Wednesday, August 30, 2006

 

Haikus are Hai-cool!

In honor of the week that was in Deadspin, and feeling true inspiration, I penned this round-by-round mecha-haiku which I call "The Birth of the Drowning Mice". I hope you enjoy it.

First some not-so-quick background - when Commissioner Ricks proposed releasing the draft selection order 2 by 2 "to add some fun and suspense" to the league, I was all for it. I figured I'd pop in every so often to read the latest updates, laugh at a couple jokes that were made on the boards and go back to my merry little day at work. Sounds like a plan, right? Wrong. Once the first set was released - picks 8 and 9 - and I wasn't one of them, I became obsessed. All work ceased. I needed to know my pick - and it had to be good. Suddenly, this was the most important thing in my world. That's right, getting a high draft pick in a fantasy football league full of a bunch of guys who I only know from their sarcastic one-liners in the comments section of a blog that we all enjoy reading (and by know, I mean I could be taking the train with all of them every morning and wouldn't even know it) became my number 1 priority for those few hours as the picks came out. They kept coming, but no sign of the Drowning Mice. Back and forth went my certainty that I was getting the top pick and certainty that I was going to end up with Dom Davis as my top RB, until the Commish made that final announcement... the Drowning Mice will be selecting first overall. I was genuinely excited! Why? I'm not quite sure. It took only 2 minutes for the sobering reality of a 16 team draft to sink in and for me to realize my 2nd best player will be the 32nd overall pick in the draft. Add to that the realization that I was going to make the tough decision between LJ, LT and the Madden curse, and my unneccessary anxiety increased even more. I now knew how the Texans felt - sometimes you just don't want to make the decision. Sometimes you want the decision made for you. I thought: is it possible to trade draft picks in a fantasy league? I envied that #3 pick now. I also envied my officemate for leaving work at that moment, because I still had about 4 hours of work piled up in front of me for spending all afternoon on a Yahoo! message board. This was going to be fun...

Further background - draft day was looming and I was realizing that my most important decision of the night was going to happen long before the magic Yahoo! room appeared on the screen. I had a major conflict. I had to make a decision that has plagued sports geeks since the dawn of time. Fantasy sports or reality sports? I play hockey - and its one of the top 3 most important things in my life right behind ice cream and chicken breast...oh wait, that was my grocery list -it's right behind family and Mrs. Handsomeface. My team had a game that night, so I went with the obvious decision of reality over fantasy. I couldn't let the Awesom-o Yahoo! robot autopick my team for me though, so I came up with a plan. I was going to bring my cell phone on the bench with me and call in my picks to one of my friends who was going to do the drafting for me. If I didn't get a pick in to him, no big deal - I'll let him use his football knowledge and make an educated pick for me. Too bad all my football-knowledgable friends couldn't help me out that night. I had to call on the girlfriend to do the drafting. The one that thinks fantasy football is what is played on pay per view at halftime of the Super Bowl. The one that would probably take Tom Brady first overall because she's read about him in People magazine. This was not going to be easy or fun, but anything's better than Awesom-o making my picks, so I asked her. She surprisingly said yes, foregoing a night of solid Grey's Anatomy watching so she could sit in front of the computer and wait for my phone calls. She was a trooper for that. Too bad she couldn't keep up with the speed and ferocity of the picks as they flew off the board (I think the chat option threw her off a bit) and could not write down who was off the board. So, there I was, out of breath & sweating in full gear, sitting on the bench with a phone pressed up to my ear cursing because she didn't know if Reggie Bush, Chad Johnson or any QBs had been taken yet. The clock was ticking and I had to resort to the good ole pre-draft rankings to make my picks. So my wonderfully elaborate plan ended up being nothing more than a human implementation of the Awesom-o autopicks. Hell, at least my hockey team won, cause I fear that the Drowning Mice might not do much of the same...

