16 talk begin. As well as my burning of anything with Raider Jack on it. San Diego and KC also have byes.

That leaves Denver vs. New England in the Sunday night game. I’m actually thinking Plummer has a good game here because I’m thinking the Broncos will have to throw most of the game, down by at least 10 though out most of it. Plummer throws for 225 and a TD (most likely to Walker), while DENVER RB has a combined 150 yards and another score.

An Unlikely Combination

2006-09-20T22:30:00.000-04:00

I hate it when people make lists comparing sports teams or athletes to other entities in entertainment (movie character, singers, etc.). But I'm about to do it. I'll flagellate myself later.

Your AFC North Preview for Week 3
The teams of the AFC North as Female Food Network Celebrity Chefs

The Cincinnati Bengals

At times, people have written you off as nothing more than novelty. You inherited a legacy which you haven't yet been able to duplicate.

And yet, there's a certain attractiveness about you. Even though your hair accentuates your large forehead, you've got a lot of fans who like you because you're flashy (and possibly a tad superficial). But you're clearly talented, and dedicated.

You have a bad habit of overlooking the less savory elements of your lineups, which includes cooking with too many unhealthy ingredients, not to mention the fact that sometimes, your recipes look good on paper, but are more life-threatening than not in execution.

Still, you try hard, and you've got quite the following. You've made a name for yourself, although you still like talk funny in order to remind people of your legacy, just to solidify your fanbase. There are a lot of people still jumping on your bandwagon, even now.

Who are you? You're Giada De Laurentiis.

The Baltimore Ravens

Your recipe for success is simple. Hit them hard, hit them fast, and before they know what has hit them, it's all over.

It's so successful, in fact, that it has become a little boring to some. In fact, your insistence on a particular style might be holding you back.

Nevertheless, people are excited about your success, especially of late. You're about to really take off, and even though your appearance has been a bit inconsistent, you're ready to make people notice you.

Still, people aren't entirely sure what to make of your loud and spastic nature.

You're a bit of a crazy one. You might provide a path to victory, or you might turn around and stab someone.

Who are you? You're Rachel Ray

The Pittsburgh Steelers

You have a long history of success. So much that you barely have to do anything these days to be hyped up.

You've got experience, and you pride yourself on doing things the right way, no nonsense. Yet, you're not afraid to let your hair down and deep fry a candy bar or eight.

And because of this, because you established yourself as a bit of a maverick, you're always something to be reckoned with.

Finally, you have a following that literally idolizes you, to the extent that it has become slightly disturbing. It also doesn't hurt that you have huge tracts of land.

Who are you?

You're Nigella Lawson

The Cleveland Browns

You're fat. Your followers eat a lot of cake and twinkies, and are likely as fat as you are, if not more so. In fact, the very thought of your cooking, which always includes inordinate amounts of lard, instills diarrhetic sentiments.

How are we ever going to clean up after you?

You've never met a recipe you couldn't add more butter to, and you've never met a salad in your life. You're also the only truly unattractive one in the bunch.

In summary, you're a threat to humanity.

Who are you? You're Paula Deen. Fatty.

Oh yeah. Picks for this week (home teams in caps).

Pittsburgh (-1.5) over Cincinnati - They got shut out last week, but it can't possibly happen again, can it? Can it?

I would like Cincy more had they not been so bloodied in Week 2.

Baltimore (-7) over Cleveland - As much prior history says that Baltimore struggles to score, their offense has at least put bread on the table, and they've been abusing young quaterbacks in the first couple of weeks. I can't see how Charlie Frye is going to buck the trend.

NFC North Week 2 Review- Guaranteed Not To Suck

2006-09-19T09:50:00.000-04:00

The Direct TV NFL Sunday Ticket, not withstanding those lame commercials with that fat old man, kicks ass. Most of my Sundays are spent with my remote in one hand and my dick in the other, which remains perpetually hard at the thought of all the NFL action at my disposal.

This week, however, I was at the mercy of the networks and what they wanted to show in my area since I was spending the night at my mother's house for some family bullshit which could not be avoided no matter how hard I tried. For some reason, my mom continues to ignore my advice and has steadfastly refused to get NFL Ticket. Oh well, it's her loss.

Forced to choose between the Bills v. Dolphins or Saints v. Packers, I decided to watch the Packer game in order to better fulfill my duties as official NFC North scribe for MFR. The Pack got off to a quick start at home, recovering two early fumbles which prompted them to a 13-0 lead. The crowd was into it and it looked like they would get their first win. By halftime, however, the Saints were up 14-13 and would ultimately prevail 34-27.

Brett Favre actually looked solid in this game, throwing for 340 yards, 3TDs and only 1 INT. Admittedly, his one pick was one of those "up for grabs" specials that has become his trademark.

His main target, Donald Driver, continues to impress, catching 8 passes for 153 yards. Unfortunately for Green Bay, Ahman Green never got on track, running for 42 yards on 16 carries. More damaging for Ahman and the Pack was his fumble late in the game- an occurrence that cannot be a surprise to Packer fans at this point. Although the Packers run defense held Deuce and Bush in check, Brees still threw for 353 yards on them.

This game merely confirmed that the Packers are an awful team--certainly one of the 5 worst in the league. Unless they play the Texans and Raiders every other week, things are going to end badly this season for Green Bay.

The Minnesota Vikings have to be considered the surprise of the division, at least through the first two games. On Sunday the Vikings beat the Panthers 16-13 in OT to remain tied with the Bears for first place in the division. Unlike the recent past where the Vikings would beat you with deep bombs from Culpepper to Moss, the Vikings are now doing it with defense and a commitment to running the ball. Chester Taylor had 24 carries for 113 yards while Brad Johnson was a pedestrian, but competent, 19 of 31 for 243 yards passing and one INT. Troy Williamson continues to be his main target, catching 6 balls for 102 yards.

The two biggest plays in this game were on special teams and both involved trick plays. (And although this game involved the Vikings, the only "tricks" were on the field.) Down 13 to 6 in the 4th, the Vikings lined up for a short FG. Kicker Ryan Longwell ended up throwing the ball to some dude I've never heard of for a 16 yard TD. Did you have Longwell on your fantasy team? If so, I hope that TD pass counted on your final stat sheet.

The other trick play came moments earlier on a punt return which was as unnecessary as it was stupid. Leading 13-6 with 10 minutes left, John Fox inexplicably called for one of those "guy who catches the punt heave it across the field to another guy plays." (We used to run that play in my neighborhood backyard games with much better results.) That play was very uncharateristic of Fox, and looked like something Steve Spurrier might run of he were leading Vandy by 40. The Vikings recovered the fumble and then Childress, as if to show Fox how to properly run a trick play, ran the fake FG for 6. Are the Vikes for real? We will see this week against Chicago.

In a division matchup, the Bears hosted Roy Williams and the Detroit Lions. This game was notable mostly for Williams' absurd pre-game guarantee and other moronic comments. After the Lions narrowly lost to the Seahawks last week, Williams said that his team should have scored 45 points, and then guaranteed victory this week against the Bears. The Bears won, of course, 34-7, but that still didn't stop Williams- 6 catches 71 yards- from acting like a jackass.

Down 10-0 early to Chicago, Williams caught a pass for a first down and did one of those lame first down poses. Who invented this tired move? Chris Carter? Michael Irvin? (You can bet that Raymond Berry never did that. If he had, Johnny Unitas would have thrown the ball at his nuts, like Burt Reynolds did in "The Longest Yard." Just look at him in that picture. Even though they had helmets at this stage in his career, Berry didn't wear one, stating that helmets were for "pussies and faggots." Ahh, the old days.)

When asked later if it was cool to celebrate a measly first down trailing 10-0, R. Williams replied "What does that mean? ... That means nothing to me. The score means nothing." Seriously. He said that. And this is coming from the one wide receiver who has allegedly panned out? (Mike Williams, inactive again, was rumored to be at a Shoney's Big Boy during the game.)

Lions QB Jon Kitna was a Kitna-esque 23 for 30 for 230 yds and 1TD (rushing). Kevin Jones and the rest of the Lions offense continues to be MIA.

The same thing cannot be said of the Bears offense. I was firmly convinced that Grossman would be benched by the 3rd or 4th week game- but the guy has started the season hotter than a Mike Vick flare-up. Against the Lions, Rex threw for nearly 300 yards and 4TDs.

But, as Mr. Wolf might say, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet Bears' fans." The running game didn't provide much, as Thomas Jones managed only 64 yards on 21 carries, and the two victories have come against Green Bay and Detroit. Until next time;
OUT.

The week that was in the AFC West… and what will be! (Week 2)

2006-09-16T01:19:00.000-04:00

The teams in the AFC West have a long, illustrious history in the NFL, one that predates the league itself. Week one may have done more damage for that image than all of Al Davis’ lawsuits.

(BTW, sorry this is so late, but work was killer this week...)

QUARTERBACKS: It was a particularly dismal week for the QBs for the league. Jake Plummer seems to be regressing to again, throwing three picks (and fumbling twice!) for an amazing 138 yards. Needless to say, he didn’t throw any touchdowns, and ended up with -6 points in our league. This was against a rather patched up St. Louis team, which doesn’t bode well for him with Cutler in the rear view. Not that Shanahan would sub the rookie in. I think he'd rather insert 3 RBs in the backfield, just to screw everyone up even more.

Aaron Brooks didn’t fare much better, though he ended up with a positive point total, albeit 2 points. I guess the Raiders didn’t get the memo about shining on Monday night, as the offensive line was downright offensive (bet you never heard that one before). He had no time to throw, and the SD D (at least the front 7) looked beastly.

Trent Green left the field with a concussion that we’ve all heard about. Those aren’t fun, folks. I’ve had one, and 11 years out of high school, I think I still haven’t fully recovered.

Philip Rivers threw 11 times, really 11 more times than he had to given LDT’s dominance. Given Martyball is will be the key this season, I don’t think Rivers will have to air it out too much this year, and his first game is a testament to what we will expect him to do, especially with tougher defenses than the Raiders, which is to say every other defense he’ll face this year (except for later in the season when he plays the Raiders again).

RUNNING BACKS: LDT was the key here, and honestly, everyone saw it coming with his history of running the ball down the Raiders throats. He has 101 yards in the first quarter! He ended up with 138 yards on the ground, but only because Schottenheimer decided to keep on running it with LDT’s backup, Michael Turner, in the second half to the tune of 70 yards and a touchdown. His opposite for the day, LaMont Jordan, was limited to a measly 20 yards as the Chargers completely shut down any semblance of offense on the Silver and Black’s side.

Larry Johnson, he of the number one pick, didn’t fare that much better. Sure he had 144 combined yards, but losing your QB and realizing your offensive line might get you killed this year (Willie Roaf? Herm’s on line one for ya) probably made LJ lose more than his fair share of hair on Sunday.

DENVER RB has a prosperous day, even if TBell lost a fumble and MBell almost lost a finger (his index finger’s bone is rubbing up against his fingernail—ouch!). They had a combined 161 yards rushing (T:103/M:58) and MBell scored the touchdown. With MBell’s injury, Cedric Cobbs might be into the mix this upcoming weekend, so set your lineups accordingly.

WRs/TEs: It was an awful couple of days for receivers in the AFC West. With Quarterbacks being either incompetent (Brooks, Plummer), insulated (Rivers) or immobile (Green), the receivers didn’t get much play this week. Actually it was a couple of tight ends who caught the AFC West’s only receiving touchdowns of the week, Antonio Gates and Tony Gonzalez.

FOR THE UPCOMING WEEK

Denver (@ KC): Denver travels to rib-land, Kansas City, Missouri, which shouldn’t be confused with Kansas City, Kansas, which isn’t that far away. You know, you’ve got to tell Jake Plummer these kind of things because he’s not that bright, although he is smart enough to figure out KC’s bad bad D (especially the Run D, so put your DENVER RB in if you can) and hold on to his job for at least another week. 2 TDs/250 is what I’ll prognosticate, with Rod Smith (who has a penchant for scoring on the Chiefs) and one of the DENVER RB (who’ll have 200 yards, combined… three ways this time) catching it in the end zone. Denver’s D is a so-so play this weekend with LJ coming to town, but we’ll see if Huard can keep them honest enough so they don’t stack 8 in the box against Donald Faison lookalike LJ.

Kansas City (v. Denver): KC comes into their home opener limping something awful. They’ve lost their QB, their O-Line is in shambles and the D Line resembles those cartoons when a guy plugs his finger into a leaky damn wall, only to have another hole open up somewhere else. But they do have LJ, who is obviously not going to rush for 2000 yards this season, as some were imagining. But he will get his, to the tune of 2 TDs/150 combined yards. Those Denver CBs are fierce, and they allowed Marc Bulger shit last week, letting him down the field, but completely shutting him down in the red zone. Expect a lot of dumping off to either him on TG (100+ yard day), that is unless Huard’s on his back most of the day, which he should not. Herm starts to feel a lot of heat early in the season, which sucks cause he’s a nice guy (I interviewed him once… no lie!)

Oakland (@Bal). Heh. I always thought the Football Gods had a love/hate relationship with the Raiders, and I now think the franchise left the toilet seat up or made fun of one of the Football Gods’ eating habits because it’s pissed off city. Last week, the Silver and Black were handed its lunch (or late snack, as it was pretty late here on the east coast) by a souped up Charger front seven. This week it’s the Ravens’ turn to light up Aaron Brooks (115 yards/0 TDs) and hold LaMont (50 yards) and Randy (75 yards) to nothing. The reason I’m giving them so much credit is because I hold a slim belief that Art and the Gang will be able to game plan a bit better this weekend. It still won’t stop the Ravens from winning the game by 2 TDs (minimum—play the money line fo sho!).

SD (@TN) SD is lulled into thinking it’s a Super Bowl contender by beating up on this patsy Titan team that allowed half-an-arm Pennington to be considered “back” (wait till the Pats eat you up this weekend). LDT should run off two TDs and might break 200 combined yards on a team with a worse D than the Raiders (yeah, you heard me right). Rivers will be too restrained by Martyball to do anything other than what he did Monday night, 125 yards and maybe a dumpoff TD to Gates, who should account for a lot of those 125.

NFC North Week 2: Electric Boogaloo

2006-09-14T22:57:00.000-04:00

Welcome to this week's NFC North preview. Lots of intrigue this week-Can Brett Favre lead the team in both interceptions and tackles against the Saints? Will Mike Williams sport a cool brim watching the Lions play the Bears? Are there any places a Viking player won't fuck in? Let's get to the ugliness.

Fresh off their imaginary 45 point performance against Seattle, the Lions go on the road this week to take on the Chicago Bears. In an interesting sidenote to this game, Roy Williams has guaranteed a Lions victory. No word yet on if Williams has attempted to kiss the nearest sideline reporter. Vegas, however, isn't putting much stock in Roy's words and has them at 8.5 point dogs. In all fairness, the Lions gave the Seahawks a lot more than anyone expected and their rookie LB Ernie Sims could be a break out player if his egg shell skull doesn't break first.

The Bears, against Green Bay last week, looked solid on both sides of the ball. If Grossman can just be an average QB, then the Bears defense should get them the victory. Final score- Bears 20 Lions 10. Alternative Reality Score- Lions 55 Bears 3.

The most talented Packer team ever looks to get their first win against the New Orleans Saints this week in Lambeau. Brett Favre has reportedly asked new Comish Goddell for a "do over" with respect to last week's game against the Bears.

As of today, the Saints are two point favorites against the Pack. This game is an absolulte must-win for the Packers if they want to cling to the illusion that they can somehow manage a respectable season. Ahman Green provided a glimpse of hope last week for Packers fans, gaining over 100 yards on the ground. Forced to pick a winner here, I'd probably take the Packers. Something just doesn't feel right about them getting points at home against the Saints.

The Vikings got a surprise win on the road against the Skins and now play the Carolina Panthers in their home opener. The Metrodome is a tough place to play and I think Carolina will have their hands full. That thud you heard was the entire world jumping off the Panthers suddenly empty bandwagon.

Apparently, the Panthers' offensive game plan of "throw it to Steve Smith and watch him run for a TD" doesn't work well if Steve Smith isn't actually in the game. Still, the public likes Carolina as they are one point favorites. Fred Smoot, following D'Angelo Hall's lead, said that Smith was a "god damn fucking baby ass faggot punk-bitch who doesn't have the balls to take me on." Smith, however, has made it clear that pride and public humiliation are not what motivates him.

The Vikings are balanced, if not exactly explosive, on offense with Brad Johnson at the helm. Mike Vick, however, he ain't and the Panters vaunted front four should give him problems. The Vikings defense gets a boost this week when stairwell-fucker Dwight Smith returns to the lineup. I like the Vikings to win this game in a mild upset.

Peace.

AFC East Week 2 Preview

2006-09-14T21:52:00.000-04:00

This weekend was not supposed to involve much football. I spend roughly 90 percent of my time thinking about baseball, so I figured I’d spend 90 percent of my time on baseball, since it’s Red Sox weekend and all. But the Red Sox turned into a bunch of lepers, and I’m faced with the first Yanks-Red Sox series this decade that I don’t care about. Like so many of my friends, I’ll forget baseball exists on Sunday (and Saturday for that matter) and enjoy me some Week Two.

Buffalo (+6.5) over MIAMI

It’s not so much that Miami sucks, it’s just that many people think they’re better than they are. Or at least that’s the way it was heading into Week One. Hopefully people have learned quickly, and we can all agree that they’ll finish 7-9 or 8-8.

One of these eight wins should be against the Buffalo Bills; I just don’t think it’ll be by a touchdown. Follow me if you will: If last week is an accurate indicator, Miami at full strength is about as good as the Patriots were last week. Ergo, they should be able to produce a similar result, beating Buffalo by less than a TD or losing. Either way, taking Buffalo and their 6.5 points makes sense.

QB
Culpepper: Do you have him on your team? Do you have another quarterback not named “Brooks,” “Losman,” “Favre,” or “Plummer?” Well, then, you might want to consider starting him.

Losman: I think I pretty much covered him. Right?

RB
Brown: Hard to imagine he’ll score two TDs on the Bills defense. Maybe one, probably none, though he should improve on his meager 30 yards from last week. You were probably better off taking the top QB on the board if you took Brown in the Top 5.

MacGahee: As I surely mentioned last week, I’m a MacGahee burn victim from 2005. I hate him, and he stinks. I won’t wish injury upon him, but I will put a hex on him. And his children. And his children’s children.

WR
Chambers: Many thought Culpepper would complement him well. Instead, he’s turning him into the next Nate Burleson. Being outscored by Marty Booker does not bode well. He could just as easily do it again this week.

Evans: Suffered from the same affliction as Chambers; shitty QB, outscored by second receiver. Let’s see if we can find a trend this year in shitty quarterbacks hitting their No. 2 option more frequently than No. 1.

TE
Randy McMichael: I had high hopes for McMichael this season, but much like Chambers, he’s been derailed by Culpepper. I’m not saying don’t start him; I’m just saying be prepared to play Find the Tight End on the waiver wire every Monday morning.

