Wednesday, September 06, 2006

 

The Bukkake Chronicles, Chapter 3

Derrick Mason growls as Kevan Barlow passes his locker. Knowing it's nothing personal, Barlow continues on his way. This behavior isn't a rarity in the Bukkake Squad locker room; Mason hasn't spoken a word since practices began two weeks ago. No one on the team, not even Coach Stalin knows why Derrick speaks in growls rather than words and sentences. And because no one has previously played with Derrick, it is unknown whether this is normal behavior for the wide receiver. Since nothing malicious ever arises, no one asks questions. It's tough to imagine how this situation will change if Mason fails to deliver during the season.

With only a smattering of players still left, Coach Stalin pops his head in the door. “Derrick, I think we need to discuss a few matters. My office, please?”

Mason replies with a snarl as he tosses a few more items into his duffel bag before heading into the coach's office. “Who's afraid of a small black man?” asks Alge Crumpler as Mason passes his locker. Seemingly infuriated, Mason drops his bag and stands chest-to-chest with the 6'2” tight end. Though, chest-to-chest may not be the best description, since the tight end is giving four inches to the wide receiver; it's more like chest-to-abdomen. Mason growls violently, but is met with only a palm to the face by Crumpler.

“Coach wanted to see you, so go see him. And jeezus, wouldja quit that growlin? You sound like you got that thing that Flutie and Boomer's kids got.”

Either not understanding or not much caring for Crumpler's insensitive Autism quip, Mason continues his growling down the hallway and into Coach Stalin's office. A cigar hangs from the coach's lips as he reclines with his feet propped up on his desk. Mason stands at the door for a moment, his growling subsiding in the presence of the man who will determine if he plays or not. “Have a seat, Derrick,” begins Stalin. Of course, the wide receiver obliges.

“Derrick, I've noticed that you're not fitting in well with the other players on this team. Now, I'm not going to shove some 'we play as a team' bullshit down your throat. You heard it back in high school and have already figured out it is a pile of shit. However, your situation is kind of unique, wouldn't you say?”

Mason responds with a less intimidating growl, but a growl nonetheless.

“See, this is what I'm talking about, Derrick. I asked you a transitional question, and you growled at it. Just like you growled at Peyton after you dropped a ball fed to your chest. Just like you growled at Kevan when he passed you earlier today”

The aggression is completely removed from Mason, but he still fails to speak actual words. Instead, he retorts in growls, his inflection varying as if it's his native language.

“Look, if you're going to continue to act like this, I have no choice but to,”

“Wait!” screams backup TE Doug Jolley (who, by all means, is lucky as fuck to still have a damn job). “I think I can be of service.”

“What, you can get him to open his mouth and articulate thoughts?”

“No, but I can come close.” And with that, Jolley begins speaking to Mason in his own form of growls.

“God, I feel like I'm simultaneously watching two episodes of Home Improvement.”

“Coach, Derrick apologizes for the growling,” says Jolley. “It's part of this condition he has. Apparently it's common for receivers who play for Kyle Boller.”

Mason lets out a growl with the inflection of, “uh huh.” Or “damn straight.” Or “fuck yeah.” Or, basically, anything that implies that Kyle Boller is an inept quarterback whose throwing skills are more suited for hustling than playing professional football.

“Well, then, hopefully Peyton can remedy that situation,” says Stalin. “Now someone find me the Moss brothers. I could use a toke.”

As if he willed it to happen, Sinorice sprints to the coach's door, panting. “Coach, coach! Something's happened on the field.”

“What is it, boy?”

“I think Vanderjagt just broke Peyton's leg!”

Dun dun dun.

The Bukkake Chronicles
Scene 1
Day 2

Comments:
I wrote my article before I read yours. Seriously, 2 home improvement references in consecutive posts.
 
Yeah WTF? Glad to know the guys at MFR are into the hip, new shows like "Home Improvement."

Kyle Boller sucks pretty bad.

Drafting Barlow was either the work of an idiot or genius. I'll hold off on my opinion.
 
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