"The Birth of the Drowning Mice"

Round 1:
First pick is tough, but/the new grandmama it is/Please don't be a fluke

Round 2:
The second round sucks/when you have the sixteenth pick/but I'm a 'phins fan

Round 3:
Of starting RB's/Droughns is the best of what's left/Shit, who's my QB?

Round 4:
My fourth overall/every team needs a porn 'stache/Pray no I-N-Ts
Sweating on the phone/not because of hockey game/because Plummer sucks

Round 5:
"But wait" I shouted/Defense wins championships!/I say Hooray Bears!

Round 6:
Round 6, need tight end/All meastly tight ends taken/McNabb's guy will do

Round 7:
Wideout or kicker?/I have 1 Smith, why not 2?/Old legs fail me not

Round 8:
1 round later and/already don't like tight end/Take Brady's guy now

Round 9:
Last year's sleeper-bust/could be better this year with/no sex boat problems

Round 10:
Autopick kicks in/why is Brooks a good tenth pick?/I'll sell more jerseys

Round 11:
Kicker is needed/Carolina's big foot can/help to score some points

Round 12:
Should have stopped right here/Autopick is killing me/who is C.Jackson?

Round 13:
gotta love this pick/not because he'll be good, 'cause/I'll need roster room

Round 14:
yup, another waste/misters irrelevant suck/goodbye Detroit D

Post-Draft Thoughts:
The Mice are solid/Swim, stupid fuckin mouse, swim/to top of DAAAFFL*

(*= prounounced daf-ill)

 

Madden 07 and my draft recap

Having only been a deadspin commentor for around three months, I have laughed more times in my quiet work setting than I would like to admit. Being back in graduate school, there is nothing better than procrastinating while reading and commenting on blogs. That being said I will now give a recap of my draft which I would like to call....Damn it I had the last freakin pick in the first round....

Pick one: Willis McGahee: I was pissed enough that I had the last pick in the draft, so I took a "sleeper", or as some people would like to call them guys who didn't perform worth a crap last year. 1 leinie's down....some more to go

Pick Two: Tom Brady or Mr. Moynahan as I like to call him: Since there were not any real great running backs still around I decided to get Mr. Dreamy himself as my ex-girlfriend once called him. I have no real opinion about Mr. I couldn't start at Michigan except he sucked on NCAA.

Pick Three: T. J. Houseisareallygreatshow: I needed a WR desperatly as the good ones were being taken and with Carson Palmer looking like superman to green bay's Robin the boy blunder last monday night I stole him practically. Beer #4 down the hatch since drafting takes a long time when you are on the end

Pick Four: Darrell "Action Packed" Jackson: Again another steal at WR....

Pick Five: Frank Gore: I really wanted Laurence Malroney....really bad...he killed Purdue in the past he's gonna be really good....but since Malroney was taken two picks before I settled for Frank Gore....eh....you win some you lose some, however, the 69ers looked pretty good against the bears maybe he'll do well this year. Beer #7, pizza slice #3....mmm chicago pizza....

Pick Six: Dallas Clark, I would of liked to get a better TE but if the mongoose has a good of a year as he always does maybe he'll find clark a little more often....

By this point of the draft I was feeling pretty good....I was drunk by this time my last picks include a couple of maybes, a quarterback almost as crappy as Kyle Orton, and the bear pick in Desmond "I really suck" Clark. I did take Alexander's backup or so I thought, I am looking for that Madden 07 curse to take affect in about week 4 with a broken spine. I feel I had a very good draft overall and if certain teams don't lay an egg I'll be competitive in the league.

For Madden 07....wow...Having not bought a madden game since madden 04, the game play is a ton better than the NCAA 2006, 2005, 2004..... My rule of thumb is never start a franchise in the first year of the game, I always simulate the first season. I choose the bears, cause well I'm a bears fan. They went 8-8. I went through free agency then and got a lot of good quality OL and Shaun Rogers the DT stud ( no one except LT has run particually well versus me yet). I then traded Thomas Jones for Todd Heap, so I could actually pass to a tight end that could catch the ball. I started off on All-Pro and have gone 12-0 so far with no one really good in my last 4 matchups. The passing game is just as it has been for a while, however the AI on the computer is getting smarter when it comes to down versus run or pass. I can not wait to take the bears to the promise land of a Super bowl championship, something that in real life will not happen probably in my lifetime due to stupid Chicago ownership.

