Thursday, September 07, 2006

 

The NFC East Abides...


Because comparing NFL Players to characters in cult classics never gets old or stale, here are the key players in the NFC East, and their Big Lebowski counterparts:

Bill Parcells/The Big Lebowski: Plenty of lines to draw here, Both Jeffrey Lebowski and Bill Parcells have a complex that leads him to believe he is in charge of his respective charity/team (Little Lebowski Urban Achievers/Dallas Cowboys), when the truth of the matter is, some bitch runs the show (Maude/T.O.). Both are grotesquely overweight, handicapped in some way or form (Some Chinaman took Lebowski's Legs/Jerry Jones won't let Billy boy lay the smack down on his prima donna WR). Lastly both are relying on past glory to cash in today (Lebowski hasn't been relevant since he met first lady Nancy Reagan, Ronnie wasn't able to make the shoot/Parcells hasn't been successful since...well...about the same time).

Jeremy Shockey/The Dude: The Dude has the hair, so does Shockey. But more importantly The Dude has the "Who gives a fuck attitude" and so does Jeremy Shockey. It's that attitude that drove the movie, and its the same attitude that will help the Giants win games this year. Expect Shockey to continue putting up Pro Bowl numbers as Eli Manning continues to grow and get better.


Andy Reid/Walter Sobchek: The physical similarities are mindfuckingboggling. Andy Reid could work on the facial hair, some stirrups and more of a fu manchu would be fucking money. Walter didn't watch his buddies die face down in the muck so that some strumpet...some whore (TO) could drive this storied (a losing story yes, but a story nonetheless) franchise into the ground. Andy Reid realizes that their are FUCKING RULES, and he seems to be the only one. They stuggled last year and many (with the exception of good ol' Billy Simmons) expect them to fail again. I'm gonna pull a Madden here but, Andy Reid knows how to coach a football team. The running backs may blow, but the offensive line is always stellar (when not racked by injuries) they have a patchup job at WR and a QB coming off injuries. If the Eagles players aren't fucking amateurs and follow the fucking rules, they have a chance at shocking everyone and taking the East.
And Yes, I hate the fucking Eagles.

Drew Bledsoe (pictured on his back)/Donny: In one of the final scenes in the Big Lebowski, Donny is last scene lying on his back following a heart attack. More often than not this season, expect Drew Bledsoe to be lying in a similar position. The Statue of Ineptitude will undoubtedly crumble for various reasons, one of them being his sensitivity to contact (see Mo Lewis). Much like Donny post-mortem, Drew Bledsoe's passes flutter in the wind and are intercepted by the opposition, expect plenty of this as well, even with Maude and Terry Glenn patrolling the field. Good night sweet prince.

T.O./Maude Lebowski: T.O.'s work has been commended as being strongly vaginal. As has his attitude. He's pictured here on a bike because i could not find a picture of him in a 'Boys uniform (and because I thought a picture of a vagina wouldn't bode well with our family blog here). As noted in the Parcells post, Maude runs the LLUA much like T.O. runs the Cowboys. Julianne Moore, in many of her movies appears topless. Terrell Owens, in almost every fucking google image picture I found, appears topless. Did I mention I fucking hate Terrell Owens, I'm sorry I even brought him up. Moving on...

Michael Strahan/Knox Harrington, The Video Artist: This was too easy, the voices are too similar.

BigRicks: Who the fuck are you?

MS: Oh just a friend of Dr Ian Smith's

BigRicks: A friend with a cleft asshole?

MS: Oh...Jeez...Ahhh

Tiki Barber/Allan (The Dude's Landlord): Short, bald, and loves to perform. Just like Allan got his venue at the Crane Jackson Fountain Street Theater to perform his dance quintet-you know, his cycle-Tiki has found his venue when he decides to retire. TV commercial after TV commercial, I have seen him in Ads for Hanes, my local cable provider, and some bullshit New York City ad with Curtis Martin. He LOVES being in front of the camera. What's important for fantasy owners though is he LOVES to get pretty big numbers and can be a top tier RB. His running holes may even get larger if Sinorice Moss emerges as a deep threat and safety's have to play back.

Clinton Portis/Jesus: The most outlandish and enjoyable character in The Big Lebowski relates perfectly to the most outlandish and enjoyable character in the NFC East. This comparison would be even better if Portis molested eight year olds, but alas, we can't all be like Eddie Johnson. Much like Jesus, Coach Janky Spanky does not believe in this day of rest Bullshit. He does, however, believe in resting during the preseason to rehab your injured shoulder. Anybody who watched Clinton Portis fall past #6 or #7 in their fantasy draft without picking him was downright foolish and will feel the pain when Portis takes his piece, shoves it up their asses, and pulls the fucking trigger till it goes click.

