Thursday, September 07, 2006


Got The Ass’ 2006 AFC West Fantasy Spectacular Showcase Showdown!

So we’ve all read the “pundits” and their “predictions” for the upcoming regular season (thanks, Dr. Z, for that NFC East is going 9-7 prediction). But we’re not here to focus on that. Nope. Why deal in regular when you can live in a world of fantasy, like we all do? That’s why I’m here, anyway. Presenting to you…

Got The Ass’ 2006 AFC West Fantasy Spectacular Showcase Showdown!

But instead of trips to Tahiti, a boat or a dune buggy, what you win here is a catamaran of knowledge… about the AFC West. So do with that what you will.

This division is a strong one for quarterbacks, if you count “promise, past and future” as one of the barometers for being a strong QB (ha—let’s see Madden 08 try to incorporate that!). Hippie-cum-lumberjack Jake Plummer throws to a complete receiving corps in Denver, which doesn’t really help when his self-destruction is as lingering as the snide comment he’ll receive for driving a Honda Element (“I drive a Honda Element!). Expect lots of yards, but not that high of a TD total (more on that later), and the lingering of Jay “Watcha back” Cutler doesn’t bode well either. This might end badly. Boy George calling the cops while coked up when there’s still a pile on his glass table-badly. Which is good for a Raider fan like me. Which brings me to Aaron Brooks. After one good season, and one blown season (get it… blown, hurricane, New Orleans… too soon?), Brooks moves his act to Oaktown to try to hook up with the most complete receiving group in the league. The problem with that is the Oaktown O-line, which should be improved with Art Shell running the show. But I still don’t trust it that much, so I’m going to say Brooks will get his yards, more TDs than Plummer because of the wide outs, but a lot of picks. I mean, a lot of them. But I guess when you’ve gotta keep Ds (which I head Laura Quinn is fond of) honest for LaMont, you’ve gotta chuck the ball. Which San Diego QB Phillip Rivers hasn’t done much of in his professional career. While he and Eli Manning came in the same year, Eli is now being touted as a Super Bowl savior (ahem) while Rivers enters the season with people wondering if he won’t shit himself when he’s not handing off to LT or dumping (heh) off to Antonio Gates. Expect a lot of learning on the job as blitz packages come as often as UPS (weak, I know) to tee off on LT. As a side note, I hope Schottenheimer gets something done to him of a violent nature for what he did to Drew Brees at the end of the season. Sure, it all worked out in the end with Brees signing in New Orleans (synergy, people!), but if he knew he and management were leading towards Rivers, why keep Brees in the whole meaningless last game to get his labrum torn? That’s fucked up. Speaking of fucked up, Trent Green’s grill is that way. Homie looks like a horse. Even more than Elway. But he’s a good QB, even if he’s had help from honest-defensive makers Marhsall Faulk, Priest Holmes and now LJ. The thing is, KC has Philly’s problem in that he never has anyone really good to throw it to. Samie Parker? Eddie Kennison? Those are the guys that, when you’re picking up free agents between seasons in Madden, you skip over for the cheaper, younger guy whose number you can spike. Sure he has Gonzales, but he’s one goal-post jump from his brittle knee being shattered. 3200 yards/16 TDs. Hey, was that a prediction? Yeah, it was.

The AFC West has the best RBs in the game (football) today. Top to bottom, there’s not one bad RB in the lot, and in one case, there are two. That case is “DENVER.” Remember in the old NES games, when they wouldn’t have pro names, just [TEAM CITY] RB to mark who just ran what? Well, that’s what I’ll always see the Denver RBBC situation as. This year, Mile High rocks the Bells, Mike (a rookie) and Tatum, taking the handoff from middle-finger-tosser Plummer, which is funny considering that entering training camp, Ron Dayne was considered the lead RB, which is stupid because he’s Ron Dayne. And lo and behold, Dayne is now a Texan. Denver cut him because they tired of putting a sandwich on the Jumbotron for him to focus on as he ran like a carrot on the stick. Jumbotron indeed! Expect 2200 yards, 15-17 TDs for DENVER RB. Split that up as you’d like. Not as Jumbo, but still large and in charge, is LaMont Jordan, the Raiders RB who came over two seasons ago from the Jets (which I just typed Jest, and I think we should keep it that way). An awesome out of the backfield receiver and powerful runner, LaMont is a spectacular mix of man and machine, a cyborg whose only purpose is to destroy linebackers named Sara Conner… oh wait, that’s the Terminator… or is it? Expect LaMont to save the Raiders’ asses a lot this season to the tune of 12 TDs and 1700 yards (combined… like a cyborg, get it?). One guy a lot of people got—many first in the draft—is Larry Johnson, the former malcontent backup to Priest Holmes that people handcuffed-cum-malcontent running back running over everyone. The dude is sick, which is hard for me to admit, considering he’s a Chief. People are bemoaning the fact that Herm Edwards is taking over the reins in KC, and Al Saunders left, but people forget that Herm coached Curtis Martin to a rushing title three years ago (before his knees collapsed faster than Toni Braxton’s career). He’s going to have 2000 yards this year, 18+ TDs. The totals will be more if Herm’s clock management skills come into play and he’s running LJ down by 7 from the 35 with :50 left. That’s a lot of numbers, which is what LaDanian Tomlinson has been putting up for the past few years (segue, people!). LDT (‘spect the OG LT) has been what people are comparing Reggie Bush to, Gayle Sayers 2.0 (does that make RB GS 3.0, or LDT 2.0?). The man can do it all, except escape dings to his hammy and ribs. It’s to the point where he doesn’t even play in any reindeer games (aka, the preseason) lest his boo-boos flare up like Rudolph’s nose. Expect the same from him, 1800-2000 yards combined, ridiculous TD total, upping that re-donkulous TD totals if Phillip Rivers just gives up and starts having LDT receive every snap like a 1983 Nebraska game.