The best quote I saw about fantasy football which doesn't apply to me
"Fantasy football, its like dungeons and dragons for the kids who used to beat up the kids who played dungeons and dragons"

 

Hangin' With Mr. Cooper


Hey there. I look familiar? I’m Cooper Manning. No, I’m not the Manning that plays for the Colts. That’s my little brother, Peyton. No, I don’t play for the Giants either. That’s my other little brother, Eli. I’m Cooper. C-O-O-P-E-R. That’s right, Cooper. No, I won’t get you their fucking autographs. Wait, I’m sorry, yeah I probably could do that. I think I have some five by sevens at home. Glossies. Real nice. You want their phone numbers? I don’t know. Let me think about it.

What happened to me? Oh, nothing. Some disease. Yeah, I would have been awesome. It’s cool now, though. I sell insurance. Which is interesting, because we have this great new policy that I think would be perfect for you. Eli and Peyton just bought one. Archie too.

Peyton? Yeah, he’s pretty good, I guess. I was actually a better athlete. Seriously. I carried his ass in high school. Not to brag, but when we were kids I used to kick Peyton’s ass all the time. I used to tea bag that little shit, give him dutch ovens, whatever. Know what else? He was a choker even back then. There was this other kid down the street Peyton could never beat. Monopoly, basketball, Madden, whatever. I swear that kid looked just like Tom Brady. I think his name was Billy.

All that pre-snap stuff Peyton does? My idea. Yeah, he totally copied that shit from me. Too bad you can’t copyright stuff like that. Not that I’m looking for credit. And Eli? Don’t get me started on that wuss. Every time we picked teams, he just had to be on Dad’s team or he’d pitch a fit. Fucking crybaby. Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love Eli. He and Peyton are gonna help me open a new restaurant. Sort of like “Shula’s”--but way classier.

Know what? I used to get more trim than Eli and Peyton combined. No shit. They were always playing football. 24-7. Not me. And I never had a problem coming through in the clutch, if you know what I mean.

You gotta go? You sure? Wait. Ever hear of the Manning Passing Academy? Of course I fucking work there! Who do you think catches the balls thrown by those punk kids? Not Eli. And certainly not Peyton. No sir. Not the greatest QB who ever lived. No way. Are you kidding?! Little brother might bruise his hand or shoulder. Can’t have that. “Where’s Peyton? Where’s Eli?” That’s all I hear from those kids. It’s the MANNING Passing Academy you little a-holes. Peyton and Eli won’t be here until Sunday. And no, you don’t get a god damn refund. Read the brochure. Now stop whining and hit me, I’m going deep.

Ok, well nice talking to you. Here’s my card.

 

Shit Talk: On the Road Edition

On Monday night I ventured across the street to the White Horse Tavern for their excellent $4 burger special, and to take in the somewhat relevant MNF game. A gentleman next to me was on his laptop, preparing to do his fantasy draft. First, I heard him spout off that he had the last pick out of ten in the league, and that this meant the league was already a loss (considering that Peyton Manning got taken at the third pick over SHAUN ALEXANDER in that run-heavy-scoring league, I'm pretty sure he has a fighting chance against those morons). Second, he waved around his "big board around".

It was hardly a big board, it was more like a list of who Yahoo pre-ranked at each of his first 10 picks. And he apparently didn't do the math right. Somehow he throught he had 2 picks out of every 11 picks.

I ended up being recruited as a sort of draft buddy, as my curiosity at his pick and rankings made me a good candidate for this. With his first pick he stuck to his board, taking Steve Smith and completely ignoring Stephen Jackson who fell to the 12th overall pick in that neanderthal league, among way too many other steals to mention.

