Wednesday, August 30, 2006

 

Hangin' With Mr. Cooper


Hey there. I look familiar? I’m Cooper Manning. No, I’m not the Manning that plays for the Colts. That’s my little brother, Peyton. No, I don’t play for the Giants either. That’s my other little brother, Eli. I’m Cooper. C-O-O-P-E-R. That’s right, Cooper. No, I won’t get you their fucking autographs. Wait, I’m sorry, yeah I probably could do that. I think I have some five by sevens at home. Glossies. Real nice. You want their phone numbers? I don’t know. Let me think about it.

What happened to me? Oh, nothing. Some disease. Yeah, I would have been awesome. It’s cool now, though. I sell insurance. Which is interesting, because we have this great new policy that I think would be perfect for you. Eli and Peyton just bought one. Archie too.

Peyton? Yeah, he’s pretty good, I guess. I was actually a better athlete. Seriously. I carried his ass in high school. Not to brag, but when we were kids I used to kick Peyton’s ass all the time. I used to tea bag that little shit, give him dutch ovens, whatever. Know what else? He was a choker even back then. There was this other kid down the street Peyton could never beat. Monopoly, basketball, Madden, whatever. I swear that kid looked just like Tom Brady. I think his name was Billy.

All that pre-snap stuff Peyton does? My idea. Yeah, he totally copied that shit from me. Too bad you can’t copyright stuff like that. Not that I’m looking for credit. And Eli? Don’t get me started on that wuss. Every time we picked teams, he just had to be on Dad’s team or he’d pitch a fit. Fucking crybaby. Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love Eli. He and Peyton are gonna help me open a new restaurant. Sort of like “Shula’s”--but way classier.

Know what? I used to get more trim than Eli and Peyton combined. No shit. They were always playing football. 24-7. Not me. And I never had a problem coming through in the clutch, if you know what I mean.

You gotta go? You sure? Wait. Ever hear of the Manning Passing Academy? Of course I fucking work there! Who do you think catches the balls thrown by those punk kids? Not Eli. And certainly not Peyton. No sir. Not the greatest QB who ever lived. No way. Are you kidding?! Little brother might bruise his hand or shoulder. Can’t have that. “Where’s Peyton? Where’s Eli?” That’s all I hear from those kids. It’s the MANNING Passing Academy you little a-holes. Peyton and Eli won’t be here until Sunday. And no, you don’t get a god damn refund. Read the brochure. Now stop whining and hit me, I’m going deep.

Ok, well nice talking to you. Here’s my card.

Comments:
Hey at least he didn't choke in the big game it was a disease that held him down....
 
Im laughing with Cooper, not at him.
 
I only hope someone submitted this in time for the Leftovers section.
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
Its a fucking echo chamber in here. I need to get my mom to start visting this blog. My geode must be acknowledged.
 
Funny Post...I love how Cooper looks like Patrick Bateman. It looks like in that picture, he is in the middle of getting head and is plotting how to kill the lady.
 
He is rather smug looking considering he doesn't actually play in the NFL.
 
I was really wanting to know about the oldest Manning. But his language turned me off. I now have a different filling about the Manning family
 
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