Thursday, August 24, 2006

 

For Those of You That Are Interested (all 16 of you)

As was mentioned below, last night was DAAAFFL's first annual fantasy draft. The turnout was fantastic as expected, though personally, I blacked out after my third pick (which would explain why I woke up this morning with Charlie Frye, Priest Holmes and Curtis Martin on my team, but I digress). Too many Endurance Ale's followed by Budwesier (diesel) followed by Rolling Rock. It got ugly.

Anyhoo, I promised our loyal readers a draft review and a draft review they will get (an abbreviated one, I'll go over some picks I felt were important after the first few rounds). The first round and second round will include team names, after that it'll just be player names, because I am fucking lazy, and should probably be doing some real work instead. I might have a thing or two to say about the round, and the picks. If anyone has any recollection of what transpired in the chat, feel free to throw it in the comments. Here we go,

Round 1

1. Drowning Mice - Larry Johnson
2. Blaine (MO) - Ladainian Tomlinson
3. holley Mangold's Gash - Shaun Alexander
4. Mary Beth's Box - Stephen Jackson
5. MV'sShinyNeonAss - Ronnie Brown
6. Bukkake Squad - Chessning
7. Jay Mariotti's Binky - Coach Janky Spanky
8. Ohio is for Lovers - Tiki Barber
9. BiggerThanJezus - Edge
10. LickMyLovePump - Rudi Johnson
11. BackfieldPenetration - Starvin' Marvin Harrison
12. Got The Ass - Lamont Jordan
13. Carl Monday is God - Steve Smith
14. OopsIShitTheTub - Larry Fitzgerald
15. SummersEve&TheDBags - Cadillac
16. Orton's Drinkers - Willis McGahee

I don't know if anyone noticed, but 2...count them 2...Cardinals went in the first round (and as you'll see, 3 actually went in the Top 20. I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I am currently typing this, shaking in the corner of my neighborhood fallout shelter. Anybody reading this will also question the decision to pick Jackson at 4 and Brown at 5 before more distinguished fantasy players such as Tiki, Edge or Manning. Jackson, I believe, is poised for a breakout year and could very well rack up the fantasy points under Marshall Faulk's tutelage. Ronnie Brown, now that there are no questions about who will be the starting tailback, may run circles around the defenses of the AFC East. I like everyone's picks n the first round, and I look forward to the first major injury (Madden Curse PLEASE go away).

Round 2
1. Orton's Drinkers - That young handsome quarterback of the New England Patriots
2. SummersEve - Anquan Boldin
3. OopsIShitTheTub - Antonio Gates
4. Carl Monday - Chad Johnson
5. Got The Ass- Randy Moss
6. Backfield - Julius Jones
7. LovePump - Domanick Davis
8. Jezus - Torry Holt
9. Ohio is for Lovers - Brian Westbrook
10. Mariotti's Binky - M. Hasselbeck
11. Bukkake - Reggie Bush
12. MV'sNeonAss - TO
13. MB's Box - Reggie Wayne
14. HM's Gash - Jake Delhomme
15 Blaine (MO) - Hines Ward
16. The Drowning Mice - Chris Chambers

Antonio Gates is a fucking machine, in case nobody paid attention last year, I wanted him with the 30th pick, but he went to the tub shitter. Tom Brady with the 17th pick is risky because he wins games with that dink and dunk bullshit, he murdered me when I had him 2 years ago. The question marks from round 2 are Reggie Bush, will he start? How many touches will he get? How many of his friends and family will be arrested before the end of the season? TO, will he throw Bledsoe under a bus? Parcells? Drew Rosenhaus? Your mom? Will Brian Westbrook manage not to suck this year, will Chad Johnson break the NFL record for fines in a year (okay that has nothing to do with fantasy, but still, it's a legit question). Can Julius Jones wrestle touches away from Marion Barber and will Hines Ward stop fucking smiling already? Jesus!

Round 3
1. R. Droughns
2. Lil' Manning
3. tony Gonzalez
4. P. Burress
5. Ro. Williams
6. Santananana Moss
7. D. Driver
8. Carson Palmer
9. Willie Parker
10. Andre Johnson
11. Javon Walker
12. C. Taylor
13. Warrick Dunn
14. C. Dillon
15. D. Foster
16. T. houshmandzdahehehdehfthtg

Dunn was a steal late in the third even if he is splitting carries with that fat fuck TJ Duckett, TJ Houshmandzadeh was also a steal. Driver and Walker have The Jake Plummer throwing to them (and he hasn't even been drafted yet) so they are a risk. Somebody tell Tony Gonzales to catch some fucking touchdowns this year. Thank You.