He must have done his pre-draft homework while he was shitfaced watching the Pats game Saturday. It was time to put the fear of god in him. We at the DTAAAFL were quality shit-talkers in the draft room; we made up fake injuries, falsely claimed we had players tank on us last year, and applauded horrifyingly bad picks to hopefully boost confidence enough to make another risky pick. Sometimes you've got to take it on the road.

"Who's going to be the big QB this year?"
"Kurt Warner, brah. The buzzsaw is gonna kill it this year."

I started it off politely. This was decent advice as Anquan Boldin was on the market for some god-forsaken reason. He takes Tony Gonzalez. I nearly had kittens. This night can only get better.

He casually asks who's overrated this year. I spout off that it's Tiki Barber, and that Little Manning is going to have to carry the team. Without a blink he takes little Manning with the 3 pick. Not terrible at this point, but Palmer, Brady, and Hasslebeck may find themselves having more success (especially Palmer after the MNF fireworks show).

At this point an earlier discussion of Chad Johnson comes back up. I was setting up a possible future booched pick by saying that Johnson will definitely spend serious time suspended for celebrating. All I am asked is "so if Johnson isn't playing, who's Palmer's open option?" Wham, he takes T.J. "Who'sYaMamma" as Chad so eloquently put it. Sprinkled throughout the rest of the teams making picks, I shit talked them with the usual fake injuries and fake news items... all of which the table agreed with.

"Defense gets you so many points, I don't know why people draft backup wideouts before your number 2 source of points". At no specific suggestion of my own at all, he takes "THA' D"... Baltimore Ravens. At no point until now did I actually suggest a player. Even specifically giving bad advice I had to note that he was 5 rounds deep with NO RUNNING BACK. At this point I make my only direct suggestion. "If LJ gets hurt, Priest Holmes could pull off the reverse of last year". When he woke up in the morning and saw that Holmes is on the physically unable to perform list, he likely felt like he got punched in the balls. I'm probably going to hell for that. It was time to go, I didn't feel like buying more than one beer when I had a few in the fridge at home.

Am I a douchebag? Probably. Is he a bigger douchebag? Certainly. If anyone came up to me during my draft and offered me advice, I'd be spouting out "get the hell away from me" faster than a public masturbator says it to a creepy investigative reporter.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

 

This is how we roll

I am used to losing. That isn't to say I am by default a loser in most aspects of life. Quite the contrary, actually: I'm devastatingly handsome, I have a tattoo so striking you'll go blind if you look directly at it, my bank account is swollen and I'm an absolute rock star at my day job. Oh, and I find the nightlife to be so filled with lovely ladies the entire pursuit is beginning to bore me. Do you have difficulty getting laid? I can't relate; I'm getting laid right now, as I write.

At this point, you're probably wondering two things: (1) is this guy serious? and (2) if he's such a stallion, how in the world can he be used to losing? The first question should be obvious, the second I'll tackle right now: I'm used to losing because I've played so many sports. Played soccer, hockey, basketball and golf throughout my youth, played baseball through college. And no matter how amazing one is at sports -- and I am undeniably amazing, seriously, you really should come see me sometime -- you just get used to losing. You have to.

My point is this: I have devised the ideal method to losing with grace. It's a bit risky, but also a strategy that's been working for me throughout my charmed life.

Act like you didn't care to begin with. It's really the only way. Once you see the game starting to slip from your hands, start half-assing it in a way that says to your opponent, "yes, I know I'm going to lose this contest, but frankly I couldn't care less. You feel like winning? Go ahead. Let's just get this over with, for I have better things to do." By employing such a strategy you always save face, maintain your pride, keep your chin up. Aren't I a genius?

In that spirit, I don't think I am going to do very well in this fantasy football league. More importantly: I do not care. Ha. Beat me all you want, I wasn't invested in the first place. And you know who the real loser is here? The one who cares. Win or lose, I am still a better person than you.

