Wednesday, September 06, 2006


NFC North Fantasy Preview: Did you Draft Any of These Losers?

Welcome to the Week One NFC North Fantasy Preview. Chances are that if you are reading this, you are stupid. Why? Because you decided to draft players from the NFC North for your fantasy team. This is without a doubt the most uninspired division in football, and unless you are a fan of one of these teams or have some money riding on the outcome, there is no reason for you to pay attention to any of these teams. With that out of the way, let’s get to this week’s games.

Bret Favre and the Packers open the season at home against the Chicago Bears, the defending NFC North champs. The question isn’t whether Brett will break the all-time interception record this season; the question is whether he will do it in this game.

If your fantasy league gives you points for every pick thrown, then you should definitely start Favre this week. Otherwise, Id go with someone else at the QB spot. Especially over some overrated hick who allowed Strahan to replace Mark Gastineau in the record books. Screw that. There's an asterisk on that sack record so big it would fit between the gap in Strahan's front teeth.

Not all of Favre’s passes, however, will be caught by the Bears. Since the law of averages dictate that some of his throws will ultimately wind up in the hands of a Packer, you should consider putting receiver Donald Driver in your lineup.

The running game used to be a real strength in Green Bay, with Ahman Green and Najeh “Dookie” Davenport leading the way. Unfortunately for Packer fans, the running game is now a huge question mark. Last week the Packers pinched a loaf, so to speak, and cut Davenport from the team. Although Green remains and has played at a high level in the past, until he can show that he’s all the way back from injury you should probably keep him on the bench.

Lovie Smith obviously learned a lot from his time in Tampa Bay under Tony Dungy. If you have the Bears D then you should be salivating like Paris Hilton at the NFL scouting combine at the thought of them playing the Pack.

Along with building a solid defense, Smith has also copied his mentor by pairing it with a dreadful offense. You have to admire Smith’s ability to ignore objective criteria and go with Rex Grossman over Brian Griese. My advice? Neither should be on your fantasy team unless, perhaps, you happen to be the token girl in your league and drafted one of them because you don't know any better.

As for the running game, the Bears appear to be content with splitting carries between Thomas Jones and second year a-hole Cedric Benson. Until it is clear who is going to be getting most of the carries, you probably shouldn't insert either into your fantasy lineup.

Kudos to Matt Millen, who somehow managed to make the Lions worse than anyone thought possible. Hoping to turn things around are new Head Coach Rod Marinelli and autistic offensive coordinator Mike Martz. They will have their work cut out for them as they open against the Seattle Seahawks. Apparently, Marinelli is a real task master as evidenced by his ban on all water pipes inside the Lions’ practice facility. Needless to say, Charles Rodgers has been cut from the team.

The Lions do, however, have some decent players at the skill positions. Jon Kitna is a serviceable quarterback. Much like that heavy chick who serves as your late Saturday night booty call, he will do in a pinch. Kevin Jones and Roy Williams also look to get their fair share of work in Martz’s offense. It also may be worth your time to pick up Mike Williams, if only for the cheap thrill you will get in immediately cutting such high priced trash from your roster.

Finally, the Minnesota Vikings head to DC to play the Washington Redskins and then, after the game, fuck anything that moves. In a bit of a role reversal this season, the Vikings' defense appears to be in better shape than the offense. On defense the Vikings have young and hungry players like Erasmus James and Kenichi Udeze. No one, however, has more of an appetite than Bryant McKinnie, who apparently likes to slurp up stripper bush in spite of the obvious health risks.

Along with Fred Smoot and Dwight Smith, the Vikings clearly have the sexual deviant position filled. As for the offense, some people are high on Chester Taylor. Not me, however. I think he sucks. The Vikings wideouts are also pretty shitty, leaving QB Brad Johnson little to work with.

Well there you have it. Good luck, and see you next week.

The message: don't start anyone; they all suck.
Well if I had Kevin Jones I'd start him. Roy Williams might have a good year also. He's number one on the depth chart. But, yeah, most other players in this conference are average to sucky.
Actually, I just checked my roster and I do have Kevin Jones. And I'm starting him.
I've only got a Chicago QB (in another league) because Big Ben's vagina is sore, and literally every other starting QB with a pulse is taken.
Kevin Jones is a bum, he was my third reunning back last year and sucked worse than Paris Hilton. As a Bears fan, I agree Chicago has all defense and a high school offense.
Some people think Jones may have a productive year. I would settle for him rushing for 1,000 yards and 6-8 TDs.

My Love Smith-Tony Dungy reference is probably not a good one because obviously the Colts have a good offense. I was referring to Dungy's days in Tampa, obviously.
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