You know when kids aren’t that bright, but they excel at one thing, like booger picking or quantum physics? You know, savants? Well, that’s how I feel about the Raiders’ WR corps. Sure they have a really good RB, their QB is okay and… um… well, Oakland has the best WR corps in the league. This is a team who just traded their no. 3 WR (Doug Gabriel) to the Gaytriots (did I say that?), and there’s now debate on whether he’s their no. 1 receiver. Randy Moss, Bitch Porter, Ron Curry and Alvis Whitted have all the skills to pay the bills, and obviously other teams’ as well (ahem, New England). While it’s up in the air (heh) what Mancrush Art Shell will do with Porter, there’s no doubt that Aaron Brooks… (sound of record scratching). Um yeah, that’s the problem. It’s like having Dirk Diggler’s diggler, but looking like Grendel. My friend Keith, a Giants fan, laughed at me when I said Kerry Collins could be our savior. “Dumb as rocks, you’ll never win with him,” he said, but I thought having those WRs would be enough to overcome his lack of smarts and racist attitude towards life. But nope. Ugh. I now feel the same way about Brooks (minus the racism). If things start looking down, expect Neo-Ken Andrew Walter to come in and save the day. If that happens, Expect these numbers: Moss: 1500/18 TDs No. 2 Receiver: 1000/10 TDs No. 3 receiver: 800 yards/7 TDs. If Brooks plays the whole season? Either Oakland’s heading to the Super Bowl, or Al Davis is tempting the Black Hole to reenact Attica with the Houston special teams players (December 3rd!) as the hostages. As for the rest of the teams… KC’s and San Diego’s receivers suck (save Keenan McCardell and Eddie Kennison) and I just picked up Rod Smith on my fantasy team, so I hope he does well.

Let’s gloss over this one people, because, really, who cares? OK, fine. Similar to the RBs, two of the top three TEs ranked in FFB come out of the AFC West, Antiono “Can’t hit a jump shot” Gates and Tony “I went to Cal, so I must be smart” Gonzalez, who I support, regardless of his Chiefdom, because he’s Hispanic, and there are only so many of us in the league. Same with Anthony Munoz and Jim Plunkett, even though they’ve been retired 15+ years. ZZZZZ? Hey, what do you want from me? They’re tight ends. Hardly a glamour position, there are five good ones, and the rest are basically the same guy in different uniforms (again, like the old NES players). Their numbers are hardly distinguishable from one another, and the only time one out of the top four makes it to SportsCenter is because they make a stupid comment (“I’m a solider!”) or they’re crying at the draft table. Other than that, don’t pick any Oakland one because they run two-TEs sets, and they have barely enough plays to keep the other receivers happy and the Denver TE was recently diagnosed with food poisoning because he ate an Asian dish known as Creamofsomeyoungguy.

Similar to the way you shouldn’t pick one of these until the last three rounds or so, I’m going to write even less about them combined than the TEs. Look, other than the Denver D, the other three suck balls. Don’t pick them. What do you expect from a division so loaded with offense, the NFC North? Kickers? Most are pretty good because they’re going to score a lot, or at least get close enough to kick a FG. See how I shortened field goal to write less about this than the TEs?


Not sure I concur with your WR analysis. You think Moss and co. are better than Fitz and Bouldon, Reggie Wayne and Marvin? Or Key and Smith? How about TO and Terry Glenn? Take those Raiders' blinders off!
I think the AZ situation is the most comparable, but from top to bottom, they're the best.
I just want Moss and Fitgerald to do well, I went against the "rules" from ESPN and kept Fitzgerald and got moss in my keeper league....I'm better for it
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