Robert Royal: The Bills have a Tight End? Where was I when that happened?

New England (-6) over NEW YORK
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to bet on it

It pains me in every possible way, especially considering the tampering charges filed by the Patriots this week, to pick the Patriots here. I want to believe that the Jets have a decent team, but last week reeks of aberration. Gun to my head, forced to make a bet on this game, I would have no problem taking the Jets. However, wanting to retain some degree of objectivity, I can’t reasonably pick them.

Honestly, do you believe that the Patriots played to their fullest capability last week? I’m not even delving into potential here; I’m talking full up, present capability. There’s no way they’ll lay a second consecutive stinker for division opponents. Their defense is much more capable than the Titans, as is their offense. And, if that’s not enough, Bill Belichick is probably working overtime on his gameplan. Think about how much work you could get done if you perpetually slurped coffee and didn’t require sleep. That’s how prepared Belichick is for this game.

QB
Pennington: You have to be impressed with his Week 1 performance. And by “impressed,” I mean “probably should have picked him instead of Brian Griese in the draft.” I fully blame that pick on the marijuana. All the other picks were mine.

Brady: You think he’s going to toss a pair of pick this week? He’s no Kerry Collins, folks. Even without Branch, he should find plenty of holes in the Jets secondary. You have to wonder how pissed Brady is, though, that they let Deion Branch go. It’s not just that they let him go, but it’s that they refused to pay him when Brady took less money so that the Patriots could afford him a supporting cast. Never trust a Kraft.

RB
Barlow?: You have to figure he’s the starter, because, as I’ve stated at least once a day this week, Derrick Blaylock is completely worthless. Why the Jets signed a Chiefs running back castoff is beyond me. It’s like signing a pitcher let go by the Braves. Just ask the Diamondbacks, who are paying Russ Ortiz to sit on his couch and masturbate. Anyway, I’ve got Barlow, and I’m not starting him, if that’s any indication.

Dillon: I don’t know why I’m listing him, since the Pats have Laurence Maroney, a sexy fantasy pick, and Kevin Faulk, who led the Pats running backs in points last week. It’s just that…fuck it, I’ve got nothing. I hope you don’t have a Patriots running back in your starting lineup unless you’re playing me.

WR
Coles: You know all that kissy kissy hubbub about Lav Coles being Pennington’s favorite target? Well, turns out it’s true. Obvious homosexuals whose performances dropped off significantly when separated, Pennington and Coles are back together, pitching and catching with the flow only lovers can exhibit. Though, Pennington may be gunning for the elusive three-way with Jerricho Cotchery. I wonder if Coles is into that kinda thing.

Not Deion Branch: Okay, so it’s Reche Caldwell, and I liked him between his injuries in San Diego. He was never real good in Madden, though, which irked me to no end. He’s not a No. 1 receiver by any means, but Tom Brady has done quite well in the past with a group of receivers absent a No. 1.

TE
Baker: Early in camp, they said Jolley would start, but they traded him to Tampa Bay. After Mike Nugent showed that he’s not quite worthy of a second round pick, Jets fans are giving a posthumous boo to the team for a trading flub that netted them Nuge and Jolly when they could have just drafted Heath Miller. Anyway, I picked up Baker on the waiver wire because he’s decent in the red zone. That, of course, is contingent on Pennington being as good as he displayed last week. Too many ifs to start him.

Watson: Dude’s good, and the Jets don’t exactly have a linebacker matched up well enough to cover him. As a betting man, I’d put decent money on Watson scoring a TD this week.

NFC South - Picked Off First But Back For More

2006-09-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

So Week 1 didn't go so well for me - 1-3 against the spread, 0-4 straight up, and gross miscalculations of Reggie Bush, the Falcons defense, and the suckitude of the Bucs. My girlfriend makes better picks than that, and she knows less about football than The Sports Gal. (The Little Lady has her high spots, though ... most notably, not being married to Bill Simmons.) I feel like Willie Mays Hayes, picked off because I was too busy looking at my shoelaces. An entire box office full of sportswriters is jacking off looking at me right now. Though, in truth, that happens more often than I care to admit. Especially with Jay Mariotti. I gotta call the police about him. Or Carl Monday.

Anyway, back to Major League. In that same scene, Harry Doyle (Bob Eucker) claims that you can tell how a season is going to go by the first batter. Fortunately, football doesn't work that way, because there are no batters. So despite a piss poor start to the season, I'm back in the saddle. Besides, if you can't recover after an awful first week, the Panthers and Bucs have long, long season ahead of them.

With that in mind, my fantasy and gambling (is there any difference) picks for Week 2 in the Dirty South:

Bucs (+4.5) over FALCONS, Falcons straight up

"Do you know us? We're a major league...team."

But, since they played like a Division II school last week, you'd be forgiven if you thought that the Bucs, on paper, look like cannon fodder for the Falcons. This looks like a great 2nd game for the Birds - they are coming back to the ATL for their home opener after a huge road win in the division. Their iffy quarterback had a good game, their defense came up large, and their home field gets genuinely loud. Oh, and their opponent got shut out at home last week. Yeah, this looks good on paper.

But ... not to go Lee Corso on you or anything ... not so fast. First of all, the Bucs offense never got the chance to get into rythmn. Baltimore stuffed them so badly in the first half tht they had to completely pitch the game plan, and the Bucs simply don't have the quarterback to improvize at the half. I can't imagine things going that poorly two weeks in a row. Second, Carnell Williams was sidelined with back spasms for most of the game, but he expects to be feeling better and ready to go come Sunday. Finally, Chucky won't stand his team putting up that poor of a performance two weeks in a row - especially from himself, after he abandoned the run when Cadillac went down even with Michael Pittman and Mike Alstott available. Plus, they've had a week to enjoy the fine talent in Tampa strip clubs to clear their minds. The Bucs will play better.

Oh, and Mike Vick rarely has two solid games in a row. I'm going with the Bucs against the spread no matter what - but since I'm worried about Caddy's back, I take the Falcons straight up.

Baby made a boom-boom last week. Baby has fresh diaper.

Panthers (-2.5) over VIKINGS, Panthers straight up

"That's it. We're coddling these guys. Yeah...."

That's the only explanation I can come up with. The Panthers looked awful on Sunday, so I can only conclude that they let all the Super Bowl hype (and Steve Smith's injury) get to their head. Yup. That's the only explanation. They'll be back.

Now, my roommate is a crazy 'Skins fan. Not "wear a pig snout and a house dress" crazy, but a pretty serious guy with a hetero-man crush on Clinton Portis and Joe Gibbs. According to him, Monday night's surprise win by the Vikings at FedEx Field was less a case of them looking good and the Redskins looking bad, and more a case of the Vikings looking mostly competent and the Redskins looking mostly lost. And no, my roommate isn't Mike Wilbon, though that would be pretty cool too.

I take that to heart, so I think the Panthers take this one on the road. Yes, I know that Steve Smith is still questionable with hammy problems. And yes, Dan Morgan, their Pro Bowl linebacker, will be out with what is "at least his fifth" concussion. And that they lost their starting left tackle, which will probably not be so good for their running game. I'm calling it for the teal and black. Call it the "everyone in the NFL will go 8-8, so everyone will start 1-1" theory.

Or, more accurately, call it the "Eirishis is sticking with his binky at least one more week" theory.

Don't worry, ladies - y'all still my girls. Especially in bathroom stalls.

Saints (-1.5) over PACKERS, Saints straight up

"Eh, who cares, nobody's listening anyway."

You want to know why CBS/FOX don't air double headers every weekend? Because of games like this. The Saints are 1-0 because they were passable in their opener, while the Browns looked like the Browns. The Packers, once invincible (now available at a theater near you!) at Lambeau, got shut out last week, leading Brett Favre to leave the field early for his prostate exam. They have one wide receiver who doesn't drop the ball. They have two running backs - one of whom can't hold onto the ball or his health, the other of whom went to Liberty. The Packers stink. This game stinks.

Upside - we get to see Reggie Bush terrorize an unsuspecting defense. Say what you will about the Browns, but most "experts" agree that they have a fairly solid defense - and Bush lit them up for 120 yards total offense. The only thing the Packers could defend would be a bratwurst invasion.

I can't see this game being close. Either Brett Favre gets paddleshocked before the game and manages to fuck this up for the Saints, or the Packers will lose by double digits. I don't get this line.

Only marginally better at killing brats than the Packers and their fans.

On to the fantasy players to watch out for this week (for good or ill), similar themed to the beginning of Major League:

"I thought you said we didn't have any high-priced talent" - Jake Delhomme. He rarely has two off weeks in a row, and the Vikings defense isn't nearly as good as the Falcons. Plus, he might have Smith back. Regardless, I think he's due. Unfortunately, that means that the 11pm SportsCenter with Boomer and TJ will make you want to pull your hair out.

"Even tough guys get sore arms, cramps, and muscle aches..." - Cadillac Williams and Steve Smith. Both of these guys are game-time decision, but it's an easy call - if they play, you play them. Chucky said that he rested Caddy during the 2nd half against the Ravens , and again in practice this week, to make sure his main offensive weapon would be healthy for Week 2. I'm willing to bet on that. And Steve Smith will find a way to get open even if you stab him in his kicking hamstring.

"Not bad for a bunch of has-beens and a couple never-will-bes." - The Falcons Defense. I'm a believer, in case my column on Tuesday didn't tell you. Then again, if they stink this week, I might pull a Shanoff - ignore them for a few weeks, then pretend I never wrote about them , take whatever opinion I want and pretend I always held it. I'm like 1984 in that way.

"Play like Mays, run like Hayes. How you doin? How you doin? My man!" - Reggie Bush. I'm still skeptical about his value on a weekly basis, but he'll light up the Packers on speed alone. I'll admit - I'm kinda cheering for this to happen, because I'm convinced that I have another pun in me involving a sexual entendre, Bush, and his opponent. Something tells me that "Bush" and "Pack" might be even better than "Bush" and "Brown".

"I've never heard of half these guys ... " - Marques Colston and Drew Carter. I'm hot/cold on these guys, respectively. Colston was a 7th round pick out of Hofstra (again - HOFSTRA!), but is a great fantasy pickup for two reasons: 1) Drew Brees has to throw the ball to someone and Joe Horn is declining, and 2) he's eligible at both WR and TE in most leagues. Good combination. Carter I am less sold on. He filled in well for Steve Smith last week, but that's a specific role. He's not a possession-type receiver, so he can't swap out with Keyshawn, and they already have Keary Colbert for the slot. I don't see him getting a lot of touches in the next few weeks unless Smith stays hurt.

"And Vaughn and the Indians continue to struggle with the Yankees..." - Warrick Dunn. Yes, he had a great game last week. Yes, the Tampa defense might be getting old. But for all their other troubles last week, the Bucs held Jamal Lewis to 78 yards and a pedestrian 4.3 yds per carry. Plus, in the Falcons' two games against the Bucs last year, Dunn averaged only 83 total yards per game, and scored no touchdowns. There will be a fantasy let down somewhere on the Falcons - I think this is the spot. Mind you, I think this is a one week thing - he'll break down later in the season.

And with that, I'm out. Enjoy the games, and just remember - when an evil owner plans on sending you down to the minors or giving you your outright release, the only thing left to do is win the whole fucking thing.

AFC South and North

2006-09-14T19:24:00.000-04:00

So Dick Butkus wanted to charge me $450 to run his picks to click, and I'm a poor graduate student. So I decided I'm going to dump him and start covering the AFC South and North since no one is covering them. By the way, the burrito is because well, I'm a grad student its what we live on that and humiliating undergraduates who put down stupid answers.

AFC South:
Houston vs. Indianapolis: An interdivision matchup that last year I would say would be no contest. Who am I kidding, the colts are going to roll this week, last week was a good test but houston's Defense still isnt all that great Mario Williams or not. Pick-Ponies 38 Texans 14

Tennessee vs. San Diego: San Diego looked great on defense and okay on offense versus a crappy oakland defense. Tennessee is still growing and learning, this weekend will be a lesson in who Shawne Merriman is. Pick-Greek gods 9 General Lees 42.

Jacksonville vs. Pittsburgh: Toothlessburger (Remember kids wear your helmet) should be back for the steelers versus jacksonville and I think this one will be really close and I am actually going against my pool....Pick-Mittal Corps. 14 Jag-u-ars 17

Good Starts: Peyton "The Mongoose" Manning, Marvin Harrison, Philip Rivers, LaDanian Tomlinson, SD's Defense, Hines Ward

Sit Them, David Carr, any Tennessee players really, Willie Parker

AFC North
Baltimore vs. Oakland: Since oakland looked like Indiana University's football team last week, Baltimore should roll easily. Pick-Quote never More 31 the french navy 0

The Battle of Ohio: Cleveland vs. Cincinnati: Hide the women and children, lock up the guns, close your local businesses early. Cincinnati will win rather easily but I wouldn't wanna be there at the game or even close so I won't get mugged. Bengays 37 Poop 7

The steelers we covered before...yes scroll up....right now....yes...

Good Starts: Carson Palmer, Rudi Johnson, Baltimore's D, Jamal Lewis, Derek "grunts" Mason

Sit Down: Cleveland...just go away, Willie Parker, and with the first pick in the NFL draft the oakland raiders take.......

AFC East: Week 1 Under Review

2006-09-12T13:35:00.000-04:00

Before we dive into the week that was the AFC East, let's take a look at my boneheaded picks:

Dolphins (+4) over Steelers

Can you really blame me for refusing to pick in favor of Charlie Batch? Of course, I didn't at all expect Culpepper to completely melt down over the course of two passes, which completely skewed the game. The second wan was extra killer, because it put the Steelers beyond the spread. Stupid me for thinking Culpepper's 2005 was an aberration. Note to self: the Dolphins probably aren't nearly as good as the hype. Not picking them again until they win.

Titans (-3) over Jets

As it turns out, Chad Pennington is the exact same quarterback he was prior to the shoulder surgery. Armed with his favorite target (a popular story among New York area newspapers, even though it's been done to death), Pennington put up a week expected by none. The only problem with the Jets win is that the expectations are going to be a bit loftier, meaning disappointment could be looming.

Patriots (-8.5) over Bills

D'oh! Right winner, but not even close on the spread. So much for the 13 point spread I mentioned in the preview. Not having seen the game, I attribute it more to bad luck on the Patriot's part than the Bills being good in any way. Then again, there's always the possibility that the Pats luck has run out. I'm still not betting against them, though.

So that's a whopping 0-3 in Week 1. Hey, if I'm this bad next week, you can always come to me as a reliable source for who not to bet on (ahhhh! Preposition at the end of a sentence!)

As for the week in fantasy:

QBs

1.Chad Pennington (16): 319 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT, 1 fumble lost
Remember back in 2002 and 2003 when Chad was actually a good quarterback and had a viable target in Lav Coles? It seems those days are back, or at least they were for Week 1. The main difference, though, is the lack of a running back, which will prove detrimental in the coming weeks. Start him if you will next week, but beware the aberration factor.

2.Tom Brady (11): 163 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, 1 fumble lost
Disappointing for Brady despite the two TDs. The pick and the fumble were even more hurtful because of his low yardage. I totally expect better numbers next week agains the Jets.

3.J.P. Losman (3): 164 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT, 0 fumbles lost
Yep, pretty shitty, just as expected. At least he didn't fall into the negative category ::cough:: Jake Plummer. Then again, if you received Losman's three points this week, you're likely an idiot and will deserve the -12 he'll put up in one of the coming weeks. The Buffalo Bills: fucking up the draft and ruining their long term prospects since I can remember.

4.Daunte Culpepper (1): 262 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT, 0 fumbles lost
Yeah, I'm being harsh on Daunte, but he fuckin' deserves it. He had the lead, and in the span of a few football minutes, he squandered it all. You can say that he'll recover and that his performance hinged on the Pittsburgh D, but that's a sheer cop-out. Fantasy owners across the nation are bracing themselves for Year Two of the Culpepper regression. Get him out, NOW. Because when you score less points than J.P. Losman, you've truly hit rock bottom. I'd say his trade value right now hovers somewhere around newly signed Koren Robinson's.

RBs

1.Ronnie Brown (14): 30 yards rushing, 32 receiving, 2 TDs
In a game where Willie Parker ran for 119 yards, Ronnie Brown still outscored him, proving that Willie is not a good fantasy player (which is probably a surprising statement coming from me). Pretty shitty average per carry, but the two TDs are a reprieve for fantasy owners. If Culpepper continues his shitty passing, though, Ronnie could be in a bit of trouble, as he won't have any goalline situations in which to score from three yards out.

2.Kevin Faulk (8): 21 yards rushing, 17 receiving 1 TD
Yep, he outscored Dillon and Maroney because of the TD. Thankfully, neither of the aforementioned backs were drafted too too early, so the hit isn't that bad. I still wouldn't nab Faulk on the waiver wire, however, unless I had a gaping hole at running back. Actually, I thought I would have one, but lo and behold:

3.Kevan Barlow (8): 35 yards rushing, 1 TD
So he looked terrrrrrible out there, rushing for just a pathetic average per carry. He can't break tackles, and he doesn't have a quick step to the outside. However, he's infinitely better than Derrick Blaylock, and should be getting more touches in the coming weeks. Probably the best 13th round pick I've made in a while.

4.Willis McGahee (5): 70 yards rushing, 24 receiving, 0 TD
The killer of my fantasy team here is killing someone else this year, as McGahee absolutely blows. That's what you get when your team's quarterback has a bigger pussy than Holley Mangold (do those jokes ever get old? Did I overdo it there?). Fuck you, Willis. Have fun racking up your 8 points a week average.

WRs

1.Lav Coles, Jericho Cottchery (9): 153 yards / 65 yards, 0 TD/ 1TD
Yeah, I think it was his TD that got called back on a D'Brickashaw holding call. And then Nuge flubbed the field goal, and the Jets were left with naught. It appears, however, that Coles and Pennington are on the same page, making Coles a potential weapon. I'm still not completely sold, but I'm liking what I see. I like Cottchery a helluva lot more, however.

2.Troy Brown (7): 18 yards, 1 TD
Could the departure of Deion Branch be the downfall of New England? It appears at least possible, as Tom Brady now has, oh, no reliable receivers beyond Brown, who is getting up there in age. He's on the DTAFFL waiver wire, and I for one haven't put in a claim.

3.Marty Booker (3): 64 yards receiving, 0 TD
What happened to Chris Chambers?

4.Josh Reed (2): 40 yards receiving, 0 TD
What happened to Lee Evans?

This is long...already over a thousand words. I think you're all fine with a major three position overview. If you want me to do tight ends, kickers, and defense, you'll just have to wait. My lunch break is almost over.

No Frills NFC North Review

2006-09-12T09:53:00.000-04:00

Ok folks, let's get right to the games last week. No bullshit, just the straight dope.

