Wednesday, August 30, 2006

 

Shit Talk: On the Road Edition

On Monday night I ventured across the street to the White Horse Tavern for their excellent $4 burger special, and to take in the somewhat relevant MNF game. A gentleman next to me was on his laptop, preparing to do his fantasy draft. First, I heard him spout off that he had the last pick out of ten in the league, and that this meant the league was already a loss (considering that Peyton Manning got taken at the third pick over SHAUN ALEXANDER in that run-heavy-scoring league, I'm pretty sure he has a fighting chance against those morons). Second, he waved around his "big board around".

It was hardly a big board, it was more like a list of who Yahoo pre-ranked at each of his first 10 picks. And he apparently didn't do the math right. Somehow he throught he had 2 picks out of every 11 picks.

I ended up being recruited as a sort of draft buddy, as my curiosity at his pick and rankings made me a good candidate for this. With his first pick he stuck to his board, taking Steve Smith and completely ignoring Stephen Jackson who fell to the 12th overall pick in that neanderthal league, among way too many other steals to mention.

He must have done his pre-draft homework while he was shitfaced watching the Pats game Saturday. It was time to put the fear of god in him. We at the DTAAAFL were quality shit-talkers in the draft room; we made up fake injuries, falsely claimed we had players tank on us last year, and applauded horrifyingly bad picks to hopefully boost confidence enough to make another risky pick. Sometimes you've got to take it on the road.

"Who's going to be the big QB this year?"
"Kurt Warner, brah. The buzzsaw is gonna kill it this year."

I started it off politely. This was decent advice as Anquan Boldin was on the market for some god-forsaken reason. He takes Tony Gonzalez. I nearly had kittens. This night can only get better.

He casually asks who's overrated this year. I spout off that it's Tiki Barber, and that Little Manning is going to have to carry the team. Without a blink he takes little Manning with the 3 pick. Not terrible at this point, but Palmer, Brady, and Hasslebeck may find themselves having more success (especially Palmer after the MNF fireworks show).

At this point an earlier discussion of Chad Johnson comes back up. I was setting up a possible future booched pick by saying that Johnson will definitely spend serious time suspended for celebrating. All I am asked is "so if Johnson isn't playing, who's Palmer's open option?" Wham, he takes T.J. "Who'sYaMamma" as Chad so eloquently put it. Sprinkled throughout the rest of the teams making picks, I shit talked them with the usual fake injuries and fake news items... all of which the table agreed with.

"Defense gets you so many points, I don't know why people draft backup wideouts before your number 2 source of points". At no specific suggestion of my own at all, he takes "THA' D"... Baltimore Ravens. At no point until now did I actually suggest a player. Even specifically giving bad advice I had to note that he was 5 rounds deep with NO RUNNING BACK. At this point I make my only direct suggestion. "If LJ gets hurt, Priest Holmes could pull off the reverse of last year". When he woke up in the morning and saw that Holmes is on the physically unable to perform list, he likely felt like he got punched in the balls. I'm probably going to hell for that. It was time to go, I didn't feel like buying more than one beer when I had a few in the fridge at home.

Am I a douchebag? Probably. Is he a bigger douchebag? Certainly. If anyone came up to me during my draft and offered me advice, I'd be spouting out "get the hell away from me" faster than a public masturbator says it to a creepy investigative reporter.

Comments:
Brilliant, just brilliant.

If only you convinced him to take Dominick Davis.
 
Davis is going to have a career year.
 
Shithead prolly had it coming.
 
Kevin, I assume that by "career year" you mean "career ending year."
 
Did you also tell him Rex Grossman is the next tom brady....or that thomas jones is a steal...
 
Wait, he's still playing?
 
outtake:

"It's pretty cool that Randy Moss is finally happy where he's playing"
 
I hear Corey Dillon just got run over by a runaway Zamboni.
 
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