A list of my excuses this season:

1. Rudi Johnson (my first overall pick) kept getting glare from Chad Johnson's teeth bouncing off the stadium lights to break any tackles.

2. Dominick Davis (second round selection) was just too .... (series of mumbles as writer attempts to make excuses through a jag of blubbery tears while simultaneously blaming the tears on allergy season).

3. I will of course blame Bledsoe's bed-shitting on Terrell Owens. After all, if ESPN has taught us anything, it's that T.O. is to blame for most things gone wrong in the world. Other things for which Owens can be blamed: Asian bird flu, bees at picnics, flat tires, the popularity of Foreigner, wind, Bill O'Reilly and the cancellation of My So-Called Life.

4. My roommate convinced me to draft Muhsin Muhammed over Darrell Jackson. He was flipping through my draft magazine and, when I told him who I was going to select, commented, "no, don't do that. Muhammed is listed way higher than Jackson." Trusting the mag, I chose Muhsin, only to have my roommate say mere seconds afterwards, "oh no, wait, I read that wrong, take Jackson he's listed way higher sorry dude my bad it's not too late is it?" Too late to change my pick, yes. Too late to bang my head on keyboard, why no, it's not too late a'tall.

So there you go. You asked for my thoughts on my team, there you have it. I am setting the bar so goddamn low my boys can't possibly disappoint me. I will operate this team as I operate my life: if things are going right, I'm jumping with glee. If things are going wrong, I don't give a shit.

-- Kooby Pickett, owner of team Lick My Love Pump

 

The Bad News Bears

Consider this to be a post about who your should take in your other draft, because I've got the goods.

QB D. McNabb
WR A. Boldin
WR A. Toomer
RB C. Williams
TE M. Lewis
W/R D. Foster
BN L. Maroney
BN Mi. Vick
BN V. Young
BN A. Chatman
K J. Brown
DEF Indianapolis

Two words, Donte fucking Stallworth. McNabb has the option that he's needed ever since TO stopped playing football and started his Paris Hilton impression. He can really turn on the jets, and should be a very viable option for a wideout that was certainly in need.

Boldin could be this year's Steve Smith. Look for Edgerin James to get clock burning and goal line gigs, but Boldin should be snagging the big tosses for yardage and points.

Amani "It's Not a" Toomer will benefit from a maturing Little Manning and less carries for an overworked Tiki Barber.

Caddilac is going to have a breakout year. He'd going to be counted on for ground yardage, red zone touches, and could be a top option for short passes. Everything I read about this team is about how Carnell will be carrying the Bucs on his back this year.

Marcedes Lewis is pretty much untested, but could be a pleasant surprise if the Jags passing game comes up big.

Steve Smith is going to be quintuple covered this season. Well, not that bad, but he's going to have a lot more hands in his face. Foster will have to step it up.

The Seahawks are not going to be the same team as last year. Alexander is not going to get as many TD's. Josh Brown has a chance to be this year's Neil Rackers - the golden toed K on a team who can certainly drive, but not seal the deal.

Indy's D is still going to be stellar. The loss of Edge and the possiblity that the wide reciever core might not be as effective this year will make the Colts rely on their D more. They will step it up.

The bench - In the first two preseason games, 55 of Maroney's 65 yards were with after contact. Dillon's going to overexert himself and break whatever it is he's broken the last few years. Ron Mexico is a viable bye week option, and Vince Young will drag Kerry Collins' rotting corpse off the field and kick some ass at some point. And p.s., Antonio Chatman is going to be a kickoff return machine.

Summer's Eve and the D-Bags are going to be the spoilers of the DTAAAFL, and will roll suckas as the league dark horse. When your top-6 pick is out for the season, I'll be there waiting to grab your spot.

