Wednesday, September 20, 2006


An Unlikely Combination

I hate it when people make lists comparing sports teams or athletes to other entities in entertainment (movie character, singers, etc.). But I'm about to do it. I'll flagellate myself later.

Your AFC North Preview for Week 3
The teams of the AFC North as Female Food Network Celebrity Chefs

The Cincinnati Bengals

At times, people have written you off as nothing more than novelty. You inherited a legacy which you haven't yet been able to duplicate.

And yet, there's a certain attractiveness about you. Even though your hair accentuates your large forehead, you've got a lot of fans who like you because you're flashy (and possibly a tad superficial). But you're clearly talented, and dedicated.

You have a bad habit of overlooking the less savory elements of your lineups, which includes cooking with too many unhealthy ingredients, not to mention the fact that sometimes, your recipes look good on paper, but are more life-threatening than not in execution.

Still, you try hard, and you've got quite the following. You've made a name for yourself, although you still like talk funny in order to remind people of your legacy, just to solidify your fanbase. There are a lot of people still jumping on your bandwagon, even now.

Who are you? You're Giada De Laurentiis.

The Baltimore Ravens

Your recipe for success is simple. Hit them hard, hit them fast, and before they know what has hit them, it's all over.

It's so successful, in fact, that it has become a little boring to some. In fact, your insistence on a particular style might be holding you back.

Nevertheless, people are excited about your success, especially of late. You're about to really take off, and even though your appearance has been a bit inconsistent, you're ready to make people notice you.

Still, people aren't entirely sure what to make of your loud and spastic nature.

You're a bit of a crazy one. You might provide a path to victory, or you might turn around and stab someone.

Who are you? You're Rachel Ray

The Pittsburgh Steelers

You have a long history of success. So much that you barely have to do anything these days to be hyped up.

You've got experience, and you pride yourself on doing things the right way, no nonsense. Yet, you're not afraid to let your hair down and deep fry a candy bar or eight.

And because of this, because you established yourself as a bit of a maverick, you're always something to be reckoned with.

Finally, you have a following that literally idolizes you, to the extent that it has become slightly disturbing. It also doesn't hurt that you have huge tracts of land.

Who are you?

You're Nigella Lawson

The Cleveland Browns

You're fat. Your followers eat a lot of cake and twinkies, and are likely as fat as you are, if not more so. In fact, the very thought of your cooking, which always includes inordinate amounts of lard, instills diarrhetic sentiments.

How are we ever going to clean up after you?

You've never met a recipe you couldn't add more butter to, and you've never met a salad in your life. You're also the only truly unattractive one in the bunch.

In summary, you're a threat to humanity.

Who are you? You're Paula Deen. Fatty.

Oh yeah. Picks for this week (home teams in caps).

Pittsburgh (-1.5) over Cincinnati - They got shut out last week, but it can't possibly happen again, can it? Can it?

I would like Cincy more had they not been so bloodied in Week 2.

Baltimore (-7) over Cleveland - As much prior history says that Baltimore struggles to score, their offense has at least put bread on the table, and they've been abusing young quaterbacks in the first couple of weeks. I can't see how Charlie Frye is going to buck the trend.

Man I need to watch more cooking shows. That Nigella chick has a killer rack. Nice post.
As a fellow Food Network fan, I heartily endorse all of your comparisons, for the following supplementary reasons:

Cleveland/Paula - As a Browns fan, I couldn't agree more. For both, I have an affection based solely on geography (born in Cleveland, raised in the South), and a love that I know is self-destructive in the end.

Baltimore/Rachael - untalented, publicity whore hacks who steal thunder from more worthy peers.

Cincy/Pitt/Giada/Nigella - I know that I'm supposed to think that my chef/team is better than theirs, but I can't, and privately harbor lust for all. Especially Giada. Growl.
I forwarded this piece to Deadspin. I think its worthy of a link.
If Chris Henry ever shows up in one of my daydreams about Giada, I'm hiring Joey Porter's dogs to come after y'all.

Well played. Keep up the good work.
Genius, pure genius.
What the hell? Where's the love for Sandra Lee?
Sandra Lee isn't a cook - she's a housewife on camera that uses nothing but pre-processed ingredients and makes flowery cocktails.

If I had to assign her a team, she would be the Houston Texans - you get the feeling that she's been on her back a lot, and no matter how many times you put her on TV or how you doll her up, people won't get interested.

What's more, her fans are probably people still living in the 1960's who buy a lot of stuff off QVC and HSN.

She and Michael Chiarello are the most useless entities on Food Network. Michael Chiarello at least cooks sometimes though.
Jesus Satchmo. You sure know a lot about cooking and female chefs. Are you like 500 pounds?
More like 185 (still obese though). I just like my Food Network way too much.

I usually find myself flipping to it during commercial breaks in baseball or football games - sometimes there's a crappy Food Network sponsored contest on, but other times, you get a recipe for pasta bolognese while the referees are taking their time with an instant replay call.

It's also good for lowering the blood pressure after Michael Irvin says something dumb during the pre-game shows.
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