Round 4
1. D. Jackson
2. D. McNabb
3. D. Culpepper
4. J. Addai
5. M. Bulger
6. T. Green
7. D. Bledsoe
8. J. Shockey
9. J. Witten
10. J. Lewis
11. A. Crumpler
12. T. Heap
13. B. Leftwich
14. J. Horn
15. D. Branch
16. Chicago D

Round 4 saw 6 QB's, 4 TE's and our first Defense taken. Question marks are firmly implanted above the heads of Culpepper and McNabb, Addai in the fourth round is a stretch since the starting job isn't necessarily his yet, Jamal Lewis needs to stop selling crack or murdering people or whatever the fuck it is that they do in Baltimore (get STDs). For those interested Joe Horn has been traded by HG's Gash to Got the Ass for Drew Brees and Fred Taylor Insurance.

Round 5
1. The Snake
2. McCardell
3. Fred Taylor and every groin joke that goes with him
4. K. Jones
5. K. Warner
6. D. Mason
7. R. McMichael
8. L. Coles
9. J. Galloway
10. M. Muhammad
11. Deuce
12. L. Evans
13. Dominic Rhodes
14. Reg. Brown
15. L. Maroney
16. F. Gore

Round 5 saw a number of insurance pick ups (McAllister, Rhodes, Maroney) as well as Jake "the snake" Plummer and Kurt "the devout" Warner. Both QB's, of course, may be supplanted by the end of the year by rookies Cutler and Leinart.

Round 6
Interesting picks included Indianapolis's defense going to SummersEve (bastard, they won me my league last year) the first Kicker, the immortal Neil Rackers, went to the TubShitter, Toothlessberger went to Carl Monday, Everyone's favorite white clown Chris Cooley went. Retirement cocktease and interception tossing extraordinaire Brett Favre went to Jezus.

Round 7
Two Denver RB's with the last name Bell went 4 picks away from one another, two fat fucks (LenDale White and TJ Duckett went one after another and SummerEve took Ron Mexico.

The Second Hald
Notable Picks in the last 7 rounds:

Kyle Boller - Round 14, S. Mcnair - Round 8, Matt Schaub - Round 13, Matt Leinart - Round 14, Vince Young - Round 10, Chad Pennington - Round 10, Jon Kitna - Round 10, Josh McCown - Round 12, Priest Holmes - Round 13, Curtis Martin - Round 14, Ron Dayne - Round 9, Samkon Gado - Round 14, Kellen Winslow - Round 11, Phillip Rivers - Round 8, Chris Henry - Round 13, Koren Robinson - Round 14 (already dropped).

I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to this season, and I am excited to do a premiership type fantasy league with the League of ExtraOrdinary Deadspin Posters. We all know how funny it would be to see the likes of Will Leitch or any of our favorite Deadspin commenters slumming with us down here next year while some of our elite teams make the move up.

I'm sure this entire interweb is looking forward to not only our league but also the daily fantasy football blurbs by our excellent group of commenters.*

Can't wait for Holley Mangold's Gash to do battle with Mary Beth's Box in week 10, the world will never be the same.


*Note: By excellent group of commenters I mean a bunch of degenerate alcoholics who are unproductive in their daily lives and spend their time doing fantasy football and posting on Deadspin.

Update: Our good friends a Kissing Suzy Kolber put up a post about their draft which is a much quicker and more entertaining read than the one you presumably just got finished with. I suggest taking a look, and then expressing your sympathy for MMP's shitty draft in their comments section.

Comments:
As the drafter of Jackson in the 4 hole- here was my thinking. First, his hair is way cooler than Tiki's-who is either bald or cultivating the bald look. Anyone? I also think Barber had a career year last season- no way he puts up those same numbers this year. Gotta think that 2nd year back in NY is going to steal some TDs from him this season. Also don't think Edge will be as productive without Manning.

I think Jackson will get more touches without Martz calling plays.

Enjoyed reading your review. As for Dunn, he no longer has to share ball with Tubby Duckett as they shipped (and I mean that literally) his ass to DC. As for Jamal Lewis, I don't think he was selling crack- he's just getting ready for his upcoming role in "The Wire." You know those method actors.
 
Koren was in my draft order as tribute.

I never get any production out of my last 5 picks, why try or care?
 
Sort of like Matt Millen- except with his first round picks.
 
I am not a degenerate!

I'm still sore about Kellen Winslow getting taken after I had passed on him the round before, but I suppose I do have Heap.

I hated my Warner pick, but otherwise, I like my draft. And my mom is fully capable of defending herself against TO.

Fred Gore with the last pick in the fifth round looks like a steal to me.

No offense to the people who took them, but I think the two big overdrafts were Brady and Bush in Round 2. Who knows though? Brady has helped me win before, and Bush might be starting sooner rather than later.
 
I can't believe I blanked on Duckett, my bad
 
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