Thursday, September 14, 2006


AFC East Week 2 Preview

This weekend was not supposed to involve much football. I spend roughly 90 percent of my time thinking about baseball, so I figured I’d spend 90 percent of my time on baseball, since it’s Red Sox weekend and all. But the Red Sox turned into a bunch of lepers, and I’m faced with the first Yanks-Red Sox series this decade that I don’t care about. Like so many of my friends, I’ll forget baseball exists on Sunday (and Saturday for that matter) and enjoy me some Week Two.

Buffalo (+6.5) over MIAMI

It’s not so much that Miami sucks, it’s just that many people think they’re better than they are. Or at least that’s the way it was heading into Week One. Hopefully people have learned quickly, and we can all agree that they’ll finish 7-9 or 8-8.

One of these eight wins should be against the Buffalo Bills; I just don’t think it’ll be by a touchdown. Follow me if you will: If last week is an accurate indicator, Miami at full strength is about as good as the Patriots were last week. Ergo, they should be able to produce a similar result, beating Buffalo by less than a TD or losing. Either way, taking Buffalo and their 6.5 points makes sense.

Culpepper: Do you have him on your team? Do you have another quarterback not named “Brooks,” “Losman,” “Favre,” or “Plummer?” Well, then, you might want to consider starting him.

Losman: I think I pretty much covered him. Right?

Brown: Hard to imagine he’ll score two TDs on the Bills defense. Maybe one, probably none, though he should improve on his meager 30 yards from last week. You were probably better off taking the top QB on the board if you took Brown in the Top 5.

MacGahee: As I surely mentioned last week, I’m a MacGahee burn victim from 2005. I hate him, and he stinks. I won’t wish injury upon him, but I will put a hex on him. And his children. And his children’s children.

Chambers: Many thought Culpepper would complement him well. Instead, he’s turning him into the next Nate Burleson. Being outscored by Marty Booker does not bode well. He could just as easily do it again this week.

Evans: Suffered from the same affliction as Chambers; shitty QB, outscored by second receiver. Let’s see if we can find a trend this year in shitty quarterbacks hitting their No. 2 option more frequently than No. 1.

Randy McMichael: I had high hopes for McMichael this season, but much like Chambers, he’s been derailed by Culpepper. I’m not saying don’t start him; I’m just saying be prepared to play Find the Tight End on the waiver wire every Monday morning.

Robert Royal: The Bills have a Tight End? Where was I when that happened?

New England (-6) over NEW YORK
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to bet on it

It pains me in every possible way, especially considering the tampering charges filed by the Patriots this week, to pick the Patriots here. I want to believe that the Jets have a decent team, but last week reeks of aberration. Gun to my head, forced to make a bet on this game, I would have no problem taking the Jets. However, wanting to retain some degree of objectivity, I can’t reasonably pick them.

Honestly, do you believe that the Patriots played to their fullest capability last week? I’m not even delving into potential here; I’m talking full up, present capability. There’s no way they’ll lay a second consecutive stinker for division opponents. Their defense is much more capable than the Titans, as is their offense. And, if that’s not enough, Bill Belichick is probably working overtime on his gameplan. Think about how much work you could get done if you perpetually slurped coffee and didn’t require sleep. That’s how prepared Belichick is for this game.

Pennington: You have to be impressed with his Week 1 performance. And by “impressed,” I mean “probably should have picked him instead of Brian Griese in the draft.” I fully blame that pick on the marijuana. All the other picks were mine.

Brady: You think he’s going to toss a pair of pick this week? He’s no Kerry Collins, folks. Even without Branch, he should find plenty of holes in the Jets secondary. You have to wonder how pissed Brady is, though, that they let Deion Branch go. It’s not just that they let him go, but it’s that they refused to pay him when Brady took less money so that the Patriots could afford him a supporting cast. Never trust a Kraft.

Barlow?: You have to figure he’s the starter, because, as I’ve stated at least once a day this week, Derrick Blaylock is completely worthless. Why the Jets signed a Chiefs running back castoff is beyond me. It’s like signing a pitcher let go by the Braves. Just ask the Diamondbacks, who are paying Russ Ortiz to sit on his couch and masturbate. Anyway, I’ve got Barlow, and I’m not starting him, if that’s any indication.

Dillon: I don’t know why I’m listing him, since the Pats have Laurence Maroney, a sexy fantasy pick, and Kevin Faulk, who led the Pats running backs in points last week. It’s just that…fuck it, I’ve got nothing. I hope you don’t have a Patriots running back in your starting lineup unless you’re playing me.

Coles: You know all that kissy kissy hubbub about Lav Coles being Pennington’s favorite target? Well, turns out it’s true. Obvious homosexuals whose performances dropped off significantly when separated, Pennington and Coles are back together, pitching and catching with the flow only lovers can exhibit. Though, Pennington may be gunning for the elusive three-way with Jerricho Cotchery. I wonder if Coles is into that kinda thing.

Not Deion Branch: Okay, so it’s Reche Caldwell, and I liked him between his injuries in San Diego. He was never real good in Madden, though, which irked me to no end. He’s not a No. 1 receiver by any means, but Tom Brady has done quite well in the past with a group of receivers absent a No. 1.

Baker: Early in camp, they said Jolley would start, but they traded him to Tampa Bay. After Mike Nugent showed that he’s not quite worthy of a second round pick, Jets fans are giving a posthumous boo to the team for a trading flub that netted them Nuge and Jolly when they could have just drafted Heath Miller. Anyway, I picked up Baker on the waiver wire because he’s decent in the red zone. That, of course, is contingent on Pennington being as good as he displayed last week. Too many ifs to start him.

Watson: Dude’s good, and the Jets don’t exactly have a linebacker matched up well enough to cover him. As a betting man, I’d put decent money on Watson scoring a TD this week.

It's funny to me how wildly opinion of Culpepper has swung - from "he'll have a fresh start and a running game!" to "wait, he still sucks!" How was this guy once a Pro Bowl quarterback? It's not like he got old, he just sucks.
A few more mediocre or bad weeks will have me fully convinced that he was only good because of Randy Moss.

I'm only partially convinced right now.
Without Moss or the ability to run, Culpepper is an average QB. As for McGahee, I think he could put up better numbers if Losman didn't suck so bad.
On one hand, I want to agree with you about McGahee. On the other, fuck that guy and his fantasy-ruining 2005.
I'm with you, Joseph. McGahee KILLED me last year, to the point that even though he was a recommended 1st round pick, I couldn't justify holding onto him in my keeper league. Upside - I got Stephen Jackson instead.
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