Monday, September 11, 2006

 

NFC South Gangbang - Week 1

With none of my teams playing in Monday Night Football (now on ESPN, in case you didn't hear), here is the week that was (and the predictions that were) in the Dirty South:

I might have been wrong about the Panthers.

Panthers (-5.5) over Falcons, Panthers straight up.

Falcons 20, Panthers 6

It looks like Atlanta can do the Dirty Bird all they want for the next few days, because BOY was I off on this one. Mea culpa. I would say that it's my turn to eat crow, but I know already that my stomach would reject it as poison and kill me immediately.

As for the Panthers ... Seriously, fuck you. I hate looking like an idiot. I go out on a limb and pimp your division crown like its a foregone conclusion, and you go out and perform "Najeh in the Hamper" for your home opener. One more performance like that out of you and I swear to God, I'm giving you up as my binky. (No, I didn't mean it like that ... please, don't cry ... I'm sorry, of course I didn't mean to hurt you ... look, I'm just stressed out from work ... why don't we order in tonight, we can talk things over.)

I'm not going to kill you, Chris. Or am I?

Bucs (-3.5) over Ravens, Bucs straight up.
Ravens 27, Bucs 0

Speaking of teams that completely crapped out on Opening Day ... what the hell happened to the Buccaneers? Didn't this team (with almost no changes) win the division last year? Didn't the Ravens (with only one major change) finish with a losing record last year? Wasn't this game in Tampa? I don't care how much of a difference Steve McNair is supposed to make (and I still question whether that is indeed the case) - nobody predicted that kind of asswhipping.

The Bush is always better than the Brown.

Saints (+3.5) over Browns, Browns straight up.
Saints 19, Browns 14

Well, at least I got one bet right - taking the points with the Saints was a winner. I might have looked even better had Braylon Edwards not forgotten how to catch a ball, directing Charlie Frye's final pass attempt into the hands of a Bayou Boy Scout and killing the Browns hopes of eeking out a last second win (which would have still been within the spread). I'd bitch, but ... frankly, as a Browns fan, I kind of expected it.

Oh, right, the Saints are the team I'm supposed to talk about ...

Week 1 NFC South Fantasy Studs (points in our league in paratheses):

Warrick Dunn - 132 yds rushing, 10 yds receiving, 0 TD (7): He was kind of a big deal. I stand by my statement that he will breakdown this year without a complementary back, but until that happens, my oh my is he good. And if Jerious Norwood turns out to be that back, Dunn will be even more dangerous.

Michael Vick - 10/22, 140yds, 2 TD, 48 yds rushing (16): He still isn't very accurate, and the touchdown to Jenkins was due to a defensive breakdown. He also still went to Virginia Tech and enjoys lying about veneral disease. That said, he had a killer week in the stats.


John Carney - 1/1 PAT, 4/4 FG, 1/1 FG 40-49 yds (14)
: Probably wouldn't have made the list if he weren't a Domer, but he had great fantasy stats this week. And given that neither Bush or Deuce (who had an OK, but not stellar, game) could punch in a 2nd touchdown on two tries apiece for the Saints, that bodes well for Carney getting more chances to kick shorties. (Hehe...kick shorties...)

Performance of the Week

Falcons Defense - 6 points allowed, 2 forced turnovers, 4 sacks (15): Clearly, they took the bulletin board material I gave them to heart. Even without Steve Smith, the Carolina offense was supposed to be well-rounded enough in both the air and ground games to still kill you. The Atlanta D only went out and got four sacks, forced three forced fumbles, nabbed two turnovers, and held the Panthers to six points and 215 yards of total offense. That kind of domination tends not to be a one-shot deal.

Week 1 NFC South Fantasy Duds (points in our league in paratheses)

Tough to select just a few from two terrible team performances ... but ...
Jake Delhomme - 21/39, 186 yds, 0 TD, 1 INT, 1 fumble lost (-1): As I said, Delhomme has three games every year where he forgets to wake up in the morning. He'll be fine next week.

Panthers Defense - 20 points allowed, 1 sack, 0 turnovers, 1 blocked kick (4): Combined with Delhomme's sleepwalking performance and the Panthers' inability to run the ball, I'm pretty sure my friend Nordy, an unemployed Panthers fan, tried to commit suicide last night.

Carnell Williams - 22 yds rushing, 25 yds receiving, 0 TD (2): [Insert broke-down Cadillac joke here]. I was pretty surprised by this. The Ravens run defense was expected to be good, but ... wow. I'm guessing it's a bad day to be at the Bucs' compound, with Chucky blowing a gasket.

Tampa Bay Defense - 21 points allowed, 1 sack, 0 turnovers (1): Cue Harry Doyle - "One hit? We only got one goddamn hit?" "You can't say goddamn on the air!" "Eh, who cares, no one is listening anyway."

Joe Horn - 25 yds receiving (1): I wasn't wrong to say that he sucked.

Ricky Vaughn Hall of Shame

Chris Simms - 17/29, 133 yds, 0 TD, 3 INT (-4): Our favorite tattoo buddy pulled off easily the worst fantasy QB performance of the week. Somehow, I doubt it's his last. Jon Gruden - I want you to think long and hard about these names: Brad Johnson. Brian Griese. Heck, at this point, Shaun King. All decent quarterbacks that you let go in favor of this kid. But it's OK - I understand that Jeff George is still taking calls.

NFC South Newcomer of the Week:

Reggie Bush - 61 yds rushing, 58 yds receiving, 0 TD (6): The proudest resident of the 619 wasted no time in making me look like a fucking idiot. Once he starts scoring (if that happens), he might actually be worth the hype. But, let's all breath deep - it was the Browns. Also pretty good in this game - Marques Colston, a 7th round pick for the Saints, who picked up 49 yds and a touchdown. He went to Hofstra. Hofstra!



The overall lessons - (1) I've apparently been drinking too many hurricanes, because the Saints were the only team I had any sort of bead on in Week 1, (2) the small fast players in this division might be pretty good, and (3) the "bet the house" defense of the division may not be located where we thought it was.

We'll try again on Thursday.

Comments:
Hilarious. Nice work. Better than I can do. You're my special boy.
 
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