Minnesota looked very capable last night, going into DC and punking Southeast Jerome and the rest of the Redskins. I was impressed with Brad Johnson, who was very efficient in throwing for 223 yards, no picks and one TD to Marcus Robinson. Troy Williamson might need to get some fucking glasses based on those two huge drops. I mean, what the fuck? Ahmad Rashad would be rolling over in his grave if he were dead. But even with the drops, Johnson kept throwing to him and he ended up with 4 catches for 77 yards.

Chester Taylor also looked pretty good- it was the first time I've really seen him play and he finished the game with 88 yards rushing on 31 carries. Childress, now in control, appears a lot more dedicated to running the ball than Reid. Also, as I wrote in my preview, their defense looked better than in years past, giving up only 163 passing yards and holding the DC running backs to under 100 yards rushing.

Bottom Line- The Vikings should challenge the Bears for the NFC North title. I see them as a 10 or 9 win team who will be tough to beat at home. While not an elite team, you don't have to be elite to win this division. My advice- play their defense, Taylor, Williamson and keep Brad Johnson as your number 2 QB.

The Detroit Lions might be better than last year, as they fought the Seahawks until the very last play of the game before losing 9-6. Alexander only rushed for 51 yards and Hasselback was sacked 5 times as the Lions D seemed to respond to former Tampa D-Line coach Marinelli. Their rookie with the special helmet, Ernie Sims, had 10 tackles and could end up a solid pro if he doesn't get another concussion.

The bad news is that the Lions offense only managed 39 yards rushing and no touchdowns. If the offense ever catches up to the defense, .500 could be a realistic goal.

Bottom Line- While they might be an improved team, their offense is dreadful and there are no real fantasy studs on the team as of yet. Although Roy Williams talks a good game and has guaranteed a win against the Bears this Sunday, I wouldn't bet on it.

Bears- As expected, the Bears defense crushed the Packers. What was not expected, at least by me, was Rex Grossman throwing for 262 yards and a TD. Thomas Jones got the bulk of the carries and finished with 63 yards on 21 carries while C. Benson had 11 carries for 34
yards. M. Muhammed ended up with over 100 yards receiving and may be back to the form that made him so dominating as a Carolina Panther.

Bottom Line- The Bears were not really tested last week, so its hard to say if Grossman can put up numbers like this on a regular basis. Jones appears to be the main guy at RB, but Benson will get his share of touches.

Packers- In a stunning reversal, Brett Favre, after the game, informed us that this team might not be that good. No shit. Favre threw his customary two INTs against the Bears and had another horrible day as his team got their ass kicked at home. There was, however, some good news for the Packers-Ahman Green had 20 carries for 110 yards and his leg did not explode. Donald Driver also had a decent game, catching 7 balls for 96 yards.

Bottom Line- As everyone outside of Green Bay already knew, this team is flat out awful. Favre is embarrassing and the defense cannot even slow down the Bears.

This week's Brett Favre Award, going to the worst performance by a QB in the NFC North, goes to: Brett Favre and his 40.9 QB rating. Congrats Brett!

NFC South Gangbang - Week 1

2006-09-11T12:29:00.000-04:00

With none of my teams playing in Monday Night Football (now on ESPN, in case you didn't hear), here is the week that was (and the predictions that were) in the Dirty South:

I might have been wrong about the Panthers.

Panthers (-5.5) over Falcons, Panthers straight up.
Falcons 20, Panthers 6

It looks like Atlanta can do the Dirty Bird all they want for the next few days, because BOY was I off on this one. Mea culpa. I would say that it's my turn to eat crow, but I know already that my stomach would reject it as poison and kill me immediately.

As for the Panthers ... Seriously, fuck you. I hate looking like an idiot. I go out on a limb and pimp your division crown like its a foregone conclusion, and you go out and perform "Najeh in the Hamper" for your home opener. One more performance like that out of you and I swear to God, I'm giving you up as my binky. (No, I didn't mean it like that ... please, don't cry ... I'm sorry, of course I didn't mean to hurt you ... look, I'm just stressed out from work ... why don't we order in tonight, we can talk things over.)

I'm not going to kill you, Chris. Or am I?

Bucs (-3.5) over Ravens, Bucs straight up.
Ravens 27, Bucs 0

Speaking of teams that completely crapped out on Opening Day ... what the hell happened to the Buccaneers? Didn't this team (with almost no changes) win the division last year? Didn't the Ravens (with only one major change) finish with a losing record last year? Wasn't this game in Tampa? I don't care how much of a difference Steve McNair is supposed to make (and I still question whether that is indeed the case) - nobody predicted that kind of asswhipping.

The Bush is always better than the Brown.

Saints (+3.5) over Browns, Browns straight up.
Saints 19, Browns 14

Well, at least I got one bet right - taking the points with the Saints was a winner. I might have looked even better had Braylon Edwards not forgotten how to catch a ball, directing Charlie Frye's final pass attempt into the hands of a Bayou Boy Scout and killing the Browns hopes of eeking out a last second win (which would have still been within the spread). I'd bitch, but ... frankly, as a Browns fan, I kind of expected it.

Oh, right, the Saints are the team I'm supposed to talk about ...

Week 1 NFC South Fantasy Studs (points in our league in paratheses):

Warrick Dunn - 132 yds rushing, 10 yds receiving, 0 TD (7): He was kind of a big deal. I stand by my statement that he will breakdown this year without a complementary back, but until that happens, my oh my is he good. And if Jerious Norwood turns out to be that back, Dunn will be even more dangerous.

Michael Vick - 10/22, 140yds, 2 TD, 48 yds rushing (16): He still isn't very accurate, and the touchdown to Jenkins was due to a defensive breakdown. He also still went to Virginia Tech and enjoys lying about veneral disease. That said, he had a killer week in the stats.

John Carney - 1/1 PAT, 4/4 FG, 1/1 FG 40-49 yds (14): Probably wouldn't have made the list if he weren't a Domer, but he had great fantasy stats this week. And given that neither Bush or Deuce (who had an OK, but not stellar, game) could punch in a 2nd touchdown on two tries apiece for the Saints, that bodes well for Carney getting more chances to kick shorties. (Hehe...kick shorties...)

Performance of the Week

Falcons Defense - 6 points allowed, 2 forced turnovers, 4 sacks (15): Clearly, they took the bulletin board material I gave them to heart. Even without Steve Smith, the Carolina offense was supposed to be well-rounded enough in both the air and ground games to still kill you. The Atlanta D only went out and got four sacks, forced three forced fumbles, nabbed two turnovers, and held the Panthers to six points and 215 yards of total offense. That kind of domination tends not to be a one-shot deal.

Week 1 NFC South Fantasy Duds (points in our league in paratheses)

Tough to select just a few from two terrible team performances ... but ...
Jake Delhomme - 21/39, 186 yds, 0 TD, 1 INT, 1 fumble lost (-1): As I said, Delhomme has three games every year where he forgets to wake up in the morning. He'll be fine next week.

Panthers Defense - 20 points allowed, 1 sack, 0 turnovers, 1 blocked kick (4): Combined with Delhomme's sleepwalking performance and the Panthers' inability to run the ball, I'm pretty sure my friend Nordy, an unemployed Panthers fan, tried to commit suicide last night.

Carnell Williams - 22 yds rushing, 25 yds receiving, 0 TD (2): [Insert broke-down Cadillac joke here]. I was pretty surprised by this. The Ravens run defense was expected to be good, but ... wow. I'm guessing it's a bad day to be at the Bucs' compound, with Chucky blowing a gasket.

Tampa Bay Defense - 21 points allowed, 1 sack, 0 turnovers (1): Cue Harry Doyle - "One hit? We only got one goddamn hit?" "You can't say goddamn on the air!" "Eh, who cares, no one is listening anyway."

Joe Horn - 25 yds receiving (1): I wasn't wrong to say that he sucked.

Ricky Vaughn Hall of Shame

Chris Simms - 17/29, 133 yds, 0 TD, 3 INT (-4): Our favorite tattoo buddy pulled off easily the worst fantasy QB performance of the week. Somehow, I doubt it's his last. Jon Gruden - I want you to think long and hard about these names: Brad Johnson. Brian Griese. Heck, at this point, Shaun King. All decent quarterbacks that you let go in favor of this kid. But it's OK - I understand that Jeff George is still taking calls.

NFC South Newcomer of the Week:

Reggie Bush - 61 yds rushing, 58 yds receiving, 0 TD (6): The proudest resident of the 619 wasted no time in making me look like a fucking idiot. Once he starts scoring (if that happens), he might actually be worth the hype. But, let's all breath deep - it was the Browns. Also pretty good in this game - Marques Colston, a 7th round pick for the Saints, who picked up 49 yds and a touchdown. He went to Hofstra. Hofstra!

The overall lessons - (1) I've apparently been drinking too many hurricanes, because the Saints were the only team I had any sort of bead on in Week 1, (2) the small fast players in this division might be pretty good, and (3) the "bet the house" defense of the division may not be located where we thought it was.

We'll try again on Thursday.

NFC West Breakdown. Cue the Crappy Tantric Song.

2006-09-11T11:30:00.005-04:00

Screw the music, let's break down some football.

Denver over St. Louis.
STL - 18 DEN - 10

Oops. My bad. This Snake did not fare too well on the plane Sunday. Rams Kicker Jeff Wilkins kicked 6 field goals throw down a whopping 21 points in the league, only bested overall by Baltimore D (25 pts), Donovan McNabb and Kurt Warner (22), and the same number as free-agent sub-in for Big Ben-Charlie Batch.

Seattle over Detroit.
SEA - 9 DET - 6

I was wrong in the blog (about the 50 TD's), but oh-so-right in my fantasy team. Josh Brown knocks in the only points that the Hawks scored. Alexander looks like he always does in the first game of the season, lost. Detroit still sucks.

Arizona over San Francisco.
ARI 34 SF 27

This was a close one, and Kurt Warner outdueled Alex Smith to give the new-look Cardinals their first win. Frank Gore was a maniac, Edgerin James seemed to be adapting to his new team well, and the Boldin/Fitzgerald combo delivered. The Pink Taco faithful were not disappointed in the stadium's first real win.

I'm 3-1 so far in preview picks. Not bad.

Week 1 NFC West Fantasy Studs:

Kurt Warner, QB - ARI (22). 23/37 , 301 yards, 3 TD's, no INTs. Kurt is the ultimate roller coaster, and when he reminds us that he's not dead, it's usually in a rather spectacular way.

Jeff Wilkins, K - STL (21). 6/7, 51-yard long kick. Much like Brown with the Seahawks, Wilkins put the team on his back and scored all of their points. In this case, it was an impressive 18-spot against the Broncos. While Rackers and Vinatieri were getting snagged way too early, this guy looks to be a steal and a solid investment.

Frank Gore, RB - SF (19). 17 carries, 87 yards, 2 td's. 6 rec, 83 yards. With his longest run coming in at 32 yards, and some serious sticky fingers, Quite Frankly is looking like a steal in the position he fell to in the draft. If he hadn't lost that fumble, he could have easily had the most points of any player in the league.

ST Louis, D - STL (18). 10 points allowed, 4 sacks, 3 INTs, 2 fumble recoveries. STL's D has put Jake the Snake's job in jeopardy. Big stops and momentum-killer interceptions axed any shot the Broncos had at taking this one.

Josh Brown, K - SEA (12). 3/5, 51 long, 2 blocked kicks. Last year Joshy benefitted nicely from Hasslebeck and Alexander's riduclous amount of TD's, he was a viable option last year purely based on PAT's. This year he will get less PAT's and waaay more FG's. He's got good range, and aside from poor protection twice in this week's game, he's consistent as hell.

Fantasy Duds:

Shaun Alexander, RB - SEA (one fucking point). Shaun starts slow. Whenever I draft him, I always pick someone who looks flashy in the first few games to start the season opener. Like your friend's Toyota Tacoma that needs 2 minutes to accelerate to 90, Shaun needs to get into the groove before he becomes a points machine again.

NFC West Free-Agent Performer of the Week (tie):

Adam Bergen, WR - ARI (7) & Troy Walters, TE - ARI (6). Bergen and Walter took grabs away from the wonder twins (Boldin and Fitzgerald) and were viable options that put up better numbers than a number of early-round equivalents. These guys look to benefit most from pass defenses that focus on the twins. These numbers won't happen often.

NEXT WEEK:

Arizona at Seattle
St. Louis at San Francisco

It's crazy divisional matchup bonanza week. Look for a preview sometime around Thursday or Friday.

EDIT: Deion Branch has been traded to the Seahawks. The Hawks were definitely missing the now-injured-Brown Jurv, and he should be a great option for BC product Hasslebeck.

Profile of a So-So Player

2006-09-08T12:00:00.000-04:00

Admittedly, I'm much more a baseball guy than a football guy, so I'm going to have to draw upon my hardball knowledge here. It's common among baseball commentators, especially former pitchers, to assert that a young flamethrower is a “thrower,” but doesn't yet understand how to become a “pitcher.” Many people tackle this kind of statement as inane baseball rhetoric, something Rick Sutcliffe would blurt out while twice in the bag. However, it does hold water. If a youngster can throw 98 m.p.h. with some late movement, he can certainly get by without a ton of control. But that live arm doesn't last forever – just ask Randy Johnson – and at some point the kid is going to have to learn to paint the corners and use off-speed and breaking pitches to his advantage.

I draw on this knowledge when I make the following statement: Willie Parker is not a good running back. The kid has legs and can sprint up a storm, as evidenced by his 32-yard breakout run last night. However, that leaves him with 83 yards over his other 28 carries, or 2.8 yards average. That, my friends, is not a good runner. That's a guy who, if his blockers open up a perfect path, will sprint through the hole for significant gains. But with linebackers seeing him early and often, he's not likely to break off such a run very often. He may gain significant yardage per game, but that's directly a result of the Steeler's modus operandi of running the ball 30-35 times a game.

Even worse than Willie Parker the real football player is Willie Parker the fantasy player. Even with his 115-yard performance, he managed only 12 points in my ESPN league (I didn't create it, and yes, ESPN leagues are stupid). This is one point for every ten yards, and a bonus point for a 100-yard rushing game (dumb, dumb setting there). Ronnie Brown, who ran for just 30 yards on 15 carries, scored 15 points by virtue of two touchdowns. Unfortunately for Parker owners, he's not the type of player to whom you hand the ball on the goal line. Hence, he's going to score all of his touchdowns from 10+ yards out, ergo he won't have many at all. He may be decent as a backup you use when your starter has a bye week, but not someone you want to start every week.

I bring this up because a team in that league – who happen to be owned by my best friend – traded for Parker immediately following our draft. The compensation? Matt Hasselbeck and Thomas Jones. Nevermind for a minute that Hasselbeck will undoubtedly score more cumulative points than Parker this season (TD passes are worth six points, the way it should be). Here's the roster he's now trotting out on a weekly basis:

QB – Culpepper
RB – Alexander
RB – Parker
WR – Randy Moss
WR – David Givens
WR/TE – Lav Coles (though it could be Bray Edwards)
TE – Alex Smith
K – Akers
D – Redskins

Trading those two for Parker immeasurably hurt his team depth. And with Culpepper looking rather terrible last night, this trade looks even worse. His top QB doesn't look to be any better than last year (though it's only one game, so we can't completely jump the gun). His top RB is at serious risk for severe regression, and his second option won't score more than six touchdowns on the season. To boot, his other option is Travis Henry, who, with LenDale White looking strong, probably won't get too many touches. Randy Moss is a complete gamble, since it's unknown whether Aaron Brooks can even deliver him the ball. Givens is dependent on Kerry Collins, which doesn't bode well. Worse yet, Coles depends on Chad Pennington, the only QB in the league without a rotator cuff, and Bray Edwards is reliant on Charlie Frye.

With all this in mind, why would you trade a good quarterback and a decent running back (who could certainly score more touchdowns this season than Parker, despite being platooned with Cedric Benson)? Why would you allow Parker to become one of your primary backs at all?

Looking at last season, it's difficult to decipher why Parker is rated so highly. He scored a mere four touchdowns in 225 attempts, though in his defense that's mainly because the Steelers are wont to feed the ball to Bettis near the goal line. However, I don't think they'll be feeding it to the 5'10, 210 Parker in those situations even in the Bus's absence. His 1,202 yards gained seems impressive for a rookie at first glance, but there is more behind this number. For instance, Parker had three stellar games in which he notched over seven yards per carry. In each of those, he broke off a 30+ yard run. And, if you want to take it deeper, they were all against terrible run defenses.

Week 1 vs. Tennessee (ranked 22nd in the league against the run). 22 carries, 161 yards, 7.3 average, long run of 45-yards. Without the breakout run, that average is down to 5.52, which is still respectable. It would be more respectable against an upper-half run defense.

Week 7 vs. Cincinnati (20th against run). 18 carries, 131 yards, 7.3 average, long run of 37 yards. Without the breakout run, 5.52 ypc. Basically, it's the same deal as Tennessee against a very slightly better (i.e. a difference of three yards per game) defense.

Week 16 vs. Cleveland (30th against run). 17 carries, 130 yards, 7.6 average, long run of 80 yards. Without the breakout run, 2.94 ypc – against a simply abysmal run defense.

In each of these games, Willie was not burdened with running the ball in the fourth quarter, which could have significantly reduced his average. In essence, Willie is a fill-in player. He'll nab you a long run about once per game, but unless his feet hit the end zone on said run, he's not going to be worth many points. I'm not going to sneeze at 12 points, but I'll laugh when Hasselbeck puts up 20.

Week 1 in the Dirty (NFC) South

2006-09-08T02:02:00.000-04:00

You might be expecting, given the title of this post, a humorous preview of the NFC South which compares the teams and key players/coaches to Southern rappers. And that would be a hell of a preview. But I can't write it. You see, I'm not just Caucasian. No. I make the whitest person you know, or have ever seen, look like veritable gangster. I blind people with my whiteness. I'm not proud of it. But I'm just not capable of even faking street cred. And I have way too much respect for people like Sexy Results to even attempt their game.

Practically a Crip compared to Eirishis.

So why bring up the Dirty South? Because, hip hop aside, I can't think of a more appropriate moniker of this division. Drugs, crime, scandal and disease abound ... and that's just talking about the owners. Let's go to the tape:

Falcons - I can't think of anything funny to say about this team. They are terribly unexciting. They once again made a terrible trade to bring in an overrated wide receiver as the "solution" to Vick's passing problems. They ostensibly refuse to that they would in all likelihood be better off with Matt Schaub under center (though I feel bad for Mora here - he'd get KILLED for making the right move). They made a terrible trade to send T.J. Duckett to Washington, leaving them with no backfield complement to Warrick Dunn, whose durability and success for them has been directly related to the Falcons' using him on only 60% of offensive downs. Some say this means he'll score the touchdowns he missed in years past - I think it means his 31-year-old body will break down by Week 10. Oh, and their defense is nothing special.

That this team is not very good is particularly disappointing given that Arthur Blank, despite looking vaguely like the long lost Mario Brother, seems to be the perfect sports owner - legitimate fan of the team, cogniscent of its role in the community, willing to spend money but stay out of the way of his football people. Memo to Arthur - might be time to get your NASCAR driver to go apeshit and beat the everloving piss out of Vick for no reason.

