Thursday, September 07, 2006


How To Watch Fantasy Football

Fantasy Football is the Phish of the sports world. Phish is not a band, Phish is an excuse. An excuse to drop acid, have sexual relations with who/whatever, and drop far too much money on merch. I don't like Phish, but I love Fantasy Football.

Fantasy Football validates watching 8 hours of football each week that does not concern the team your root for (and consuming all of the beer and nachos that are required therein). It's an excuse to buy a jersey of a player that nobody else in your city has. Above all else, it's an excuse to do jack shit at work for a few minutes a day. As I write this, I am preparing to watch a game tonight that my team is not playing in, while wearing my Ricky Williams jersey and delaying the graphic design assignment on my desk as much as possible.

Here are house rules we followed in college:

1. NEVER cheer when a player doing something good against your team gets you points. Don't be that sack of shit that jumps up and says "who's house? RUN'S HOUSE!" when Tom Brady gets sacked by the Dolphins D. That will get you slapped, uninvited from future football gatherings, or worse... forced to pay for the beers next week. "Well, at least he got me points" is an equally douchebaggy comment. Acceptable responses include feigning remorse, wishing aloud that your team had made him "work harder for it", or saying that you should have drafted all of your players from the opposing league. The best response is nothing at all until you go to get your next beer - as long as you don't get caught doing the triumphant fist pump on the way. An obvious bylaw of this is to never turn off your team's game to see other fantasy players, unless no one else is around.

2. Watch the big boys first. My priorities this week are watching
A. Cadillac Williams
B. Donovan McNabb
C. Anquan Boldin
and whoever else I can catch is just gravy. Primarily you should be eyeing your money 1st round guy, your starting QB, and who you expect to be your #3 points man that week OR your best receiver. Different players, different teams, different positions; keeps things interesting. This should be a no-brainer, but least year I caught myself watching a Vikes game for Koren Robinson when Shaun Alexander was playing against a D-Line that looked like a playground game of red rover. Channel flipping is highly encouraged during posession changes. My lack of the NFL Sunday Ticket will likely leave me watching Jacksonville with unlikely hopes that Marcedes Lewis will come up huge.

3. Share the wealth when watching with a group. If you're hosting and you have the elusive "Sunday Ticket", make sure everyone gets dibs watching some of their guys for a few.

4. Shit talking is a must. If your D sacks/stops/swats an player who someone else has, razz away. Also applicable when a player fumbles/gets steamrolled/screws up an easy pass. Overhyping your team is a must.

Optional: 5. When you are with members of a certain fantasy team, the other ones are dead to you. If you are all nerdy enough, don't worry about this one.

Happy flipping. Here's to the football season and all of the calorie-consumption it brings with it.

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