Monday, September 04, 2006
The Travis Bickle Forecast-- Week One
Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.
As you can probably tell, I’m really pumped up about this year’s NFL season. Along with pornography and stockpiling weapons, one of my favorite pastimes is NFL football. If, like me, you put down the occasional wager then this column is for you.
Chances are that your bookie, like mine, is a filthy, degenerate scumbag. He preys on people and, in a just world, would be slaughtered without mercy and then strung up for the world to see. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to win big on Sunday and then collect from my guy on Monday.
I still look back and smile when I think about that week last season I went 8 and 0. About the only time I was happier was when I shot and killed that lowlife pimp Sport and his cohorts a few years back. Seeing Sport’s expression when I shot him in the stomach gave me a feeling of bliss which I cannot put into words.
Sitting alone in my one room studio apartment in this sewer of a city, I’ve had some time to think about the NFL and the upcoming season. Now its true that between driving a cab 12 hours a day and stalking various ex-girlfriends and politicians that I don’t have as much time as I would like to study all of the games. But stick with a few simple principles and I think you will end up ahead. And if we are both lucky your bookie will feel a lot like this guy come Monday.
Rule #1-Determination is Everything. When I focus my attention on an enemy or a cause, I will not be stopped until they are all dead and/or my goal is accomplished. Like when I met that 12 year old hooker Iris. Now clearly a girl that young should not have been working these disgusting streets for the sleazy pimp Sport. Since no one would do anything about it, I took matters into my own hands. And guess what? Iris is now back at home where she belongs and Sport is where he belongs-- underground with worms eating his rotting corpse. What’s my point? That there are times when sheer determination can carry the day versus a seemingly superior opponent. I see that same steely determination in Dolphins' coach Nick Saban this season and, frankly, I don‘t see it in the Steelers who are due for a Super Bowl letdown. With that in mind I’ll be taking Miami against the the defending champs in the season opener.
Rule #2- Preparation is Half the Battle. Sure, you might not like Senator Palantine. And killing him may well impress that girl who keeps rebuffing your advances. But how are you actually going to do it? Do you have the firepower to take him out? That .22 you have? Please, don't make me laugh. You would be lucky to break the skin with that thing. Think I’m wrong? Go ask John Hinkley. And what if your gun jams? Will you have a knife taped to your boot, just in case? Do you even know where his next campaign stop is? Faced with these and other logistical barriers, most people give up as soon as they realize that the task at hand is simply too daunting.
A well prepared opponent, however, can accomplish almost anything. And no one prepares like the Patriots and Bill Belichick. He has a single mindedness second to none. Lay the points this week and take the Pats against the Bills. Thank me later.
Rule #3 Don’t be Betrayed by a Pretty New Face. Yeah I know that new girl in the personnel department is cute. She looks like an absolute angel. And you probably think she’s not like the others. Wrong. She is. And she will crush your soul the first chance she gets. They’re all the same. Do not get sucked into this trap, whatever you do.
What does that have to do with football, you ask? Look at the Arizona Cardinals this season and all the good press they are getting. Sure, they look good on paper. Great wide receivers, a new running back and a hot shot backup waiting in the wings when God abandons Warner and he eventually stumbles. Its all crap and I’m not buying it. Not for one second. And I don’t care if they are playing Frisco to open the season. Take the 8 points and get ready for some easy money.
Well, those are my picks this week. Good luck, and don’t forget to get organiz-ized!
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