Tuesday, September 19, 2006


NFC North Week 2 Review- Guaranteed Not To Suck

The Direct TV NFL Sunday Ticket, not withstanding those lame commercials with that fat old man, kicks ass. Most of my Sundays are spent with my remote in one hand and my dick in the other, which remains perpetually hard at the thought of all the NFL action at my disposal.

This week, however, I was at the mercy of the networks and what they wanted to show in my area since I was spending the night at my mother's house for some family bullshit which could not be avoided no matter how hard I tried. For some reason, my mom continues to ignore my advice and has steadfastly refused to get NFL Ticket. Oh well, it's her loss.

Forced to choose between the Bills v. Dolphins or Saints v. Packers, I decided to watch the Packer game in order to better fulfill my duties as official NFC North scribe for MFR. The Pack got off to a quick start at home, recovering two early fumbles which prompted them to a 13-0 lead. The crowd was into it and it looked like they would get their first win. By halftime, however, the Saints were up 14-13 and would ultimately prevail 34-27.

Brett Favre actually looked solid in this game, throwing for 340 yards, 3TDs and only 1 INT. Admittedly, his one pick was one of those "up for grabs" specials that has become his trademark.

His main target, Donald Driver, continues to impress, catching 8 passes for 153 yards. Unfortunately for Green Bay, Ahman Green never got on track, running for 42 yards on 16 carries. More damaging for Ahman and the Pack was his fumble late in the game- an occurrence that cannot be a surprise to Packer fans at this point. Although the Packers run defense held Deuce and Bush in check, Brees still threw for 353 yards on them.

This game merely confirmed that the Packers are an awful team--certainly one of the 5 worst in the league. Unless they play the Texans and Raiders every other week, things are going to end badly this season for Green Bay.

The Minnesota Vikings have to be considered the surprise of the division, at least through the first two games. On Sunday the Vikings beat the Panthers 16-13 in OT to remain tied with the Bears for first place in the division. Unlike the recent past where the Vikings would beat you with deep bombs from Culpepper to Moss, the Vikings are now doing it with defense and a commitment to running the ball. Chester Taylor had 24 carries for 113 yards while Brad Johnson was a pedestrian, but competent, 19 of 31 for 243 yards passing and one INT. Troy Williamson continues to be his main target, catching 6 balls for 102 yards.

The two biggest plays in this game were on special teams and both involved trick plays. (And although this game involved the Vikings, the only "tricks" were on the field.) Down 13 to 6 in the 4th, the Vikings lined up for a short FG. Kicker Ryan Longwell ended up throwing the ball to some dude I've never heard of for a 16 yard TD. Did you have Longwell on your fantasy team? If so, I hope that TD pass counted on your final stat sheet.

The other trick play came moments earlier on a punt return which was as unnecessary as it was stupid. Leading 13-6 with 10 minutes left, John Fox inexplicably called for one of those "guy who catches the punt heave it across the field to another guy plays." (We used to run that play in my neighborhood backyard games with much better results.) That play was very uncharateristic of Fox, and looked like something Steve Spurrier might run of he were leading Vandy by 40. The Vikings recovered the fumble and then Childress, as if to show Fox how to properly run a trick play, ran the fake FG for 6. Are the Vikes for real? We will see this week against Chicago.

In a division matchup, the Bears hosted Roy Williams and the Detroit Lions. This game was notable mostly for Williams' absurd pre-game guarantee and other moronic comments. After the Lions narrowly lost to the Seahawks last week, Williams said that his team should have scored 45 points, and then guaranteed victory this week against the Bears. The Bears won, of course, 34-7, but that still didn't stop Williams- 6 catches 71 yards- from acting like a jackass.

Down 10-0 early to Chicago, Williams caught a pass for a first down and did one of those lame first down poses. Who invented this tired move? Chris Carter? Michael Irvin? (You can bet that Raymond Berry never did that. If he had, Johnny Unitas would have thrown the ball at his nuts, like Burt Reynolds did in "The Longest Yard." Just look at him in that picture. Even though they had helmets at this stage in his career, Berry didn't wear one, stating that helmets were for "pussies and faggots." Ahh, the old days.)

When asked later if it was cool to celebrate a measly first down trailing 10-0, R. Williams replied "What does that mean? ... That means nothing to me. The score means nothing." Seriously. He said that. And this is coming from the one wide receiver who has allegedly panned out? (Mike Williams, inactive again, was rumored to be at a Shoney's Big Boy during the game.)

Lions QB Jon Kitna was a Kitna-esque 23 for 30 for 230 yds and 1TD (rushing). Kevin Jones and the rest of the Lions offense continues to be MIA.

The same thing cannot be said of the Bears offense. I was firmly convinced that Grossman would be benched by the 3rd or 4th week game- but the guy has started the season hotter than a Mike Vick flare-up. Against the Lions, Rex threw for nearly 300 yards and 4TDs.

But, as Mr. Wolf might say, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet Bears' fans." The running game didn't provide much, as Thomas Jones managed only 64 yards on 21 carries, and the two victories have come against Green Bay and Detroit. Until next time;

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