Friday, August 25, 2006


Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be used to prevent earthquakes.

Here at Deadspin's AAA Affiliate, we do things a little differently. We're not into things like statistics or scouting reports. We don't care if someone's arm is off. It's only a flesh wound, after all. We just know that if Edgerrin James floats, he'll probably score us 18 points a week. Or he's a witch.

So on Wednesday, the 23rd of August, all the Bruces in the league got together and did a quick draft, with a minimum of fuss, much joviality, and of course, no poofters.

It's my pleasure, fellow Bruces, to analyze my draft for the merriment of all. In addition to being a Bruce, I'm also known as Bowdenx3 on Deadspin.

I went into the draft with three goals.

First, draft Stephen Jackson.

Second, spend my second and third picks on wide receivers.

Third, try to get a decent quarterback, at least one better than Kurt Warner.

Fourth . . .

I went into the draft with four goals.

First, draft Stephen Jackson.

Second, spend my second . . .

You get the point.

Things didn't really go quite as planned. It seems that no one expected to take Portis or Tiki in the top 5, and Jackson got snatched up with the fourth pick. This left me with Ronnie Brown, who I'm less confident about, but still comfortable with.

I took Terrell Owens with the 28th pick, and if Bill Parcells kisses TO's owie before Week 1 and makes the boo-boo go away, I think he'll be ok. And if he's playing, I think Owens with the 28th pick is a steal. Perhaps better, Roy Williams fell to me with the 37th pick. This was pretty much what I wanted to do with these two picks, and surprisingly, it went off well.

Taking Todd Heap in the fourth round was probably a bad idea. I was reacting to the previous 4 picks, which saw Crumpler, Witten and Shockey fly off the board. Worse, QBs were going like crazy, forcing me into taking Kurt Warner with my 5th pick.

Things settled in after that, with some interesting banter being exchanged about local beers, and I suspect, several Bruces partaking of said local beers.

I like most of my other picks - Ahman Green might be healthy, and Troy Williamson might make the most of his talent. Michael Jenkins might find gold if Ron Mexico finds consistency, and Chris Henry might not get arrested again.

I figure if two of the four pan out, I'll have done well.

Chris Simms makes a decent backup if Warner shits the bed, which I can't imagine will happen given his #1 and #2 receivers, but that just means it probably will.

I'm actually very happy with my kicker and defense. I took Washington a bit early, and they play in what might be a tough division, but I think they'll rise to the occasion. And Matt Stover, even though he's pretty mundane, should get plenty of opportunities with a better offense this year.

The other big moment of excitement came when Blaine (MO) Players stole Kellen Winslow in the 11th round or so. I had Heap, but I was looking for some insurance, and I think Winslow was a great sleeper pick, especially in round 11.

So I'm starting the following team of philosophers -

QB - Kurt Warner aka Georg Wilhelm Fredrich Hegel

RB - Ronnie Brown aka Schopenhauer

WR - Terrell Owens aka Socrates
WR - Roy Williams aka Plato

W/R - Ahman Green aka David Hume

TE - Todd Heap aka Wittgenstein

K - Matt Stover aka Maimonides

DEF - Washington aka The Pyrrhonian Skepticist Movement

I already know I'm going to enjoying playing in this league - we already have a trade in the works, and our Yahoo! Message Board has become so clunky and overloaded that we've opened up an ezBoard for a better discussion format.

What's more, my team (Mo Vaughn's Shiny Neon Ass), is matched up with Got the Ass in Week 1, which promises to be a duel of the most ass-tastic proportions. And of course, I can't wait until Mo Vaughn's Shiny Neon Ass goes up against Holly Mangold's Gash.

And since we've made trash talking mandatory, I'd like to leave you with the following image of what my team will be doing to yours.

that ESPN FF rule of "taking two RB's first" is bogus. if you have the choice between a top wideout and a RB on a mediocre team, it's no question
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