Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Haikus are Hai-cool!

In honor of the week that was in Deadspin, and feeling true inspiration, I penned this round-by-round mecha-haiku which I call "The Birth of the Drowning Mice". I hope you enjoy it.

First some not-so-quick background - when Commissioner Ricks proposed releasing the draft selection order 2 by 2 "to add some fun and suspense" to the league, I was all for it. I figured I'd pop in every so often to read the latest updates, laugh at a couple jokes that were made on the boards and go back to my merry little day at work. Sounds like a plan, right? Wrong. Once the first set was released - picks 8 and 9 - and I wasn't one of them, I became obsessed. All work ceased. I needed to know my pick - and it had to be good. Suddenly, this was the most important thing in my world. That's right, getting a high draft pick in a fantasy football league full of a bunch of guys who I only know from their sarcastic one-liners in the comments section of a blog that we all enjoy reading (and by know, I mean I could be taking the train with all of them every morning and wouldn't even know it) became my number 1 priority for those few hours as the picks came out. They kept coming, but no sign of the Drowning Mice. Back and forth went my certainty that I was getting the top pick and certainty that I was going to end up with Dom Davis as my top RB, until the Commish made that final announcement... the Drowning Mice will be selecting first overall. I was genuinely excited! Why? I'm not quite sure. It took only 2 minutes for the sobering reality of a 16 team draft to sink in and for me to realize my 2nd best player will be the 32nd overall pick in the draft. Add to that the realization that I was going to make the tough decision between LJ, LT and the Madden curse, and my unneccessary anxiety increased even more. I now knew how the Texans felt - sometimes you just don't want to make the decision. Sometimes you want the decision made for you. I thought: is it possible to trade draft picks in a fantasy league? I envied that #3 pick now. I also envied my officemate for leaving work at that moment, because I still had about 4 hours of work piled up in front of me for spending all afternoon on a Yahoo! message board. This was going to be fun...

Further background - draft day was looming and I was realizing that my most important decision of the night was going to happen long before the magic Yahoo! room appeared on the screen. I had a major conflict. I had to make a decision that has plagued sports geeks since the dawn of time. Fantasy sports or reality sports? I play hockey - and its one of the top 3 most important things in my life right behind ice cream and chicken breast...oh wait, that was my grocery list -it's right behind family and Mrs. Handsomeface. My team had a game that night, so I went with the obvious decision of reality over fantasy. I couldn't let the Awesom-o Yahoo! robot autopick my team for me though, so I came up with a plan. I was going to bring my cell phone on the bench with me and call in my picks to one of my friends who was going to do the drafting for me. If I didn't get a pick in to him, no big deal - I'll let him use his football knowledge and make an educated pick for me. Too bad all my football-knowledgable friends couldn't help me out that night. I had to call on the girlfriend to do the drafting. The one that thinks fantasy football is what is played on pay per view at halftime of the Super Bowl. The one that would probably take Tom Brady first overall because she's read about him in People magazine. This was not going to be easy or fun, but anything's better than Awesom-o making my picks, so I asked her. She surprisingly said yes, foregoing a night of solid Grey's Anatomy watching so she could sit in front of the computer and wait for my phone calls. She was a trooper for that. Too bad she couldn't keep up with the speed and ferocity of the picks as they flew off the board (I think the chat option threw her off a bit) and could not write down who was off the board. So, there I was, out of breath & sweating in full gear, sitting on the bench with a phone pressed up to my ear cursing because she didn't know if Reggie Bush, Chad Johnson or any QBs had been taken yet. The clock was ticking and I had to resort to the good ole pre-draft rankings to make my picks. So my wonderfully elaborate plan ended up being nothing more than a human implementation of the Awesom-o autopicks. Hell, at least my hockey team won, cause I fear that the Drowning Mice might not do much of the same...

"The Birth of the Drowning Mice"

Round 1:
First pick is tough, but/the new grandmama it is/Please don't be a fluke

Round 2:
The second round sucks/when you have the sixteenth pick/but I'm a 'phins fan

Round 3:
Of starting RB's/Droughns is the best of what's left/Shit, who's my QB?

Round 4:
My fourth overall/every team needs a porn 'stache/Pray no I-N-Ts
Sweating on the phone/not because of hockey game/because Plummer sucks

Round 5:
"But wait" I shouted/Defense wins championships!/I say Hooray Bears!

Round 6:
Round 6, need tight end/All meastly tight ends taken/McNabb's guy will do

Round 7:
Wideout or kicker?/I have 1 Smith, why not 2?/Old legs fail me not

Round 8:
1 round later and/already don't like tight end/Take Brady's guy now

Round 9:
Last year's sleeper-bust/could be better this year with/no sex boat problems

Round 10:
Autopick kicks in/why is Brooks a good tenth pick?/I'll sell more jerseys

Round 11:
Kicker is needed/Carolina's big foot can/help to score some points

Round 12:
Should have stopped right here/Autopick is killing me/who is C.Jackson?

Round 13:
gotta love this pick/not because he'll be good, 'cause/I'll need roster room

Round 14:
yup, another waste/misters irrelevant suck/goodbye Detroit D

Post-Draft Thoughts:
The Mice are solid/Swim, stupid fuckin mouse, swim/to top of DAAAFFL*

(*= prounounced daf-ill)

Tell me Awesome-O, are you a pleasure model? Props to your old lady.
Chad Jackson. Pats rookie wideout. A MONSTER in Madden if you pump him up in a couple of training camps.
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