Joe Gibbs/Jackie Treehorn: Much like Jackie and the "adult film industry", Joe has been in the football business for a long time. While he was gone, the Redskins went downhill (much like the adult film industry). They lacked a good runningback (Skip Hicks anyone?), QB (Gus Frerotte anyone?) and WR (Michael Westbrook anyone?). But the new Redskins are the wave of the future dude, Gibbs has Portis, Santana Moss, Brandon Lloyd, a revamped Offensive Line and coaching staff, a veteran QB and a young QB possibly waiting in the wings. While you may still jerk off manually, Redskins fans are jerking off to the idea of running away with the NFC East, and I don't blame them. Joe Gibbs pulls a lot of water in these parts, Norv Turner doesn't pull shit.

Tom Coughlin/Chief of Police of Malibu: Fucking Fascist! Tom Coughlin does not like deadbeats. He doesn't like your jerk off name, he doesn't like your jerk off face, he dosen't like your jerk off behavior, and he doesn't like you. Jerk off.


Eli Manning/Smokey: Smokey has emotional issues, beyond even pacifism. Eli seems to play football, give interviews, and basically live his life as if he has no emotion at all. Eli seems like a concientous objector, put in a football uniform because it was in his genes, he plays because he can, but never shows a sign that he's enjoying himself. After a stadium full of Giants fans didn't enjoy themselves during last season's playoff drubbing by the Panthers (it was miserable, trust me, I was there) Everyone is hoping that this time, Manning stands up to the Panthers, or anybody else, when they insist he was ">over the line. Mark it 8 Dude.

Onto my picks for Week 1 and my non Dr. Z inspired picks for the season:

Hotel California vs. Rice: If you happen to have a member of the Eagles Offense on your team, you stand to be in pretty good shape, people say the Texans have solidified their D, but I'll wait a few weeks before not starting players in front of their Defense. Stallworth's debut as an Eagle will go well, McNabb will look good, Mario Williams will still not deserve to be the top pick in the draft and the Eagles will win.

'Boys vs. Jags Hags: The 'Boys have the weapons to do some damage, with TO and Glenn, but RB questions (Fucking tandem backfield, fuck you shanahan) and the simple presence of Drew Bledsoe leads me to be wary and to go with the Jags for the win. Expect some production out of the WR's though.

Eli vs. Peyton: Archie's wet dream will be a shootout, unfortunately (I'm a Giants fan) I don't think that the Giants secondary can contain Harrison, Wayne and Stokely, although they should be able to load up on cornerbacks knowing that Osi and Strahan will prevent the Colts subpar RB's from doing anything substantial. Look for Shockey to get some catches as Eli wets his pants like a little girl at the site of Dwight Freeney and throws quick outs all night long. Tiki will gain his yards and fantasy owners should be happy with the offensive production from both sides.

'Skins vs. Sex Cruise Alumnus: The 'Skins should take this hands down for two simple reasons, better offense and better defense. Mark Brunell can throw to Santana Moss and brandon Lloyd, not to mention Cooley or Portis out of the backfield (assuming Portis starts). Brad Johnson can throw too...umm...Marcus Robinson. By the way, did you know that Monday Night Football moved to ESPN? Seriously, I just found out today, apparently they're doing a double header. Pretty wild.

NFC East after Week 17:
'Skins: 11-5
Giants: 9-7 (WC)
'Boys: 9-7
Eagles: 7-9

Have any ideas for other characters? Bunny? Brandt? The Nihilists? Throw 'em in the comments. Wait. What? You don't like my preview. If you don't like my preview get your own fuckin' Blog. Get the fuck off of my blog!


Comments:
I feel qualified to comment on this, since I've seen TBL about 20 times in the past two or three weeks. "It is our most modestly priced receptacle."

TO is more like Bunny than Maude. Both are spoiled little bitches whining for more money.
 
A few of your pics seem to be broken.
 
Also, I'd like to suggest that the Nihilists are Kornheiser, Theesman and Tirico, but aside from their general unintelligibility, I'm not sure of a connection.
 
God I love that movie and not just because it showcases bowling
 
I'm with rsr - TO is way more Bunny. Let's see ... societally attractive in a trashy sort of way ... completely worthless to anyone except as an orifice ... a complete whore looking for the next source of entertainment. Check, check and check.

Maude? I'd go with Jerry Jones himself. He, like Julianne Moore, uses a lot of makeup to look that good.
 
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