Week 1 pick - Afflicted with a herp outbreak, they lose straight up and against the spread to the Panthers. (More on them in a second.)

Week 1 stud - Alge Crumpler, who will remain Vick's favorite target, a Top-5 fantasy tight end, and a captain of the All-Great Name team. Vick will have a decent game (he's been kryptonite to the Panthers the last four years), and Dunn will be healthy week one. But adjusted for position, Crumpler is the best bet.

Week 1 dud - The Falcons defense. A lot of people had them at least present on their draft board, but the Panthers offense will run (and pass) circles over them. Could even be the rare negative point week.

Oh, and when I said I had nothing funny about the Falcons ... well ... there is the obvious ...

"We don't want none of them Mexicans in this here Carolina." And I don't blame them.

Panthers - Clearly the cream (and clear) of the crop in the Dirty South, both in the real games and in fantasy as they are the only team that has a useful player at every position. Jake "Daylight come on Chris Berman's face" Delhomme is a solid choice at quarterback, but frankly, I don't get the talk about him being a Top-5 fantasy arm. After three years as starter, we know what to expect from him - about 275 yards, two touchdowns, one interception, and three games where he absolutely shits the bed. Unless he spent the offseason on the 'roids his line has been using the last couple years, I don't see him making the leap into the elite QB club.

At the other positions, I love the acquisitions of Keyshawn Johnson (partly for his own stats, partly for what he'll do for Steve Smith's) and DeAngelo Williams (who will be DeStarting running back by Week 5 thanks to DeShaun Foster's brittle legs). Their defense is still one of the five best in the league. And John Kasey is left footed, which is cool, I guess. Though I kinda wonder how he picked up trim at parties. "Hi, I'm John. Yeah, I make a lot of money ... actually, I use my feet ... yeah, they are kinda small, but they can do some amazing shit with balls ... "

(The facts that a) I'm from North Carolina and b) they had two cheerleaders who were arrested for doing blow off each other's racks, making fuck in a bathroom stall, and punching a woman in the face, had absolutely no impact in my rating the Panthers highly in this preview.)

Hall of Fame in so many ways.

Week 1 pick - A healthy dose of Valtrex as they whomp the Falcons at home.

Week 1 stud - Keyshawn. Tough pick here between him and Smith - it comes down to where the Falcons' safeties bite, because neither of these guys can be covered on their preferred routes (Smith on a hitch, Keyshawn on a slant) by solo corners. But Smith's got a bum hammy and is questionable for the game. My bet is he plays, but that Keyshawn pulls the better stats.

Week 1 dud - DeShaun Foster, who will be the most disappointing starting running back in fantasy football not playing for the Broncos until he inevitably gets hurt.

Bucs - On one hand, this should be a playoff team. They have solid, if not spectacular players at skill positions in Joey Galloway, Michael Clayton, and Cadillac Williams who will produce every week. They have a defense that, while not as spectacular as it once was, still produces turnovers and generally keeps opponents off the board. They have a good coach who knows what the fuck he is doing, and has minimized off the field issues, despite living in the strip club capital of the world.

But on the other hand, they have a quarterback who, in addition to being the overwhelming favorite to be the next NFL quarterback to pull a Chessning, has never won a big game in his entire life and was once benched for Brian Fucking Griese. Gross, man! [No, seriously, come back, that's the only pun in the post.] The only thing that would make me more queasy about Chris Simms' ability to perform under pressure is if he cited Dick Vermeil as his hero.

Dude, you still can't come over. Not until that Simms kid breaks the ice for me.

Fortunately for fantasy players, that's not our concern. (Unless you have Simms. In which case you should shoot yourself.) The other guys will all still produce, even if the team spends all season dancing with Mediocrity. Who, by the way, looks really hot after a couple of beers.

Week 1 prediction - Ain't no fucking way I'm picking anyone to do poorly against the Baltimore Bird Shits. Bucs cover the spread and win at home.

Week 1 stud - The Bucs defense - I expect at least two sacks and two turnovers. Let's just say I'm not sold on the "Steve McNair can still get it done" theory, since, you know, he hasn't been functional in two years. But hey, at least the Poet Pussies have a not-at-all-demoralized Kyle Boller to lean back on.

Week 1 dud - Clayton. The glaring skill weakness of the Bucs is their lack of a receiving tight end. Without one, defenses don't even need to fake zone; they can simply pull a safety into the box and use a linebacker to spy the TE. That means that Clayton, their possession receiver, will be dealing with a clogged middle of the field most of the game, limiting his touches. Needless to say, I don't even know what I just said.

Saints - OK ... we need to clear one thing up before I can move forward with this. It's been a year. We all agree Katrina was a tragedy. We all agree that the government at all levels compeltely fucked up its response and that things are still pretty bad down there. We all agree that no one would mind if the Saints were good this year and brought smiles to peoples faces, but that sports aren't the most important thing in New Orleans right now. OK? We all agree? So we can go back to making fun of New Orleans like normal, right? Tit and bead jokes are cool? Good.

The only type of Mardi Gras flash safe for work.

OK, that little piece of business out of the way, the Saints are a mystery, dipped in batter and fried in a beignet. Drew Brees has proven that he is a pretty damn good NFL quarterback when he has three things - (1) a dual threat running back, (2) competent receivers, and (3) solid blocking. He has (1) in both Bush and Deuce. He still has (2) in Horn, though the Stallworth trade hurt. (3).......eek. If the Saints can even give three seconds a pass, he'll be a great backup quarterback and maybe even a starter. If they can't ... well, then he'll be calling David Carr for advice on painkillers. (Maybe while he's knocked out on morphine, they can remove that stupid ass birthmark from his right cheek.)

As for Bush ... honestly, I don't get why people were drafting him so high. Don't get me wrong, no one is higher on his talent and ceiling, but unless you're in a keeper league, is he seriously worth a 2nd round pick when he'll be learning the NFL game, playing against linebackers who can catch him, and splitting carries all year with a very good (when healthy) back? I think of him as the perfect W/R - a nice fifth option to rack up touchdowns with little expectation of major yardage. At least for the first couple of weeks, until he proves me to be a fucking idiot.

In truth, I don't think anyone knows what to expect from this team.

Week 1 pick - I'll be a homer and admit that I am, ever so temporarily, buying into the hype that the Browns have improved. I'll take the Poops to win at home, but the Saints with the points.

Week 1 stud - Deuce McAllister, who will make people regret not taking him earlier in their drafts. Bush may pick up more yardage this week, but Deuce will get the scores.

Week 1 dud - Joe Horn. How did he age so quickly? He went from being one of the top receivers in the league in 2004 to being on the Jerry Rice death watch by Week 8 last year. The Stallworth trade actually hurts his value, because he'll face tougher coverage.

Before signing off, my overall predictions:

Lesbians on Steroids - 12-4 and a bye week
Sailors in a Stripper Town - 9-7, just out of the playoffs.
Bayou Boy Scouts - 6-10, with hope for next year.
Dirty Birds of Mexico - 5-11, buying a Delta ticket away from ATL for either Mr. Mexico or Mr. Mora.

And with that, on to the games - just remember, next time some yokel at a bar complains about all the illegal immigrants using up our services, remind him that the only Mexico you know paid for his herpes test in straight cash, homies. Good night, and good luck.

The NFC East Abides...

2006-09-07T15:35:00.000-04:00

Because comparing NFL Players to characters in cult classics never gets old or stale, here are the key players in the NFC East, and their Big Lebowski counterparts:

Bill Parcells/The Big Lebowski: Plenty of lines to draw here, Both Jeffrey Lebowski and Bill Parcells have a complex that leads him to believe he is in charge of his respective charity/team (Little Lebowski Urban Achievers/Dallas Cowboys), when the truth of the matter is, some bitch runs the show (Maude/T.O.). Both are grotesquely overweight, handicapped in some way or form (Some Chinaman took Lebowski's Legs/Jerry Jones won't let Billy boy lay the smack down on his prima donna WR). Lastly both are relying on past glory to cash in today (Lebowski hasn't been relevant since he met first lady Nancy Reagan, Ronnie wasn't able to make the shoot/Parcells hasn't been successful since...well...about the same time).

Jeremy Shockey/The Dude: The Dude has the hair, so does Shockey. But more importantly The Dude has the "Who gives a fuck attitude" and so does Jeremy Shockey. It's that attitude that drove the movie, and its the same attitude that will help the Giants win games this year. Expect Shockey to continue putting up Pro Bowl numbers as Eli Manning continues to grow and get better.

Andy Reid/Walter Sobchek: The physical similarities are mindfuckingboggling. Andy Reid could work on the facial hair, some stirrups and more of a fu manchu would be fucking money. Walter didn't watch his buddies die face down in the muck so that some strumpet...some whore (TO) could drive this storied (a losing story yes, but a story nonetheless) franchise into the ground. Andy Reid realizes that their are FUCKING RULES, and he seems to be the only one. They stuggled last year and many (with the exception of good ol' Billy Simmons) expect them to fail again. I'm gonna pull a Madden here but, Andy Reid knows how to coach a football team. The running backs may blow, but the offensive line is always stellar (when not racked by injuries) they have a patchup job at WR and a QB coming off injuries. If the Eagles players aren't fucking amateurs and follow the fucking rules, they have a chance at shocking everyone and taking the East.
And Yes, I hate the fucking Eagles.

Drew Bledsoe (pictured on his back)/Donny: In one of the final scenes in the Big Lebowski, Donny is last scene lying on his back following a heart attack. More often than not this season, expect Drew Bledsoe to be lying in a similar position. The Statue of Ineptitude will undoubtedly crumble for various reasons, one of them being his sensitivity to contact (see Mo Lewis). Much like Donny post-mortem, Drew Bledsoe's passes flutter in the wind and are intercepted by the opposition, expect plenty of this as well, even with Maude and Terry Glenn patrolling the field. Good night sweet prince.

T.O./Maude Lebowski: T.O.'s work has been commended as being strongly vaginal. As has his attitude. He's pictured here on a bike because i could not find a picture of him in a 'Boys uniform (and because I thought a picture of a vagina wouldn't bode well with our family blog here). As noted in the Parcells post, Maude runs the LLUA much like T.O. runs the Cowboys. Julianne Moore, in many of her movies appears topless. Terrell Owens, in almost every fucking google image picture I found, appears topless. Did I mention I fucking hate Terrell Owens, I'm sorry I even brought him up. Moving on...

Michael Strahan/Knox Harrington, The Video Artist: This was too easy, the voices are too similar.

BigRicks: Who the fuck are you?

MS: Oh just a friend of Dr Ian Smith's

BigRicks: A friend with a cleft asshole?

MS: Oh...Jeez...Ahhh

Tiki Barber/Allan (The Dude's Landlord): Short, bald, and loves to perform. Just like Allan got his venue at the Crane Jackson Fountain Street Theater to perform his dance quintet-you know, his cycle-Tiki has found his venue when he decides to retire. TV commercial after TV commercial, I have seen him in Ads for Hanes, my local cable provider, and some bullshit New York City ad with Curtis Martin. He LOVES being in front of the camera. What's important for fantasy owners though is he LOVES to get pretty big numbers and can be a top tier RB. His running holes may even get larger if Sinorice Moss emerges as a deep threat and safety's have to play back.

Clinton Portis/Jesus: The most outlandish and enjoyable character in The Big Lebowski relates perfectly to the most outlandish and enjoyable character in the NFC East. This comparison would be even better if Portis molested eight year olds, but alas, we can't all be like Eddie Johnson. Much like Jesus, Coach Janky Spanky does not believe in this day of rest Bullshit. He does, however, believe in resting during the preseason to rehab your injured shoulder. Anybody who watched Clinton Portis fall past #6 or #7 in their fantasy draft without picking him was downright foolish and will feel the pain when Portis takes his piece, shoves it up their asses, and pulls the fucking trigger till it goes click.

Joe Gibbs/Jackie Treehorn: Much like Jackie and the "adult film industry", Joe has been in the football business for a long time. While he was gone, the Redskins went downhill (much like the adult film industry). They lacked a good runningback (Skip Hicks anyone?), QB (Gus Frerotte anyone?) and WR (Michael Westbrook anyone?). But the new Redskins are the wave of the future dude, Gibbs has Portis, Santana Moss, Brandon Lloyd, a revamped Offensive Line and coaching staff, a veteran QB and a young QB possibly waiting in the wings. While you may still jerk off manually, Redskins fans are jerking off to the idea of running away with the NFC East, and I don't blame them. Joe Gibbs pulls a lot of water in these parts, Norv Turner doesn't pull shit.

Tom Coughlin/Chief of Police of Malibu: Fucking Fascist! Tom Coughlin does not like deadbeats. He doesn't like your jerk off name, he doesn't like your jerk off face, he dosen't like your jerk off behavior, and he doesn't like you. Jerk off.

Eli Manning/Smokey: Smokey has emotional issues, beyond even pacifism. Eli seems to play football, give interviews, and basically live his life as if he has no emotion at all. Eli seems like a concientous objector, put in a football uniform because it was in his genes, he plays because he can, but never shows a sign that he's enjoying himself. After a stadium full of Giants fans didn't enjoy themselves during last season's playoff drubbing by the Panthers (it was miserable, trust me, I was there) Everyone is hoping that this time, Manning stands up to the Panthers, or anybody else, when they insist he was ">over the line. Mark it 8 Dude.

Onto my picks for Week 1 and my non Dr. Z inspired picks for the season:

Hotel California vs. Rice: If you happen to have a member of the Eagles Offense on your team, you stand to be in pretty good shape, people say the Texans have solidified their D, but I'll wait a few weeks before not starting players in front of their Defense. Stallworth's debut as an Eagle will go well, McNabb will look good, Mario Williams will still not deserve to be the top pick in the draft and the Eagles will win.

'Boys vs. Jags Hags: The 'Boys have the weapons to do some damage, with TO and Glenn, but RB questions (Fucking tandem backfield, fuck you shanahan) and the simple presence of Drew Bledsoe leads me to be wary and to go with the Jags for the win. Expect some production out of the WR's though.

Eli vs. Peyton: Archie's wet dream will be a shootout, unfortunately (I'm a Giants fan) I don't think that the Giants secondary can contain Harrison, Wayne and Stokely, although they should be able to load up on cornerbacks knowing that Osi and Strahan will prevent the Colts subpar RB's from doing anything substantial. Look for Shockey to get some catches as Eli wets his pants like a little girl at the site of Dwight Freeney and throws quick outs all night long. Tiki will gain his yards and fantasy owners should be happy with the offensive production from both sides.

'Skins vs. Sex Cruise Alumnus: The 'Skins should take this hands down for two simple reasons, better offense and better defense. Mark Brunell can throw to Santana Moss and brandon Lloyd, not to mention Cooley or Portis out of the backfield (assuming Portis starts). Brad Johnson can throw too...umm...Marcus Robinson. By the way, did you know that Monday Night Football moved to ESPN? Seriously, I just found out today, apparently they're doing a double header. Pretty wild.

NFC East after Week 17:
'Skins: 11-5
Giants: 9-7 (WC)
'Boys: 9-7
Eagles: 7-9

Have any ideas for other characters? Bunny? Brandt? The Nihilists? Throw 'em in the comments. Wait. What? You don't like my preview. If you don't like my preview get your own fuckin' Blog. Get the fuck off of my blog!

How To Watch Fantasy Football

2006-09-07T14:22:00.000-04:00

Fantasy Football is the Phish of the sports world. Phish is not a band, Phish is an excuse. An excuse to drop acid, have sexual relations with who/whatever, and drop far too much money on merch. I don't like Phish, but I love Fantasy Football.

Fantasy Football validates watching 8 hours of football each week that does not concern the team your root for (and consuming all of the beer and nachos that are required therein). It's an excuse to buy a jersey of a player that nobody else in your city has. Above all else, it's an excuse to do jack shit at work for a few minutes a day. As I write this, I am preparing to watch a game tonight that my team is not playing in, while wearing my Ricky Williams jersey and delaying the graphic design assignment on my desk as much as possible.

Here are house rules we followed in college:

1. NEVER cheer when a player doing something good against your team gets you points. Don't be that sack of shit that jumps up and says "who's house? RUN'S HOUSE!" when Tom Brady gets sacked by the Dolphins D. That will get you slapped, uninvited from future football gatherings, or worse... forced to pay for the beers next week. "Well, at least he got me points" is an equally douchebaggy comment. Acceptable responses include feigning remorse, wishing aloud that your team had made him "work harder for it", or saying that you should have drafted all of your players from the opposing league. The best response is nothing at all until you go to get your next beer - as long as you don't get caught doing the triumphant fist pump on the way. An obvious bylaw of this is to never turn off your team's game to see other fantasy players, unless no one else is around.

2. Watch the big boys first. My priorities this week are watching
A. Cadillac Williams
B. Donovan McNabb
C. Anquan Boldin
and whoever else I can catch is just gravy. Primarily you should be eyeing your money 1st round guy, your starting QB, and who you expect to be your #3 points man that week OR your best receiver. Different players, different teams, different positions; keeps things interesting. This should be a no-brainer, but least year I caught myself watching a Vikes game for Koren Robinson when Shaun Alexander was playing against a D-Line that looked like a playground game of red rover. Channel flipping is highly encouraged during posession changes. My lack of the NFL Sunday Ticket will likely leave me watching Jacksonville with unlikely hopes that Marcedes Lewis will come up huge.

3. Share the wealth when watching with a group. If you're hosting and you have the elusive "Sunday Ticket", make sure everyone gets dibs watching some of their guys for a few.

4. Shit talking is a must. If your D sacks/stops/swats an player who someone else has, razz away. Also applicable when a player fumbles/gets steamrolled/screws up an easy pass. Overhyping your team is a must.

Optional: 5. When you are with members of a certain fantasy team, the other ones are dead to you. If you are all nerdy enough, don't worry about this one.

Happy flipping. Here's to the football season and all of the calorie-consumption it brings with it.

Got The Ass’ 2006 AFC West Fantasy Spectacular Showcase Showdown!

2006-09-07T12:16:00.000-04:00

So we’ve all read the “pundits” and their “predictions” for the upcoming regular season (thanks, Dr. Z, for that NFC East is going 9-7 prediction). But we’re not here to focus on that. Nope. Why deal in regular when you can live in a world of fantasy, like we all do? That’s why I’m here, anyway. Presenting to you…

Got The Ass’ 2006 AFC West Fantasy Spectacular Showcase Showdown!

But instead of trips to Tahiti, a boat or a dune buggy, what you win here is a catamaran of knowledge… about the AFC West. So do with that what you will.

