Saturday, August 26, 2006

 

The Bukkake Chronicles, Scene 1

INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY

PEYTON MANNING, newly drafted quarterback for the Bukkake Squad, unpacks his belongings into a locker. The blue carpeted room is lined with 43 lockers, each labeled with the name of its inhabitant. They are all empty, save for that of Manning, who is soaking in the aural tones of Kenny Chesney’s “Summertime.”* The pleasant, soothing aroma of Glade Plug-Ins wafts through the room, evidence that the season hasn’t quite started yet.

After placing most of his garb into the locker, Manning removes one last item from his bag: a cardboard cylindrical tube. A posted is excised from the tube and hung up on the back wall of Manning’s locker.



MANNING
Channel the Brady. Don’t think about the pressure. WWBD. What Would Brady Do?


A tall character enters the room, looming over Manning’s shoulder.

MIKE VANDERJAGT
He would lead this team to the DTAAAFL Bowl title this year. Which is more than can be said for you, choke artist.


Manning does a quick 180.

MANNING
Well, I guess the GM thinks highly of kickers with low I.Q.s

VANDERJAGT
And QBs who crap the bed in the playoffs.

MANNING
Hey, listen to that. Our idiot kicker so conveniently forgets that he missed the game-tying field goal against the Steelers last year.

VANDERJAGT
What? Is there someone else in the room? Who are you talking to?

MANNING
A big fat idiot.

VANDERJAGT
I know you are, but what am I?

MANNING
A big fat idiot.

VANDERJAGT
I know you are, but what…


The faint sounds of a funky hip-hop beat can be heard approaching, gaining in volume by the second. The attentions of Manning and Vanderjagt are diverted to the door. As the perpetrators get closer, the words, "If your ho only know that she was getting’ fucked on the 7th floor," can be heard. And, to no one’s surprise at this point, the Brothers Moss strut into the room with a train of hos in tow.

MANNING
Hey! This is a players only locker room. Your, uh, friends can’t be here.

SANTANA MOSS
Chill, yo. We ain’t practicin’ yet. We just wanted these hos to see what we all about.

HO NO. 1
Did you just call us hos?

SANTANA
I meant it in a complimentary way.

HO NO. 1
Oh, okay.


SINORICE MOSS, after dropping his belongings at the foot of his locker, reaches into a bag and pulls out a small bong – which expands into quite a large bong.

VANDERJAGT
Oh, sweet! Retractable bong!

MANNING
What? You can’t do that in the locker room, either!

SINORICE
Well, I figure if I practice high, play the game high, I’ll score high points.

VANDERJAGT
I’m down with that.

SANTANA
Yeah, I’ll fucks wit ya.

MANNING
This is not the way this team will be run! Wait till coach gets here. He’ll clear things up.


Right on cue, ROCKIN JOE STALIN pops his head in the door.

ROCKIN JOE STALIN
What is that, a strain of Northern Lights?

SINORICE
Hell yeah, bro.

ROCKIN JOE
I’m definitely hittin’ that.


Sinorice lights the bong as Rockin Joe takes a mighty pull. Vanderjagt follows in tow.

VANDERJAGT
Wait, coach, aren’t you the guitarist in Tyrannosaurus Rox?

ROCKIN JOE
One and the same.


Santana takes a hit, and without offering one to the hos, the cypher starts again with Sinorice.

MANNING
Can I request a trade?


*Kenny Chesney sucks, and I had to look up a popular song of his that wasn't called, "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy," because, well, tractors aren't sexy at all. Unless you want a ho with gap teeth and varicose veins.

Comments:
I imagine a real argument between Manning and Vanderjagt would be very much like that.
 
You can't have too many references to the 7th Floor Crew.
 
Note to self: Somehow work dialogue into next post, might actually be entertaining next time. Good stuff Stalin.
 
Tom Brady's response:

Besides the fact that Manning is a choke artist, he is no where near as pretty a man as I am. Who is his girlfriend or wife not Brigette Monyahan that's for sure. At least his dad bagged a homecoming queen.

I thought it was funny except my gf thought it was poor writing at that point I informed here that we're men we dont need no stinkin grammar.

Paul purduepaul78----add me to the contributors please

Orton's Drinkers
 
Well, I just posted my draft review, and having reread this, I feel completely inadequte. Well done sir.
 
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