QUARTERBACKS
This division is a strong one for quarterbacks, if you count “promise, past and future” as one of the barometers for being a strong QB (ha—let’s see Madden 08 try to incorporate that!). Hippie-cum-lumberjack Jake Plummer throws to a complete receiving corps in Denver, which doesn’t really help when his self-destruction is as lingering as the snide comment he’ll receive for driving a Honda Element (“I drive a Honda Element!). Expect lots of yards, but not that high of a TD total (more on that later), and the lingering of Jay “Watcha back” Cutler doesn’t bode well either. This might end badly. Boy George calling the cops while coked up when there’s still a pile on his glass table-badly. Which is good for a Raider fan like me. Which brings me to Aaron Brooks. After one good season, and one blown season (get it… blown, hurricane, New Orleans… too soon?), Brooks moves his act to Oaktown to try to hook up with the most complete receiving group in the league. The problem with that is the Oaktown O-line, which should be improved with Art Shell running the show. But I still don’t trust it that much, so I’m going to say Brooks will get his yards, more TDs than Plummer because of the wide outs, but a lot of picks. I mean, a lot of them. But I guess when you’ve gotta keep Ds (which I head Laura Quinn is fond of) honest for LaMont, you’ve gotta chuck the ball. Which San Diego QB Phillip Rivers hasn’t done much of in his professional career. While he and Eli Manning came in the same year, Eli is now being touted as a Super Bowl savior (ahem) while Rivers enters the season with people wondering if he won’t shit himself when he’s not handing off to LT or dumping (heh) off to Antonio Gates. Expect a lot of learning on the job as blitz packages come as often as UPS (weak, I know) to tee off on LT. As a side note, I hope Schottenheimer gets something done to him of a violent nature for what he did to Drew Brees at the end of the season. Sure, it all worked out in the end with Brees signing in New Orleans (synergy, people!), but if he knew he and management were leading towards Rivers, why keep Brees in the whole meaningless last game to get his labrum torn? That’s fucked up. Speaking of fucked up, Trent Green’s grill is that way. Homie looks like a horse. Even more than Elway. But he’s a good QB, even if he’s had help from honest-defensive makers Marhsall Faulk, Priest Holmes and now LJ. The thing is, KC has Philly’s problem in that he never has anyone really good to throw it to. Samie Parker? Eddie Kennison? Those are the guys that, when you’re picking up free agents between seasons in Madden, you skip over for the cheaper, younger guy whose number you can spike. Sure he has Gonzales, but he’s one goal-post jump from his brittle knee being shattered. 3200 yards/16 TDs. Hey, was that a prediction? Yeah, it was.

RUNNING BACKS
The AFC West has the best RBs in the game (football) today. Top to bottom, there’s not one bad RB in the lot, and in one case, there are two. That case is “DENVER.” Remember in the old NES games, when they wouldn’t have pro names, just [TEAM CITY] RB to mark who just ran what? Well, that’s what I’ll always see the Denver RBBC situation as. This year, Mile High rocks the Bells, Mike (a rookie) and Tatum, taking the handoff from middle-finger-tosser Plummer, which is funny considering that entering training camp, Ron Dayne was considered the lead RB, which is stupid because he’s Ron Dayne. And lo and behold, Dayne is now a Texan. Denver cut him because they tired of putting a sandwich on the Jumbotron for him to focus on as he ran like a carrot on the stick. Jumbotron indeed! Expect 2200 yards, 15-17 TDs for DENVER RB. Split that up as you’d like. Not as Jumbo, but still large and in charge, is LaMont Jordan, the Raiders RB who came over two seasons ago from the Jets (which I just typed Jest, and I think we should keep it that way). An awesome out of the backfield receiver and powerful runner, LaMont is a spectacular mix of man and machine, a cyborg whose only purpose is to destroy linebackers named Sara Conner… oh wait, that’s the Terminator… or is it? Expect LaMont to save the Raiders’ asses a lot this season to the tune of 12 TDs and 1700 yards (combined… like a cyborg, get it?). One guy a lot of people got—many first in the draft—is Larry Johnson, the former malcontent backup to Priest Holmes that people handcuffed-cum-malcontent running back running over everyone. The dude is sick, which is hard for me to admit, considering he’s a Chief. People are bemoaning the fact that Herm Edwards is taking over the reins in KC, and Al Saunders left, but people forget that Herm coached Curtis Martin to a rushing title three years ago (before his knees collapsed faster than Toni Braxton’s career). He’s going to have 2000 yards this year, 18+ TDs. The totals will be more if Herm’s clock management skills come into play and he’s running LJ down by 7 from the 35 with :50 left. That’s a lot of numbers, which is what LaDanian Tomlinson has been putting up for the past few years (segue, people!). LDT (‘spect the OG LT) has been what people are comparing Reggie Bush to, Gayle Sayers 2.0 (does that make RB GS 3.0, or LDT 2.0?). The man can do it all, except escape dings to his hammy and ribs. It’s to the point where he doesn’t even play in any reindeer games (aka, the preseason) lest his boo-boos flare up like Rudolph’s nose. Expect the same from him, 1800-2000 yards combined, ridiculous TD total, upping that re-donkulous TD totals if Phillip Rivers just gives up and starts having LDT receive every snap like a 1983 Nebraska game.

WIDE RECIEVERS
You know when kids aren’t that bright, but they excel at one thing, like booger picking or quantum physics? You know, savants? Well, that’s how I feel about the Raiders’ WR corps. Sure they have a really good RB, their QB is okay and… um… well, Oakland has the best WR corps in the league. This is a team who just traded their no. 3 WR (Doug Gabriel) to the Gaytriots (did I say that?), and there’s now debate on whether he’s their no. 1 receiver. Randy Moss, Bitch Porter, Ron Curry and Alvis Whitted have all the skills to pay the bills, and obviously other teams’ as well (ahem, New England). While it’s up in the air (heh) what Mancrush Art Shell will do with Porter, there’s no doubt that Aaron Brooks… (sound of record scratching). Um yeah, that’s the problem. It’s like having Dirk Diggler’s diggler, but looking like Grendel. My friend Keith, a Giants fan, laughed at me when I said Kerry Collins could be our savior. “Dumb as rocks, you’ll never win with him,” he said, but I thought having those WRs would be enough to overcome his lack of smarts and racist attitude towards life. But nope. Ugh. I now feel the same way about Brooks (minus the racism). If things start looking down, expect Neo-Ken Andrew Walter to come in and save the day. If that happens, Expect these numbers: Moss: 1500/18 TDs No. 2 Receiver: 1000/10 TDs No. 3 receiver: 800 yards/7 TDs. If Brooks plays the whole season? Either Oakland’s heading to the Super Bowl, or Al Davis is tempting the Black Hole to reenact Attica with the Houston special teams players (December 3rd!) as the hostages. As for the rest of the teams… KC’s and San Diego’s receivers suck (save Keenan McCardell and Eddie Kennison) and I just picked up Rod Smith on my fantasy team, so I hope he does well.

TIGHT ENDS
Let’s gloss over this one people, because, really, who cares? OK, fine. Similar to the RBs, two of the top three TEs ranked in FFB come out of the AFC West, Antiono “Can’t hit a jump shot” Gates and Tony “I went to Cal, so I must be smart” Gonzalez, who I support, regardless of his Chiefdom, because he’s Hispanic, and there are only so many of us in the league. Same with Anthony Munoz and Jim Plunkett, even though they’ve been retired 15+ years. ZZZZZ? Hey, what do you want from me? They’re tight ends. Hardly a glamour position, there are five good ones, and the rest are basically the same guy in different uniforms (again, like the old NES players). Their numbers are hardly distinguishable from one another, and the only time one out of the top four makes it to SportsCenter is because they make a stupid comment (“I’m a solider!”) or they’re crying at the draft table. Other than that, don’t pick any Oakland one because they run two-TEs sets, and they have barely enough plays to keep the other receivers happy and the Denver TE was recently diagnosed with food poisoning because he ate an Asian dish known as Creamofsomeyoungguy.

DEFENSES and KICKERS
Similar to the way you shouldn’t pick one of these until the last three rounds or so, I’m going to write even less about them combined than the TEs. Look, other than the Denver D, the other three suck balls. Don’t pick them. What do you expect from a division so loaded with offense, the NFC North? Kickers? Most are pretty good because they’re going to score a lot, or at least get close enough to kick a FG. See how I shortened field goal to write less about this than the TEs?

Damn.

NFC North Fantasy Preview: Did you Draft Any of These Losers?

2006-09-06T21:19:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the Week One NFC North Fantasy Preview. Chances are that if you are reading this, you are stupid. Why? Because you decided to draft players from the NFC North for your fantasy team. This is without a doubt the most uninspired division in football, and unless you are a fan of one of these teams or have some money riding on the outcome, there is no reason for you to pay attention to any of these teams. With that out of the way, let’s get to this week’s games.

Bret Favre and the Packers open the season at home against the Chicago Bears, the defending NFC North champs. The question isn’t whether Brett will break the all-time interception record this season; the question is whether he will do it in this game.

If your fantasy league gives you points for every pick thrown, then you should definitely start Favre this week. Otherwise, Id go with someone else at the QB spot. Especially over some overrated hick who allowed Strahan to replace Mark Gastineau in the record books. Screw that. There's an asterisk on that sack record so big it would fit between the gap in Strahan's front teeth.

Not all of Favre’s passes, however, will be caught by the Bears. Since the law of averages dictate that some of his throws will ultimately wind up in the hands of a Packer, you should consider putting receiver Donald Driver in your lineup.

The running game used to be a real strength in Green Bay, with Ahman Green and Najeh “Dookie” Davenport leading the way. Unfortunately for Packer fans, the running game is now a huge question mark. Last week the Packers pinched a loaf, so to speak, and cut Davenport from the team. Although Green remains and has played at a high level in the past, until he can show that he’s all the way back from injury you should probably keep him on the bench.

Lovie Smith obviously learned a lot from his time in Tampa Bay under Tony Dungy. If you have the Bears D then you should be salivating like Paris Hilton at the NFL scouting combine at the thought of them playing the Pack.

Along with building a solid defense, Smith has also copied his mentor by pairing it with a dreadful offense. You have to admire Smith’s ability to ignore objective criteria and go with Rex Grossman over Brian Griese. My advice? Neither should be on your fantasy team unless, perhaps, you happen to be the token girl in your league and drafted one of them because you don't know any better.

As for the running game, the Bears appear to be content with splitting carries between Thomas Jones and second year a-hole Cedric Benson. Until it is clear who is going to be getting most of the carries, you probably shouldn't insert either into your fantasy lineup.

Kudos to Matt Millen, who somehow managed to make the Lions worse than anyone thought possible. Hoping to turn things around are new Head Coach Rod Marinelli and autistic offensive coordinator Mike Martz. They will have their work cut out for them as they open against the Seattle Seahawks. Apparently, Marinelli is a real task master as evidenced by his ban on all water pipes inside the Lions’ practice facility. Needless to say, Charles Rodgers has been cut from the team.

The Lions do, however, have some decent players at the skill positions. Jon Kitna is a serviceable quarterback. Much like that heavy chick who serves as your late Saturday night booty call, he will do in a pinch. Kevin Jones and Roy Williams also look to get their fair share of work in Martz’s offense. It also may be worth your time to pick up Mike Williams, if only for the cheap thrill you will get in immediately cutting such high priced trash from your roster.

Finally, the Minnesota Vikings head to DC to play the Washington Redskins and then, after the game, fuck anything that moves. In a bit of a role reversal this season, the Vikings' defense appears to be in better shape than the offense. On defense the Vikings have young and hungry players like Erasmus James and Kenichi Udeze. No one, however, has more of an appetite than Bryant McKinnie, who apparently likes to slurp up stripper bush in spite of the obvious health risks.

Along with Fred Smoot and Dwight Smith, the Vikings clearly have the sexual deviant position filled. As for the offense, some people are high on Chester Taylor. Not me, however. I think he sucks. The Vikings wideouts are also pretty shitty, leaving QB Brad Johnson little to work with.

Well there you have it. Good luck, and see you next week.

Week 1 AFC East Preview (Complete with Nostalgia and Non-Analysis!)

2006-09-06T19:26:00.000-04:00

There once was a year in NFL lore when the AFC East was the second-best division in football. Maybe their records didn’t reflect it, but that was largely a product of them beating themselves up.


Team          Record       vs. Div       
Jets          9-7             4-2
Patriots      9-7             4-2
Dolphins      9-7             2-4
Bills         8-8             2-4

And they would have been the best if not for the AFC West, headed up by Oakland and their 11-5 mark. It was quite the year nonetheless, with the Jets discovering Chad Pennington and making the most of him before his unfortunate bout with leprosy. And the division came down to the season’s final week, when the Patriots knocked off the Dolphins, which paved the way for the Jets victory over Green Bay en route to the AFC East title. Had the Dolphins hung on to win that game, they would have won the East before the Jets game had even begun.

But I digress. We’re not here to talk about 2002; we’re here to talk about 2006, or as I like to call it, the year the AFC East totally sucked. And trust me, it could suck a ton worse if Daunte Culpepper plays like v2005 instead of v2004. The spoils fall to the Patriots, who should – sans a monumental failure on their part – have four automatic wins to start the season, courtesy of the Jets and Bills. And you can tack on two more if Joey Harrington ends up taking snaps in Miami.

So what we have is a clusterfuck of ineptitude, which will make my job as the AFC East previewer that much easier. Onward! To the picks!

Dolphins (+4) over Steelers

I’m surely the 100,000th football fan to pick the Dolphins and make the obligatory “Charlie Batch” comment. But just because 100,001 people have said it doesn’t make it any less true.

Titans (-3) over Jets

If the Titans manage to kick a field goal, they’ll win. It’s that simple. I totally expect the Jets offense to score under 100 points this year, and over half of those could come when they play the Texans later in the season.

Patriots (-8.5) over Bills

You could probably put the line as high as 13 and I’d still pick the Patriots. In fact, I’d pick the Pats over every team in the East every single time they play. That is, unless the Dolphins prove to be a juggernaut. And at that point, I’d merely take a closer look at the game before choosing in favor of the Pats.

And, for my non-East non-analysis:

Texans (don’t even bother with the points) over Eagles

Because I HATE THE FUCKIN’ EAGLES – and I’m not even making a Big Lebowski reference.

Tin Arm Anagrammatica's Matchup Of The Week

2006-09-06T19:11:00.000-04:00

What better way to begin the season than with a great match-up this Thursday?

Even though Girl, there's no beer, B, is out for at least the first week after an emergency appendectomy, and their #1 receiver, Shined Raw, is ailing, Pittsburgh is ready to defend it's title in the Chill Bower of Steel Town.

When asked about the replacement QB, the only answer reporters got was "Ach, real bitch, that one." No one knew how Sean Connery got into the clubhouse, and he was soon removed from the premises.

But despite the lack of confidence at QB, Pittsburgh still boasts tons of versatility in its offensive playbook, as well as several players who will strike fear into the hearts of the opposition.

Pittsburgh's bruising second-year tight end, when asked about the team's reputation, simply responded "I ram the hell out of whoever gets in my way." Their young running back reinforced the moment by presenting a united front, saying "when it comes down to the wire, rape, kill, that's the way we play."

What weakness does the reigning champ have? As a matter of fact, the organization is a bit concerned with their rookie class.

Issues of maturity have surfaced, especially regarding rookie receiver Smoot'n in A-holes. The speedy receiver certainly has talent, considering his pedigree, but with his commitment to his night life and his womanizing rather than practice, expectations must be tempered, at least for this year.

The defense looks to be a strength though, with star guard Canaan Leaf returning, not to mention linebacker Romer J. Safari.

Wild haired Pam, You A Troll is always a threat to blitz, and will likely be responsible for several spectacular interceptions over the course of the year.

So while the team enters the season with its head held high, they are certainly not invulnerable. The Miami Dolphins look to exploit whatever weaknesses they can find.

The Dolphins have undergone key changes, especially at quarterback.

Starting quarterback Tupac P., Nude Leper, will look to make an impression early. After struggling early and dealing with a sex scandal, and then tearing multiple ligaments in his right knee last year, unless he loses a limb or three, there is nowhere to go but up for the veteran.

Support on the offensive side will come from receivers Crash Besmirch and Tom, Yak Rober. On a high note, Tom reported to camp in the best shape of his life, having spent the entire offseason in Upper Mongolia dressing his favorite long-haired bovines.

Cyclin' Ad Hammer provides steady hands at tight end for a good short range target, and will also serve as a buffer again the pass rush.

And running back Winner R. Noob might be untested, but he showed flashes of brilliance last year, and may be a Pro Bowler before the year is out.

Miami must worry about its special teams and defense though. Kicker In Real Doom is solid, but observers have noted that there is simply something ominous about him.

Worse, cornerback All New Ill isn't getting any younger, and might not be worth the money the Dolphins are giving him. He's certainly not getting along with his new teammates, as some have complained about his presence in the locker room.

All told, we're looking at two playoff contenders for sure, and as such, we're in for an intense showdown. Even though the cold likely won't be a factor, the fans will be. The Wet Rioter Bells will be brandished in multitudes, and may in fact be major players in determining the outcome of this tilt. No one likes damp hooligans, after all, and the sound of a few thousand of them being summoned to the stadium must ring like the brassy knell of doom to any opposing team.

Dick Butkus's Clicks to Pick : Week 1

2006-09-06T16:14:00.000-04:00

Hey kids, you might know me, if you don't I'm Dick Butkus, Hall of Fame Linebacker for the Chicago Bears and alumni of University of Illinois Fightin Illini. Hell I was so good in my day that they named the best college linebacker award after me...or some award, I really don't know.

Anyways, each week I'll be looking at who I like in the fantasy game this coming week and who I think will suck.

Quarterback
Clicks:
The Pretty Boy in New England at home versus a crappy Buffalo defense versus the pass and that bald guy who quartbacks the Seahawks, yeah the one who's brother is nailin' that girl on The View hasselend...no... that's it hasselbeck. He's playing Detroit who will be laying down like Holley Mangold with black guys this year.

Losers: Brett Favre should keep taking the vicodin versus the bears this weekend, and I don't like Michael Vick versus the Panthers at all.

Running Backs:
Click: Shaun Alexander versus the Lions, this one is a no brainer, cause the man is a stud and Detroit is awful. Look for LaDanian Tomlinson also to have a big day versus Oakland who let him rush for 140 yards in their meeting last year with a tuddy.

Losers: The running back by committee in Houston, I bet Reggie Bush is looking like well me right now to you guys huh....and Clinton Portis coming back from the injury doesn't look good versus Minnesota.

Wide Receivers:
Click:Any Buzzsaw receiver versus San Fransisco, personally I like Larry Fitzgerald, I wish I could have dreadlocks like his. Torry Holt versus Denver should be a nice matchup as well.

Losers: Roy Williams in detroit, versus Seattle, and Chad "Grillz" Johnson versus Kansas City doesn't look great as well

Tight ends and kickers: Screw them, they are random variables in the equation that is life. No tight end today could hold up Ditka's underpants.

Defense: Easy take Chicago versus Green Bay and Seattle versus Detroit

and remember kids, if you don't like my picks....I'll kick your ass!

NFC West Week 1 Preview... with tunes.

2006-09-06T13:55:00.000-04:00

Let's test this out. I'm going to post short and sweet NFC West previews, and songs that are vaguely related. This week's picks are a bit rushed, expect better quality as time goes on, especially when there are divisional matchups.

Denver over St. Louis. Jake and co. shouldn't have much trouble rolling the Rams as long as they have their running game figured out. Speaking of running game, Stephen Jackson should bring the fantasy points.

Suggested listening: DangerDoom - Old School. Jake's porn stache is old school. Perfect excuse to throw this jam in.

Seattle over Detroit. Tim the Tool Man Taylor weeps, Wilson gives him advice from the other side of the fence, and Al's mom kicks it in a shitty diner. Shaun Alexander rushes for 50 touchdowns and dies of exhaustion.

Suggested listening: Gil Scott-Heron - We Almost Lost Detroit. This should chill you out and dissuade you from setting things on fire when the Lions lose.

Bonus Round! Divisional Matchup!

Arizona over San Francisco. Both teams sucked last year. Both teams are going to be better this year. The difference is that San Fran is shooting for the .500 mark, and the buzzsaw is going to be shooting for a coveted playoff spot. This should, however, be the closest of the bunch.

Suggested listening: McLusky - To Hell With Good Intentions. You know that someone slipped Matt Leinart this song in college and he pretends to like it. It totally pumps him up to not do Paris Hilton, or get chicks pregnant... maybe it even works with football! Wait, the Cardinals have another QB? I certainly hadn't heard of that.

p.s. If you haven't already seen it, avoid the new Lindsay Lohan picture circulating the internet at all costs. If you have, I share my condolences.

The Bukkake Chronicles, Chapter 3

2006-09-06T13:19:00.000-04:00

Derrick Mason growls as Kevan Barlow passes his locker. Knowing it's nothing personal, Barlow continues on his way. This behavior isn't a rarity in the Bukkake Squad locker room; Mason hasn't spoken a word since practices began two weeks ago. No one on the team, not even Coach Stalin knows why Derrick speaks in growls rather than words and sentences. And because no one has previously played with Derrick, it is unknown whether this is normal behavior for the wide receiver. Since nothing malicious ever arises, no one asks questions. It's tough to imagine how this situation will change if Mason fails to deliver during the season.

With only a smattering of players still left, Coach Stalin pops his head in the door. “Derrick, I think we need to discuss a few matters. My office, please?”

Mason replies with a snarl as he tosses a few more items into his duffel bag before heading into the coach's office. “Who's afraid of a small black man?” asks Alge Crumpler as Mason passes his locker. Seemingly infuriated, Mason drops his bag and stands chest-to-chest with the 6'2” tight end. Though, chest-to-chest may not be the best description, since the tight end is giving four inches to the wide receiver; it's more like chest-to-abdomen. Mason growls violently, but is met with only a palm to the face by Crumpler.

“Coach wanted to see you, so go see him. And jeezus, wouldja quit that growlin? You sound like you got that thing that Flutie and Boomer's kids got.”

Either not understanding or not much caring for Crumpler's insensitive Autism quip, Mason continues his growling down the hallway and into Coach Stalin's office. A cigar hangs from the coach's lips as he reclines with his feet propped up on his desk. Mason stands at the door for a moment, his growling subsiding in the presence of the man who will determine if he plays or not. “Have a seat, Derrick,” begins Stalin. Of course, the wide receiver obliges.

“Derrick, I've noticed that you're not fitting in well with the other players on this team. Now, I'm not going to shove some 'we play as a team' bullshit down your throat. You heard it back in high school and have already figured out it is a pile of shit. However, your situation is kind of unique, wouldn't you say?”

Mason responds with a less intimidating growl, but a growl nonetheless.

“See, this is what I'm talking about, Derrick. I asked you a transitional question, and you growled at it. Just like you growled at Peyton after you dropped a ball fed to your chest. Just like you growled at Kevan when he passed you earlier today”

The aggression is completely removed from Mason, but he still fails to speak actual words. Instead, he retorts in growls, his inflection varying as if it's his native language.

“Look, if you're going to continue to act like this, I have no choice but to,”

“Wait!” screams backup TE Doug Jolley (who, by all means, is lucky as fuck to still have a damn job). “I think I can be of service.”

“What, you can get him to open his mouth and articulate thoughts?”

“No, but I can come close.” And with that, Jolley begins speaking to Mason in his own form of growls.

“God, I feel like I'm simultaneously watching two episodes of Home Improvement.”

“Coach, Derrick apologizes for the growling,” says Jolley. “It's part of this condition he has. Apparently it's common for receivers who play for Kyle Boller.”

Mason lets out a growl with the inflection of, “uh huh.” Or “damn straight.” Or “fuck yeah.” Or, basically, anything that implies that Kyle Boller is an inept quarterback whose throwing skills are more suited for hustling than playing professional football.

“Well, then, hopefully Peyton can remedy that situation,” says Stalin. “Now someone find me the Moss brothers. I could use a toke.”

As if he willed it to happen, Sinorice sprints to the coach's door, panting. “Coach, coach! Something's happened on the field.”

“What is it, boy?”

“I think Vanderjagt just broke Peyton's leg!”

Dun dun dun.

The Bukkake Chronicles
Scene 1
Day 2

The Travis Bickle Forecast-- Week One

2006-09-04T18:02:00.000-04:00

Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.

As you can probably tell, I’m really pumped up about this year’s NFL season. Along with pornography and stockpiling weapons, one of my favorite pastimes is NFL football. If, like me, you put down the occasional wager then this column is for you.

Chances are that your bookie, like mine, is a filthy, degenerate scumbag. He preys on people and, in a just world, would be slaughtered without mercy and then strung up for the world to see. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to win big on Sunday and then collect from my guy on Monday.

I still look back and smile when I think about that week last season I went 8 and 0. About the only time I was happier was when I shot and killed that lowlife pimp Sport and his cohorts a few years back. Seeing Sport’s expression when I shot him in the stomach gave me a feeling of bliss which I cannot put into words.

Sitting alone in my one room studio apartment in this sewer of a city, I’ve had some time to think about the NFL and the upcoming season. Now its true that between driving a cab 12 hours a day and stalking various ex-girlfriends and politicians that I don’t have as much time as I would like to study all of the games. But stick with a few simple principles and I think you will end up ahead. And if we are both lucky your bookie will feel a lot like this guy come Monday.

Rule #1-Determination is Everything. When I focus my attention on an enemy or a cause, I will not be stopped until they are all dead and/or my goal is accomplished. Like when I met that 12 year old hooker Iris. Now clearly a girl that young should not have been working these disgusting streets for the sleazy pimp Sport. Since no one would do anything about it, I took matters into my own hands. And guess what? Iris is now back at home where she belongs and Sport is where he belongs-- underground with worms eating his rotting corpse. What’s my point? That there are times when sheer determination can carry the day versus a seemingly superior opponent. I see that same steely determination in Dolphins' coach Nick Saban this season and, frankly, I don‘t see it in the Steelers who are due for a Super Bowl letdown. With that in mind I’ll be taking Miami against the the defending champs in the season opener.

Rule #2- Preparation is Half the Battle. Sure, you might not like Senator Palantine. And killing him may well impress that girl who keeps rebuffing your advances. But how are you actually going to do it? Do you have the firepower to take him out? That .22 you have? Please, don't make me laugh. You would be lucky to break the skin with that thing. Think I’m wrong? Go ask John Hinkley. And what if your gun jams? Will you have a knife taped to your boot, just in case? Do you even know where his next campaign stop is? Faced with these and other logistical barriers, most people give up as soon as they realize that the task at hand is simply too daunting.

A well prepared opponent, however, can accomplish almost anything. And no one prepares like the Patriots and Bill Belichick. He has a single mindedness second to none. Lay the points this week and take the Pats against the Bills. Thank me later.

Rule #3 Don’t be Betrayed by a Pretty New Face. Yeah I know that new girl in the personnel department is cute. She looks like an absolute angel. And you probably think she’s not like the others. Wrong. She is. And she will crush your soul the first chance she gets. They’re all the same. Do not get sucked into this trap, whatever you do.

What does that have to do with football, you ask? Look at the Arizona Cardinals this season and all the good press they are getting. Sure, they look good on paper. Great wide receivers, a new running back and a hot shot backup waiting in the wings when God abandons Warner and he eventually stumbles. Its all crap and I’m not buying it. Not for one second. And I don’t care if they are playing Frisco to open the season. Take the 8 points and get ready for some easy money.

Well, those are my picks this week. Good luck, and don’t forget to get organiz-ized!

Sincerely,

Travis.

The Big Game-Peyton's Side

2006-09-04T14:24:00.000-04:00

September 4th, 2006 11am
Archie and Olivia Manning's residence

*telephone rings to The Saints Come Marching In*

Olivia: Hello?

Peyton Manning: Hey mom, I was wondering if dad was home?

Olivia: Yeah let me get him, Peyton, I know its football season and all, but when are you going to find a nice girl to marry?

Peyton: Mom, come on, do I have to go over this with you again, I don't date during football season

Olivia: You never date though Peyton, Indianapolis is a nice town, you can meet a nice girl there, maybe one who was homecoming queen like me.

Peyton: Mom, come on please stop nagging me about this, I really need to concentrate on the upcoming season especially the first game.

Olivia: Yeah, your father and I are going to go to the game, I hate going to new jersey though it smells of factories and old people.

Archie: Peyton, is that you, Olivia hang up the phone, I got it

Olivia: I love you peyton-weyton

Peyton: I love you too mommy....

Archie: So Peyton, how do you feel about the first game of the season versus Eli?

Peyton: I think we'll do well, Eli is such a good quarterback, but Dwight Freeney is the best DE in all of football right now, we'll do a great job of containing him using some cover 2. Plus, the Giants defense secondary isn't that good.

Archie: Now Peyton, remember what happened last time you thought you had a game won before you played it, I believe they won the super bowl last year.

Peyton sits in silence for 20 seconds

Peyton: Now dad, I won 14 games last year, did you ever come close to winning that many games. Dad, I believe you were on your back more than a Brynn Cameron was for Matt Leinart at USC.

Archie: Peyton Williams Manning, I never EVER had the amount of talent you had on any of your teams, you had a great team at University of Tennessee, but you couldn't beat Florida in three tries....hell Tee Martin took that team to the national championship the very next year. I basically had a the current University of Colorado team blocking for me in new orleans. You have all that talent around you, and you still choke like Mama Cass on a ham sandwich.

Peyton: Fine dad, I will talk to you after the game and please if you are coming though, do NOT wear a half-giants, half-colts jersey like Laura Quinn did in last years Fiesta Bowl it looked really bad. Have mom wear Elisha's jersey since she likes him better and you can wear mine.

Archie: I was just gonna wear your old Tennessee jersey to remind you not to choke in front of your brother.

Peyton: Whatever I'll talk to you later. Love you dad

Archie: Bye son, love you, and son....

Peyton: Yeah dad....

Archie: Have you found yourself a nice girl yet....I mean come on look at your mother, she was homecoming queen...

The line goes dead

Haikus are Hai-cool!

2006-08-30T22:43:00.000-04:00

In honor of the week that was in Deadspin, and feeling true inspiration, I penned this round-by-round mecha-haiku which I call "The Birth of the Drowning Mice". I hope you enjoy it.

First some not-so-quick background - when Commissioner Ricks proposed releasing the draft selection order 2 by 2 "to add some fun and suspense" to the league, I was all for it. I figured I'd pop in every so often to read the latest updates, laugh at a couple jokes that were made on the boards and go back to my merry little day at work. Sounds like a plan, right? Wrong. Once the first set was released - picks 8 and 9 - and I wasn't one of them, I became obsessed. All work ceased. I needed to know my pick - and it had to be good. Suddenly, this was the most important thing in my world. That's right, getting a high draft pick in a fantasy football league full of a bunch of guys who I only know from their sarcastic one-liners in the comments section of a blog that we all enjoy reading (and by know, I mean I could be taking the train with all of them every morning and wouldn't even know it) became my number 1 priority for those few hours as the picks came out. They kept coming, but no sign of the Drowning Mice. Back and forth went my certainty that I was getting the top pick and certainty that I was going to end up with Dom Davis as my top RB, until the Commish made that final announcement... the Drowning Mice will be selecting first overall. I was genuinely excited! Why? I'm not quite sure. It took only 2 minutes for the sobering reality of a 16 team draft to sink in and for me to realize my 2nd best player will be the 32nd overall pick in the draft. Add to that the realization that I was going to make the tough decision between LJ, LT and the Madden curse, and my unneccessary anxiety increased even more. I now knew how the Texans felt - sometimes you just don't want to make the decision. Sometimes you want the decision made for you. I thought: is it possible to trade draft picks in a fantasy league? I envied that #3 pick now. I also envied my officemate for leaving work at that moment, because I still had about 4 hours of work piled up in front of me for spending all afternoon on a Yahoo! message board. This was going to be fun...

Further background - draft day was looming and I was realizing that my most important decision of the night was going to happen long before the magic Yahoo! room appeared on the screen. I had a major conflict. I had to make a decision that has plagued sports geeks since the dawn of time. Fantasy sports or reality sports? I play hockey - and its one of the top 3 most important things in my life right behind ice cream and chicken breast...oh wait, that was my grocery list -it's right behind family and Mrs. Handsomeface. My team had a game that night, so I went with the obvious decision of reality over fantasy. I couldn't let the Awesom-o Yahoo! robot autopick my team for me though, so I came up with a plan. I was going to bring my cell phone on the bench with me and call in my picks to one of my friends who was going to do the drafting for me. If I didn't get a pick in to him, no big deal - I'll let him use his football knowledge and make an educated pick for me. Too bad all my football-knowledgable friends couldn't help me out that night. I had to call on the girlfriend to do the drafting. The one that thinks fantasy football is what is played on pay per view at halftime of the Super Bowl. The one that would probably take Tom Brady first overall because she's read about him in People magazine. This was not going to be easy or fun, but anything's better than Awesom-o making my picks, so I asked her. She surprisingly said yes, foregoing a night of solid Grey's Anatomy watching so she could sit in front of the computer and wait for my phone calls. She was a trooper for that. Too bad she couldn't keep up with the speed and ferocity of the picks as they flew off the board (I think the chat option threw her off a bit) and could not write down who was off the board. So, there I was, out of breath & sweating in full gear, sitting on the bench with a phone pressed up to my ear cursing because she didn't know if Reggie Bush, Chad Johnson or any QBs had been taken yet. The clock was ticking and I had to resort to the good ole pre-draft rankings to make my picks. So my wonderfully elaborate plan ended up being nothing more than a human implementation of the Awesom-o autopicks. Hell, at least my hockey team won, cause I fear that the Drowning Mice might not do much of the same...

"The Birth of the Drowning Mice"

Round 1:
First pick is tough, but/the new grandmama it is/Please don't be a fluke

Round 2:
The second round sucks/when you have the sixteenth pick/but I'm a 'phins fan

Round 3:
Of starting RB's/Droughns is the best of what's left/Shit, who's my QB?

Round 4:
My fourth overall/every team needs a porn 'stache/Pray no I-N-Ts
Sweating on the phone/not because of hockey game/because Plummer sucks

Round 5:
"But wait" I shouted/Defense wins championships!/I say Hooray Bears!

Round 6:
Round 6, need tight end/All meastly tight ends taken/McNabb's guy will do

Round 7:
Wideout or kicker?/I have 1 Smith, why not 2?/Old legs fail me not

Round 8:
1 round later and/already don't like tight end/Take Brady's guy now

Round 9:
Last year's sleeper-bust/could be better this year with/no sex boat problems

Round 10:
Autopick kicks in/why is Brooks a good tenth pick?/I'll sell more jerseys

Round 11:
Kicker is needed/Carolina's big foot can/help to score some points

Round 12:
Should have stopped right here/Autopick is killing me/who is C.Jackson?

Round 13:
gotta love this pick/not because he'll be good, 'cause/I'll need roster room

Round 14:
yup, another waste/misters irrelevant suck/goodbye Detroit D

Post-Draft Thoughts:
The Mice are solid/Swim, stupid fuckin mouse, swim/to top of DAAAFFL*

(*= prounounced daf-ill)

Madden 07 and my draft recap

2006-08-30T17:18:00.000-04:00

Having only been a deadspin commentor for around three months, I have laughed more times in my quiet work setting than I would like to admit. Being back in graduate school, there is nothing better than procrastinating while reading and commenting on blogs. That being said I will now give a recap of my draft which I would like to call....Damn it I had the last freakin pick in the first round....

Pick one: Willis McGahee: I was pissed enough that I had the last pick in the draft, so I took a "sleeper", or as some people would like to call them guys who didn't perform worth a crap last year. 1 leinie's down....some more to go

Pick Two: Tom Brady or Mr. Moynahan as I like to call him: Since there were not any real great running backs still around I decided to get Mr. Dreamy himself as my ex-girlfriend once called him. I have no real opinion about Mr. I couldn't start at Michigan except he sucked on NCAA.

Pick Three: T. J. Houseisareallygreatshow: I needed a WR desperatly as the good ones were being taken and with Carson Palmer looking like superman to green bay's Robin the boy blunder last monday night I stole him practically. Beer #4 down the hatch since drafting takes a long time when you are on the end

Pick Four: Darrell "Action Packed" Jackson: Again another steal at WR....

Pick Five: Frank Gore: I really wanted Laurence Malroney....really bad...he killed Purdue in the past he's gonna be really good....but since Malroney was taken two picks before I settled for Frank Gore....eh....you win some you lose some, however, the 69ers looked pretty good against the bears maybe he'll do well this year. Beer #7, pizza slice #3....mmm chicago pizza....

Pick Six: Dallas Clark, I would of liked to get a better TE but if the mongoose has a good of a year as he always does maybe he'll find clark a little more often....

By this point of the draft I was feeling pretty good....I was drunk by this time my last picks include a couple of maybes, a quarterback almost as crappy as Kyle Orton, and the bear pick in Desmond "I really suck" Clark. I did take Alexander's backup or so I thought, I am looking for that Madden 07 curse to take affect in about week 4 with a broken spine. I feel I had a very good draft overall and if certain teams don't lay an egg I'll be competitive in the league.

For Madden 07....wow...Having not bought a madden game since madden 04, the game play is a ton better than the NCAA 2006, 2005, 2004..... My rule of thumb is never start a franchise in the first year of the game, I always simulate the first season. I choose the bears, cause well I'm a bears fan. They went 8-8. I went through free agency then and got a lot of good quality OL and Shaun Rogers the DT stud ( no one except LT has run particually well versus me yet). I then traded Thomas Jones for Todd Heap, so I could actually pass to a tight end that could catch the ball. I started off on All-Pro and have gone 12-0 so far with no one really good in my last 4 matchups. The passing game is just as it has been for a while, however the AI on the computer is getting smarter when it comes to down versus run or pass. I can not wait to take the bears to the promise land of a Super bowl championship, something that in real life will not happen probably in my lifetime due to stupid Chicago ownership.

The best quote I saw about fantasy football which doesn't apply to me
"Fantasy football, its like dungeons and dragons for the kids who used to beat up the kids who played dungeons and dragons"

Hangin' With Mr. Cooper

2006-08-30T15:25:00.000-04:00

Hey there. I look familiar? I’m Cooper Manning. No, I’m not the Manning that plays for the Colts. That’s my little brother, Peyton. No, I don’t play for the Giants either. That’s my other little brother, Eli. I’m Cooper. C-O-O-P-E-R. That’s right, Cooper. No, I won’t get you their fucking autographs. Wait, I’m sorry, yeah I probably could do that. I think I have some five by sevens at home. Glossies. Real nice. You want their phone numbers? I don’t know. Let me think about it.

What happened to me? Oh, nothing. Some disease. Yeah, I would have been awesome. It’s cool now, though. I sell insurance. Which is interesting, because we have this great new policy that I think would be perfect for you. Eli and Peyton just bought one. Archie too.

Peyton? Yeah, he’s pretty good, I guess. I was actually a better athlete. Seriously. I carried his ass in high school. Not to brag, but when we were kids I used to kick Peyton’s ass all the time. I used to tea bag that little shit, give him dutch ovens, whatever. Know what else? He was a choker even back then. There was this other kid down the street Peyton could never beat. Monopoly, basketball, Madden, whatever. I swear that kid looked just like Tom Brady. I think his name was Billy.

All that pre-snap stuff Peyton does? My idea. Yeah, he totally copied that shit from me. Too bad you can’t copyright stuff like that. Not that I’m looking for credit. And Eli? Don’t get me started on that wuss. Every time we picked teams, he just had to be on Dad’s team or he’d pitch a fit. Fucking crybaby. Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love Eli. He and Peyton are gonna help me open a new restaurant. Sort of like “Shula’s”--but way classier.

Know what? I used to get more trim than Eli and Peyton combined. No shit. They were always playing football. 24-7. Not me. And I never had a problem coming through in the clutch, if you know what I mean.

You gotta go? You sure? Wait. Ever hear of the Manning Passing Academy? Of course I fucking work there! Who do you think catches the balls thrown by those punk kids? Not Eli. And certainly not Peyton. No sir. Not the greatest QB who ever lived. No way. Are you kidding?! Little brother might bruise his hand or shoulder. Can’t have that. “Where’s Peyton? Where’s Eli?” That’s all I hear from those kids. It’s the MANNING Passing Academy you little a-holes. Peyton and Eli won’t be here until Sunday. And no, you don’t get a god damn refund. Read the brochure. Now stop whining and hit me, I’m going deep.

Ok, well nice talking to you. Here’s my card.

Shit Talk: On the Road Edition

2006-08-30T10:38:00.000-04:00

On Monday night I ventured across the street to the White Horse Tavern for their excellent $4 burger special, and to take in the somewhat relevant MNF game. A gentleman next to me was on his laptop, preparing to do his fantasy draft. First, I heard him spout off that he had the last pick out of ten in the league, and that this meant the league was already a loss (considering that Peyton Manning got taken at the third pick over SHAUN ALEXANDER in that run-heavy-scoring league, I'm pretty sure he has a fighting chance against those morons). Second, he waved around his "big board around".

It was hardly a big board, it was more like a list of who Yahoo pre-ranked at each of his first 10 picks. And he apparently didn't do the math right. Somehow he throught he had 2 picks out of every 11 picks.

I ended up being recruited as a sort of draft buddy, as my curiosity at his pick and rankings made me a good candidate for this. With his first pick he stuck to his board, taking Steve Smith and completely ignoring Stephen Jackson who fell to the 12th overall pick in that neanderthal league, among way too many other steals to mention.

He must have done his pre-draft homework while he was shitfaced watching the Pats game Saturday. It was time to put the fear of god in him. We at the DTAAAFL were quality shit-talkers in the draft room; we made up fake injuries, falsely claimed we had players tank on us last year, and applauded horrifyingly bad picks to hopefully boost confidence enough to make another risky pick. Sometimes you've got to take it on the road.

"Who's going to be the big QB this year?"
"Kurt Warner, brah. The buzzsaw is gonna kill it this year."

I started it off politely. This was decent advice as Anquan Boldin was on the market for some god-forsaken reason. He takes Tony Gonzalez. I nearly had kittens. This night can only get better.

He casually asks who's overrated this year. I spout off that it's Tiki Barber, and that Little Manning is going to have to carry the team. Without a blink he takes little Manning with the 3 pick. Not terrible at this point, but Palmer, Brady, and Hasslebeck may find themselves having more success (especially Palmer after the MNF fireworks show).

At this point an earlier discussion of Chad Johnson comes back up. I was setting up a possible future booched pick by saying that Johnson will definitely spend serious time suspended for celebrating. All I am asked is "so if Johnson isn't playing, who's Palmer's open option?" Wham, he takes T.J. "Who'sYaMamma" as Chad so eloquently put it. Sprinkled throughout the rest of the teams making picks, I shit talked them with the usual fake injuries and fake news items... all of which the table agreed with.

"Defense gets you so many points, I don't know why people draft backup wideouts before your number 2 source of points". At no specific suggestion of my own at all, he takes "THA' D"... Baltimore Ravens. At no point until now did I actually suggest a player. Even specifically giving bad advice I had to note that he was 5 rounds deep with NO RUNNING BACK. At this point I make my only direct suggestion. "If LJ gets hurt, Priest Holmes could pull off the reverse of last year". When he woke up in the morning and saw that Holmes is on the physically unable to perform list, he likely felt like he got punched in the balls. I'm probably going to hell for that. It was time to go, I didn't feel like buying more than one beer when I had a few in the fridge at home.

Am I a douchebag? Probably. Is he a bigger douchebag? Certainly. If anyone came up to me during my draft and offered me advice, I'd be spouting out "get the hell away from me" faster than a public masturbator says it to a creepy investigative reporter.

This is how we roll

2006-08-29T21:59:00.000-04:00

I am used to losing. That isn't to say I am by default a loser in most aspects of life. Quite the contrary, actually: I'm devastatingly handsome, I have a tattoo so striking you'll go blind if you look directly at it, my bank account is swollen and I'm an absolute rock star at my day job. Oh, and I find the nightlife to be so filled with lovely ladies the entire pursuit is beginning to bore me. Do you have difficulty getting laid? I can't relate; I'm getting laid right now, as I write.

At this point, you're probably wondering two things: (1) is this guy serious? and (2) if he's such a stallion, how in the world can he be used to losing? The first question should be obvious, the second I'll tackle right now: I'm used to losing because I've played so many sports. Played soccer, hockey, basketball and golf throughout my youth, played baseball through college. And no matter how amazing one is at sports -- and I am undeniably amazing, seriously, you really should come see me sometime -- you just get used to losing. You have to.

My point is this: I have devised the ideal method to losing with grace. It's a bit risky, but also a strategy that's been working for me throughout my charmed life.

Act like you didn't care to begin with. It's really the only way. Once you see the game starting to slip from your hands, start half-assing it in a way that says to your opponent, "yes, I know I'm going to lose this contest, but frankly I couldn't care less. You feel like winning? Go ahead. Let's just get this over with, for I have better things to do." By employing such a strategy you always save face, maintain your pride, keep your chin up. Aren't I a genius?

In that spirit, I don't think I am going to do very well in this fantasy football league. More importantly: I do not care. Ha. Beat me all you want, I wasn't invested in the first place. And you know who the real loser is here? The one who cares. Win or lose, I am still a better person than you.

A list of my excuses this season:

1. Rudi Johnson (my first overall pick) kept getting glare from Chad Johnson's teeth bouncing off the stadium lights to break any tackles.

2. Dominick Davis (second round selection) was just too .... (series of mumbles as writer attempts to make excuses through a jag of blubbery tears while simultaneously blaming the tears on allergy season).

3. I will of course blame Bledsoe's bed-shitting on Terrell Owens. After all, if ESPN has taught us anything, it's that T.O. is to blame for most things gone wrong in the world. Other things for which Owens can be blamed: Asian bird flu, bees at picnics, flat tires, the popularity of Foreigner, wind, Bill O'Reilly and the cancellation of My So-Called Life.

4. My roommate convinced me to draft Muhsin Muhammed over Darrell Jackson. He was flipping through my draft magazine and, when I told him who I was going to select, commented, "no, don't do that. Muhammed is listed way higher than Jackson." Trusting the mag, I chose Muhsin, only to have my roommate say mere seconds afterwards, "oh no, wait, I read that wrong, take Jackson he's listed way higher sorry dude my bad it's not too late is it?" Too late to change my pick, yes. Too late to bang my head on keyboard, why no, it's not too late a'tall.

So there you go. You asked for my thoughts on my team, there you have it. I am setting the bar so goddamn low my boys can't possibly disappoint me. I will operate this team as I operate my life: if things are going right, I'm jumping with glee. If things are going wrong, I don't give a shit.

-- Kooby Pickett, owner of team Lick My Love Pump

The Bad News Bears

2006-08-29T14:59:00.000-04:00

Consider this to be a post about who your should take in your other draft, because I've got the goods.

QB D. McNabb
WR A. Boldin
WR A. Toomer
RB C. Williams
TE M. Lewis
W/R D. Foster
BN L. Maroney
BN Mi. Vick
BN V. Young
BN A. Chatman
K J. Brown
DEF Indianapolis

Two words, Donte fucking Stallworth. McNabb has the option that he's needed ever since TO stopped playing football and started his Paris Hilton impression. He can really turn on the jets, and should be a very viable option for a wideout that was certainly in need.

Boldin could be this year's Steve Smith. Look for Edgerin James to get clock burning and goal line gigs, but Boldin should be snagging the big tosses for yardage and points.

Amani "It's Not a" Toomer will benefit from a maturing Little Manning and less carries for an overworked Tiki Barber.

Caddilac is going to have a breakout year. He'd going to be counted on for ground yardage, red zone touches, and could be a top option for short passes. Everything I read about this team is about how Carnell will be carrying the Bucs on his back this year.

Marcedes Lewis is pretty much untested, but could be a pleasant surprise if the Jags passing game comes up big.

Steve Smith is going to be quintuple covered this season. Well, not that bad, but he's going to have a lot more hands in his face. Foster will have to step it up.

The Seahawks are not going to be the same team as last year. Alexander is not going to get as many TD's. Josh Brown has a chance to be this year's Neil Rackers - the golden toed K on a team who can certainly drive, but not seal the deal.

Indy's D is still going to be stellar. The loss of Edge and the possiblity that the wide reciever core might not be as effective this year will make the Colts rely on their D more. They will step it up.

The bench - In the first two preseason games, 55 of Maroney's 65 yards were with after contact. Dillon's going to overexert himself and break whatever it is he's broken the last few years. Ron Mexico is a viable bye week option, and Vince Young will drag Kerry Collins' rotting corpse off the field and kick some ass at some point. And p.s., Antonio Chatman is going to be a kickoff return machine.

Summer's Eve and the D-Bags are going to be the spoilers of the DTAAAFL, and will roll suckas as the league dark horse. When your top-6 pick is out for the season, I'll be there waiting to grab your spot.

The Bukkake Chronicles, Day 2

2006-08-29T14:14:00.000-04:00

August 29, 2006

~~Dear Diary,~~
~~Dear Journal,~~

Yo,

I felt kind of gay when I started this journal. But then I remembered that I banged Paris Hilton not a few months back, and restored my manhood. So I guess I can continue doing this without any questions as to my sexuality. Yep. Straight as an arrow. That's me. Not one queer bone in my body. So if that butt pirate Doug Jolly tries to make a pass at me, I'll just say, “No! No, Doug. I'm a straight man. A big straight man. I don't want your throbbing cock. It's pussy all the way for me.” Yeah, that'll tell him.

It's kind of intimidating being the rookie ~~backup~~ third stringer, especially when Peyton Manning is in front of you. At least Sinorice has his brother to keep him company. All I have is this lousy journal. I bet I'd have more friends if I was the second string quarterback. Everyone respects the second stringer; just look at Joey Harrington.

But how? How can I beat out Griese? He's experienced, and his dad won a Super Bowl or something. How does a rookie beat out a veteran? I mean, I could always....

Yeah, that's it! This is the best idea ever! All I need is a plan. A plan so complex and devious, that even I won't be able to figure out what it means. If I can just gain Griese's trust, it will all work out.

Thanks, journal. You've made my current mission clear. I must kill Brian Griese. Bwahahahahahahah! Bwahahahahahaha!

Er, I guess I didn't need to type the maniacal laugh.

- M.L.

Fantasy, like real games, requires practice

2006-08-28T21:17:00.000-04:00

I just finished my third and final fantasy draft of the season, and it was a gem - Carson Palmer at QB, LT at RB, a solid receiving corps, a good defense and kicker, and a bench of young gambles, proven role players, and injury insurance. I feel great about it, and look forward to being able to humbly accept praise (and money) from my grad school friends come December.

Unfortunately, the draft for this league was my first draft of the year. So things didn't go so well. And instead of accolades, all I have to look forward to on this page is well-deserved mockery. Let's go to the tape:

Round 1: I have the #2 pick overall. Between LT and Shaun Alexander, I actually prefer LT this year - with Steve Hutchinson leaving the Hawks for the Vikes, I feel like the Hawks line won't be as good for Sweet Shaun as it has in the past, and LT is a better receiving back. Needless to say, Shaun will now repeat as MVP and LT will breakdown in Week 3. I don't want to cheer for the Madden curse, but ... I'm cheering for the Madden curse.

Round 2: Pick #31, and there is a LOT of talent off the board. I don't want to reach for a quarterback, and I don't like any of the RBs left on the board that early either. I settle for Hines Ward. I know he's solid and everything, but I feel lame taking him the 2nd. I immediately regret the decision. Milk was a bad choice.

Round 3: Pick #34, and suddenly, reaching for a QB doesn't seem so bad with 28 picks before my next selection. Hasselbeck's off the board, so I go for Little Manning. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? As someone would say afterwards, "The problem with Eli is that he has the Manning Face, but without the garbage time stats to use as rationalization." Ugh.

Round 4: Pick #63, or as I like to refer to it, "The Pick That Sealed My Fate." I want another WR, and I take Deion Branch. Immediately, the other guys kill me on the chat board. In honesty, I hadn't been following his contract negotations - I had no clue they were going so bad. To make matters worse, while everyone else in the draft is getting Vanderjagted, I have interviews starting at 9am and am thus limited to mainlining Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Things are not exactly coming up Eirishis.

Rounds 5-10: Still in a daze from my last two picks, I rattle off an impressive string of poor picks. Here they are, with the best smack heard afterwards, either in the draft chatroom or from friends the next day:

5) Keenan McCardell - "Already regretting the Branch pick, I see."
6) Pittsburgh Defense - "Someone's nervous he'll get no points on offense."
7) Mike Bell - "Ah, the Shanahan carousel - fantasy football's Tea Cups. Enjoy the ride."
8) Shayne Graham - silence. No one talks shit about kickers. Waste of breath.
9) Chris Brown - "Always good to have a walking ambulance at RB."
10) Santonio Holmes - "Apparently thinks Cincinnati drafted him, given the rap sheet."

Finally, at 11 (#162 overall), I strike gold, stealing a fucking soldier to start at TE. At least, the guys in the league said that was a steal. I'm a Browns fan. I know better. He'll get hurt again, and I'll be stuck with a man named Bubba at tight end. I don't feel much better about getting Brad Johnson as my backup QB in the 12th, seeing as how his top receiver apparently went to the same rehab program as the Hoff. Too bad Koren Robinson played football at N.C. State instead of basketball at Duke. I hear they are more OK with DUIs in Durham.

So, what have I learned? Like so many other things in life, practice makes perfect - I learned from my mistakes in this draft. This league is going to be a lot of fun - it's always great to play fantasy with guys who are as passionate about football (fantasy and reality) as I am, no matter where you finish. But the pleasure will be purely based on this blog and the chatter between players, 'cause the Blaine (MO) Players will be waiting for their big break for a long, long time.

The Bukkake Chronicles, Scene 1

2006-08-26T12:45:00.000-04:00

INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY

PEYTON MANNING, newly drafted quarterback for the Bukkake Squad, unpacks his belongings into a locker. The blue carpeted room is lined with 43 lockers, each labeled with the name of its inhabitant. They are all empty, save for that of Manning, who is soaking in the aural tones of Kenny Chesney’s “Summertime.”* The pleasant, soothing aroma of Glade Plug-Ins wafts through the room, evidence that the season hasn’t quite started yet.

After placing most of his garb into the locker, Manning removes one last item from his bag: a cardboard cylindrical tube. A posted is excised from the tube and hung up on the back wall of Manning’s locker.

MANNING
Channel the Brady. Don’t think about the pressure. WWBD. What Would Brady Do?

A tall character enters the room, looming over Manning’s shoulder.

MIKE VANDERJAGT
He would lead this team to the DTAAAFL Bowl title this year. Which is more than can be said for you, choke artist.

Manning does a quick 180.

MANNING
Well, I guess the GM thinks highly of kickers with low I.Q.s

VANDERJAGT
And QBs who crap the bed in the playoffs.

MANNING
Hey, listen to that. Our idiot kicker so conveniently forgets that he missed the game-tying field goal against the Steelers last year.

VANDERJAGT
What? Is there someone else in the room? Who are you talking to?

MANNING
A big fat idiot.

VANDERJAGT
I know you are, but what am I?

MANNING
A big fat idiot.

VANDERJAGT
I know you are, but what…

The faint sounds of a funky hip-hop beat can be heard approaching, gaining in volume by the second. The attentions of Manning and Vanderjagt are diverted to the door. As the perpetrators get closer, the words, "If your ho only know that she was getting’ fucked on the 7th floor," can be heard. And, to no one’s surprise at this point, the Brothers Moss strut into the room with a train of hos in tow.

MANNING
Hey! This is a players only locker room. Your, uh, friends can’t be here.

SANTANA MOSS
Chill, yo. We ain’t practicin’ yet. We just wanted these hos to see what we all about.

HO NO. 1
Did you just call us hos?

SANTANA
I meant it in a complimentary way.

HO NO. 1
Oh, okay.

SINORICE MOSS, after dropping his belongings at the foot of his locker, reaches into a bag and pulls out a small bong – which expands into quite a large bong.

VANDERJAGT
Oh, sweet! Retractable bong!

MANNING
What? You can’t do that in the locker room, either!

SINORICE
Well, I figure if I practice high, play the game high, I’ll score high points.

VANDERJAGT
I’m down with that.

SANTANA
Yeah, I’ll fucks wit ya.

MANNING
This is not the way this team will be run! Wait till coach gets here. He’ll clear things up.

Right on cue, ROCKIN JOE STALIN pops his head in the door.

ROCKIN JOE STALIN
What is that, a strain of Northern Lights?

SINORICE
Hell yeah, bro.

ROCKIN JOE
I’m definitely hittin’ that.

Sinorice lights the bong as Rockin Joe takes a mighty pull. Vanderjagt follows in tow.

VANDERJAGT
Wait, coach, aren’t you the guitarist in Tyrannosaurus Rox?

ROCKIN JOE
One and the same.

Santana takes a hit, and without offering one to the hos, the cypher starts again with Sinorice.

MANNING
Can I request a trade?

*Kenny Chesney sucks, and I had to look up a popular song of his that wasn't called, "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy," because, well, tractors aren't sexy at all. Unless you want a ho with gap teeth and varicose veins.

My Draft, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Pick Steven Jackson

2006-08-25T21:21:00.000-04:00

Face it- a monkey, or even Matt Millen, could pick from spots 1-3 in this year's fantasy draft and not screw it up. LJ, LDT and Alexander were no brainers and, predictably, went in that order in our draft. So that left me, Mary Beth's Box, with the best of the rest to choose from.

This first pick could very well make or break my team, so I needed to make the call before draft night- where, frankly, I might be too drunk to make a rational decision. Do I take Tiki Barber? No denying he put up fantastic numbers last season. The guy is very elusive and able to get through even the smallest hole, much like John Karr on a date with a 5 year old. Or do I draft Peyton Manning? Its not like his post-season statistics would be an issue. Through a process of elimination, I ultimately settled on Steven Jackson of the Rams.

As soon as the pick was made, others in the league began to question the selection. Taking Jackson certainly wasn't the safe decision, and maybe it wasn't even a smart one. And now, a few days later, I do have a a twinge of buyer's remorse. It would not be the first time I made a choice that I later regretted. Like the time I let this black kid at the Y borrow my Ipod. I'm still looking for that little shit. Anyway, sometimes you just gotta go with your gut and hope it works out. I think Denny Green said something like that after drafting Dimitrius Underwood.

Since this is a league that only requires one starting RB, I decided to fill the WR position next. It is important to note that last year I got fucked at this position in one of my 39 fantasy teams. Unless you survived the Holocaust or also drafted both Nate Burleson and Michael Clayton last season, I don't think you know what real suffering is all about. With my second round pick, I selected Reggie Wayne. Along with Plaxico Burress, I think I have a decent 1-2 punch at receiver.

Next up was quarterback- my strategy has always been to wait to draft the QB spot in the later rounds. The problem with this strategy is that you usually end up with a shitty QB. My starting QB? Byron Leftwich.

Although black, Byron Leftwich has the speed of a white, middle aged accountant. (Well known fact- in college Leftwich was once carried to the huddle by two of his offensive lineman. Lesser known fact- they carried him, not due to injury, but because the team was in its hurry up offense and it was actually faster to carry the fat Leftwich rather than have him walk to the huddle on his own.) Because Leftwich might not be the answer at QB, I needed a competent backup. Unable to find a competent backup, I was forced to take Phillip Rivers.

So there you have it. Let the games begin.

I'm A Selfish Bastard Who Only Writes About His Team

2006-08-25T16:02:00.000-04:00

Boredom is a terrible condition. It leads to activities such as wasting time reloading Deadspin and penning commentary on the Yankees (at The Sporting Brews -- someone can add that to the sidebar if they want). This fantasy football writing thingymabobber is a great cure for boredom, especially considering I'm on assignment for the next two weeks. I'm supposed to be writing a 2,500 word article on the new car models for 2007, but why the hell would I write about that when I can comment on a fictional football league that's based on a real football league?

I'd just like to say that it hurt to take Manning with the sixth pick, but I couldn't pass on him. I play in a league with my brother every year, and for the past three he's taken Manning and stomped everyone. I guess I'm just trying to channel the essence of his fantasy football greatness.

However, it does bother me that my running back situation – and, as a result, my season – hinges in a significant way on Reggie Bush playing his way into the starting lineup or Deuce McCallister falling victim to a misfortune (three misfortunes, that's possible; seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance; but nine separate misfortunes? Ha! I'd like to see that!).

And, if that wasn't bad enough, my two backup running backs aren't exactly fantasy pedigrees. Tatum Bell, as of the last time I read fantasy news, isn't technically the starter in Denver. Some guy named Mike Bell has won Coach Teflon's heart and has been spotted behind the best running scheme in the NFL. Or second best, depending on how you view the Chiefs. Anyway, the logic behind this pick is that Mike Shannahan intentionally fucked with fantasy players across the nation by naming M. Bell his starter so early. I'm not biting, Mike, not for a second. Not with Tatum Bell on the roster.

And the other backup is none other than Kevan Barlow, recently acquired by the Jets. The logic: uh, he's going to start, and the Jets offensive line isn't as inept as last year. I mean, add Holley Mangold in at guard, and you've got an offensive line so gargantuan that only a black man could penetrate it.

Basically, what I'm saying is that if anyone wants to trade me an upper tier running back for Matt Leinart, now is the time. Because when he breaks out and is racking up the fantasy points on my bench, he'll be a little costlier. In the form of, say, YOUR SOUL. Either that, or a running back and a receiver. Or a defense. I think I'm going with a rotating defense anyway (not much faith in the consistency of New England in the regular season), so yeah, Leinart for a running back now, Leinart for a running back and a defense when he breaks out. Seems like a steal now, huh?

What you just read was a jumble of inane blabber. But you know what? It's not any worse than what you'll read from the Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fantasy “experts.”

Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be used to prevent earthquakes.

2006-08-25T10:47:00.000-04:00

Here at Deadspin's AAA Affiliate, we do things a little differently. We're not into things like statistics or scouting reports. We don't care if someone's arm is off. It's only a flesh wound, after all. We just know that if Edgerrin James floats, he'll probably score us 18 points a week. Or he's a witch.

So on Wednesday, the 23rd of August, all the Bruces in the league got together and did a quick draft, with a minimum of fuss, much joviality, and of course, no poofters.

It's my pleasure, fellow Bruces, to analyze my draft for the merriment of all. In addition to being a Bruce, I'm also known as Bowdenx3 on Deadspin.

I went into the draft with three goals.

First, draft Stephen Jackson.

Second, spend my second and third picks on wide receivers.

Third, try to get a decent quarterback, at least one better than Kurt Warner.

Fourth . . .

I went into the draft with four goals.

First, draft Stephen Jackson.

Second, spend my second . . .

You get the point.

Things didn't really go quite as planned. It seems that no one expected to take Portis or Tiki in the top 5, and Jackson got snatched up with the fourth pick. This left me with Ronnie Brown, who I'm less confident about, but still comfortable with.

I took Terrell Owens with the 28th pick, and if Bill Parcells kisses TO's owie before Week 1 and makes the boo-boo go away, I think he'll be ok. And if he's playing, I think Owens with the 28th pick is a steal. Perhaps better, Roy Williams fell to me with the 37th pick. This was pretty much what I wanted to do with these two picks, and surprisingly, it went off well.

Taking Todd Heap in the fourth round was probably a bad idea. I was reacting to the previous 4 picks, which saw Crumpler, Witten and Shockey fly off the board. Worse, QBs were going like crazy, forcing me into taking Kurt Warner with my 5th pick.

Things settled in after that, with some interesting banter being exchanged about local beers, and I suspect, several Bruces partaking of said local beers.

I like most of my other picks - Ahman Green might be healthy, and Troy Williamson might make the most of his talent. Michael Jenkins might find gold if Ron Mexico finds consistency, and Chris Henry might not get arrested again.

I figure if two of the four pan out, I'll have done well.

Chris Simms makes a decent backup if Warner shits the bed, which I can't imagine will happen given his #1 and #2 receivers, but that just means it probably will.

I'm actually very happy with my kicker and defense. I took Washington a bit early, and they play in what might be a tough division, but I think they'll rise to the occasion. And Matt Stover, even though he's pretty mundane, should get plenty of opportunities with a better offense this year.

The other big moment of excitement came when Blaine (MO) Players stole Kellen Winslow in the 11th round or so. I had Heap, but I was looking for some insurance, and I think Winslow was a great sleeper pick, especially in round 11.

So I'm starting the following team of philosophers -

QB - Kurt Warner aka Georg Wilhelm Fredrich Hegel

RB - Ronnie Brown aka Schopenhauer

WR - Terrell Owens aka Socrates
WR - Roy Williams aka Plato

W/R - Ahman Green aka David Hume

TE - Todd Heap aka Wittgenstein

K - Matt Stover aka Maimonides

DEF - Washington aka The Pyrrhonian Skepticist Movement

I already know I'm going to enjoying playing in this league - we already have a trade in the works, and our Yahoo! Message Board has become so clunky and overloaded that we've opened up an ezBoard for a better discussion format.

What's more, my team (Mo Vaughn's Shiny Neon Ass), is matched up with Got the Ass in Week 1, which promises to be a duel of the most ass-tastic proportions. And of course, I can't wait until Mo Vaughn's Shiny Neon Ass goes up against Holly Mangold's Gash.

And since we've made trash talking mandatory, I'd like to leave you with the following image of what my team will be doing to yours.

For Those of You That Are Interested (all 16 of you)

2006-08-24T13:18:00.000-04:00

As was mentioned below, last night was DAAAFFL's first annual fantasy draft. The turnout was fantastic as expected, though personally, I blacked out after my third pick (which would explain why I woke up this morning with Charlie Frye, Priest Holmes and Curtis Martin on my team, but I digress). Too many Endurance Ale's followed by Budwesier (diesel) followed by Rolling Rock. It got ugly.

Anyhoo, I promised our loyal readers a draft review and a draft review they will get (an abbreviated one, I'll go over some picks I felt were important after the first few rounds). The first round and second round will include team names, after that it'll just be player names, because I am fucking lazy, and should probably be doing some real work instead. I might have a thing or two to say about the round, and the picks. If anyone has any recollection of what transpired in the chat, feel free to throw it in the comments. Here we go,

Round 1

1. Drowning Mice - Larry Johnson
2. Blaine (MO) - Ladainian Tomlinson
3. holley Mangold's Gash - Shaun Alexander
4. Mary Beth's Box - Stephen Jackson
5. MV'sShinyNeonAss - Ronnie Brown
6. Bukkake Squad - Chessning
7. Jay Mariotti's Binky - Coach Janky Spanky
8. Ohio is for Lovers - Tiki Barber
9. BiggerThanJezus - Edge
10. LickMyLovePump - Rudi Johnson
11. BackfieldPenetration - Starvin' Marvin Harrison
12. Got The Ass - Lamont Jordan
13. Carl Monday is God - Steve Smith
14. OopsIShitTheTub - Larry Fitzgerald
15. SummersEve&TheDBags - Cadillac
16. Orton's Drinkers - Willis McGahee

I don't know if anyone noticed, but 2...count them 2...Cardinals went in the first round (and as you'll see, 3 actually went in the Top 20. I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I am currently typing this, shaking in the corner of my neighborhood fallout shelter. Anybody reading this will also question the decision to pick Jackson at 4 and Brown at 5 before more distinguished fantasy players such as Tiki, Edge or Manning. Jackson, I believe, is poised for a breakout year and could very well rack up the fantasy points under Marshall Faulk's tutelage. Ronnie Brown, now that there are no questions about who will be the starting tailback, may run circles around the defenses of the AFC East. I like everyone's picks n the first round, and I look forward to the first major injury (Madden Curse PLEASE go away).

Round 2
1. Orton's Drinkers - That young handsome quarterback of the New England Patriots
2. SummersEve - Anquan Boldin
3. OopsIShitTheTub - Antonio Gates
4. Carl Monday - Chad Johnson
5. Got The Ass- Randy Moss
6. Backfield - Julius Jones
7. LovePump - Domanick Davis
8. Jezus - Torry Holt
9. Ohio is for Lovers - Brian Westbrook
10. Mariotti's Binky - M. Hasselbeck
11. Bukkake - Reggie Bush
12. MV'sNeonAss - TO
13. MB's Box - Reggie Wayne
14. HM's Gash - Jake Delhomme
15 Blaine (MO) - Hines Ward
16. The Drowning Mice - Chris Chambers

Antonio Gates is a fucking machine, in case nobody paid attention last year, I wanted him with the 30th pick, but he went to the tub shitter. Tom Brady with the 17th pick is risky because he wins games with that dink and dunk bullshit, he murdered me when I had him 2 years ago. The question marks from round 2 are Reggie Bush, will he start? How many touches will he get? How many of his friends and family will be arrested before the end of the season? TO, will he throw Bledsoe under a bus? Parcells? Drew Rosenhaus? Your mom? Will Brian Westbrook manage not to suck this year, will Chad Johnson break the NFL record for fines in a year (okay that has nothing to do with fantasy, but still, it's a legit question). Can Julius Jones wrestle touches away from Marion Barber and will Hines Ward stop fucking smiling already? Jesus!

Round 3
1. R. Droughns
2. Lil' Manning
3. tony Gonzalez
4. P. Burress
5. Ro. Williams
6. Santananana Moss
7. D. Driver
8. Carson Palmer
9. Willie Parker
10. Andre Johnson
11. Javon Walker
12. C. Taylor
13. Warrick Dunn
14. C. Dillon
15. D. Foster
16. T. houshmandzdahehehdehfthtg

Dunn was a steal late in the third even if he is splitting carries with that fat fuck TJ Duckett, TJ Houshmandzadeh was also a steal. Driver and Walker have The Jake Plummer throwing to them (and he hasn't even been drafted yet) so they are a risk. Somebody tell Tony Gonzales to catch some fucking touchdowns this year. Thank You.

Round 4
1. D. Jackson
2. D. McNabb
3. D. Culpepper
4. J. Addai
5. M. Bulger
6. T. Green
7. D. Bledsoe
8. J. Shockey
9. J. Witten
10. J. Lewis
11. A. Crumpler
12. T. Heap
13. B. Leftwich
14. J. Horn
15. D. Branch
16. Chicago D

Round 4 saw 6 QB's, 4 TE's and our first Defense taken. Question marks are firmly implanted above the heads of Culpepper and McNabb, Addai in the fourth round is a stretch since the starting job isn't necessarily his yet, Jamal Lewis needs to stop selling crack or murdering people or whatever the fuck it is that they do in Baltimore (get STDs). For those interested Joe Horn has been traded by HG's Gash to Got the Ass for Drew Brees and Fred Taylor Insurance.

Round 5
1. The Snake
2. McCardell
3. Fred Taylor and every groin joke that goes with him
4. K. Jones
5. K. Warner
6. D. Mason
7. R. McMichael
8. L. Coles
9. J. Galloway
10. M. Muhammad
11. Deuce
12. L. Evans
13. Dominic Rhodes
14. Reg. Brown
15. L. Maroney
16. F. Gore

Round 5 saw a number of insurance pick ups (McAllister, Rhodes, Maroney) as well as Jake "the snake" Plummer and Kurt "the devout" Warner. Both QB's, of course, may be supplanted by the end of the year by rookies Cutler and Leinart.

Round 6
Interesting picks included Indianapolis's defense going to SummersEve (bastard, they won me my league last year) the first Kicker, the immortal Neil Rackers, went to the TubShitter, Toothlessberger went to Carl Monday, Everyone's favorite white clown Chris Cooley went. Retirement cocktease and interception tossing extraordinaire Brett Favre went to Jezus.

Round 7
Two Denver RB's with the last name Bell went 4 picks away from one another, two fat fucks (LenDale White and TJ Duckett went one after another and SummerEve took Ron Mexico.

The Second Hald
Notable Picks in the last 7 rounds:

Kyle Boller - Round 14, S. Mcnair - Round 8, Matt Schaub - Round 13, Matt Leinart - Round 14, Vince Young - Round 10, Chad Pennington - Round 10, Jon Kitna - Round 10, Josh McCown - Round 12, Priest Holmes - Round 13, Curtis Martin - Round 14, Ron Dayne - Round 9, Samkon Gado - Round 14, Kellen Winslow - Round 11, Phillip Rivers - Round 8, Chris Henry - Round 13, Koren Robinson - Round 14 (already dropped).

I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to this season, and I am excited to do a premiership type fantasy league with the League of ExtraOrdinary Deadspin Posters. We all know how funny it would be to see the likes of Will Leitch or any of our favorite Deadspin commenters slumming with us down here next year while some of our elite teams make the move up.

I'm sure this entire interweb is looking forward to not only our league but also the daily fantasy football blurbs by our excellent group of commenters.*

Can't wait for Holley Mangold's Gash to do battle with Mary Beth's Box in week 10, the world will never be the same.

*Note: By excellent group of commenters I mean a bunch of degenerate alcoholics who are unproductive in their daily lives and spend their time doing fantasy football and posting on Deadspin.

Update: Our good friends a Kissing Suzy Kolber put up a post about their draft which is a much quicker and more entertaining read than the one you presumably just got finished with. I suggest taking a look, and then expressing your sympathy for MMP's shitty draft in their comments section.

LOOKING FOR WRITERS!

2006-08-23T16:43:00.000-04:00

So BigRicks and I decided that we want to do a running commentary on the state of Fantasy Football from our league’s perspective for the blog. We came up with the idea of having us do a weekly write up of how different divisions did FF-wise (well, we didn’t originate it, but, well, you know… whatever).

We will create a template of what we want covered (Stud player of the week, (points) loser of the week, etc.), and all you have to do is fill in the blanks, preferably with more than one word. We run it like Tuesday, so that’ll give you a day to shake off your hangover and churn out like 250 words after copying it off of ESPN Insider. Easy as pie.

I've got the AFC West and East. BigRicks has got the NFC East and South. Since we're initiating it, we figure we'd do the heavy lifting, so you guys don't have to. So four divisions left... who wants in?

Initial Post, No Promises, All Apologies

2006-08-22T16:56:00.000-04:00

Warning: This may be seen as a complete rip off of the Fantasy Football League of Extraordinary Deadspin Posters (FFLXDSP) and that's because, well, it is. Below you can find the draft order of the 16 teams that make up the Deadspin Triple-A Affiliate Fantasy Football League (DAAAFFL from here on out). Our draft is Wednesday August 22nd at 8:00 PM. Results will be posted that evening (but more likely the following day). The draft order is as follows (notice the All-Star Deadspin talent in parentheses):

1. The Drowning Mice (SirHotbodHandsomeface)
2. Blaine (MO) Players (Eirishis)
3. Holley Mangold's Gash (BigRicks)
4. Mary Beth's Box (rsr26)
5. MVsShinyNeonAss (BowdenBowdenBowden)
6. Bukkake Squad (Rockin Joe Stalin)
7. Jay Mariotti's Binky (Iron Chef Xenu)
8. Ohio Is For Lovers
9. BiggerThanJezus
10. Lick My Love Pump (The tastefully named, Brandon)
11. Backfield Penetration (denis lemieux)
12. Got The Ass (Str8 Cash Homies)
13. Carl Monday is God (Scott Senay)
14. OopsIShittheTub (TurdBlossom)
15. SummerEve&TheDBags (StartingAces)
16. Orton's Drinkers (PurduePaul)

In the words of Walter Sobchek, this league is not exactly a lightweight. If your worried that this blog will feature only the fantasy football results of 16 sports-obsessed losers, fear not young jedi, for I will update regularly with witty comments about various topics of which you will no doubt be interested. Any suggestions (or if i left you out), leave a comment.

Konichiwa. Bitches.