 

The Bukkake Chronicles, Day 2

August 29, 2006

Dear Diary,
Dear Journal,

Yo,

I felt kind of gay when I started this journal. But then I remembered that I banged Paris Hilton not a few months back, and restored my manhood. So I guess I can continue doing this without any questions as to my sexuality. Yep. Straight as an arrow. That's me. Not one queer bone in my body. So if that butt pirate Doug Jolly tries to make a pass at me, I'll just say, “No! No, Doug. I'm a straight man. A big straight man. I don't want your throbbing cock. It's pussy all the way for me.” Yeah, that'll tell him.

It's kind of intimidating being the rookie backup third stringer, especially when Peyton Manning is in front of you. At least Sinorice has his brother to keep him company. All I have is this lousy journal. I bet I'd have more friends if I was the second string quarterback. Everyone respects the second stringer; just look at Joey Harrington.

But how? How can I beat out Griese? He's experienced, and his dad won a Super Bowl or something. How does a rookie beat out a veteran? I mean, I could always....

Yeah, that's it! This is the best idea ever! All I need is a plan. A plan so complex and devious, that even I won't be able to figure out what it means. If I can just gain Griese's trust, it will all work out.

Thanks, journal. You've made my current mission clear. I must kill Brian Griese. Bwahahahahahahah! Bwahahahahahaha!

Er, I guess I didn't need to type the maniacal laugh.

- M.L.

Monday, August 28, 2006

 

Fantasy, like real games, requires practice

I just finished my third and final fantasy draft of the season, and it was a gem - Carson Palmer at QB, LT at RB, a solid receiving corps, a good defense and kicker, and a bench of young gambles, proven role players, and injury insurance. I feel great about it, and look forward to being able to humbly accept praise (and money) from my grad school friends come December.

Unfortunately, the draft for this league was my first draft of the year. So things didn't go so well. And instead of accolades, all I have to look forward to on this page is well-deserved mockery. Let's go to the tape:

Round 1: I have the #2 pick overall. Between LT and Shaun Alexander, I actually prefer LT this year - with Steve Hutchinson leaving the Hawks for the Vikes, I feel like the Hawks line won't be as good for Sweet Shaun as it has in the past, and LT is a better receiving back. Needless to say, Shaun will now repeat as MVP and LT will breakdown in Week 3. I don't want to cheer for the Madden curse, but ... I'm cheering for the Madden curse.

Round 2: Pick #31, and there is a LOT of talent off the board. I don't want to reach for a quarterback, and I don't like any of the RBs left on the board that early either. I settle for Hines Ward. I know he's solid and everything, but I feel lame taking him the 2nd. I immediately regret the decision. Milk was a bad choice.

Round 3: Pick #34, and suddenly, reaching for a QB doesn't seem so bad with 28 picks before my next selection. Hasselbeck's off the board, so I go for Little Manning. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? As someone would say afterwards, "The problem with Eli is that he has the Manning Face, but without the garbage time stats to use as rationalization." Ugh.

Round 4: Pick #63, or as I like to refer to it, "The Pick That Sealed My Fate." I want another WR, and I take Deion Branch. Immediately, the other guys kill me on the chat board. In honesty, I hadn't been following his contract negotations - I had no clue they were going so bad. To make matters worse, while everyone else in the draft is getting Vanderjagted, I have interviews starting at 9am and am thus limited to mainlining Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Things are not exactly coming up Eirishis.

Rounds 5-10: Still in a daze from my last two picks, I rattle off an impressive string of poor picks. Here they are, with the best smack heard afterwards, either in the draft chatroom or from friends the next day:
Finally, at 11 (#162 overall), I strike gold, stealing a fucking soldier to start at TE. At least, the guys in the league said that was a steal. I'm a Browns fan. I know better. He'll get hurt again, and I'll be stuck with a man named Bubba at tight end. I don't feel much better about getting Brad Johnson as my backup QB in the 12th, seeing as how his top receiver apparently went to the same rehab program as the Hoff. Too bad Koren Robinson played football at N.C. State instead of basketball at Duke. I hear they are more OK with DUIs in Durham.

So, what have I learned? Like so many other things in life, practice makes perfect - I learned from my mistakes in this draft. This league is going to be a lot of fun - it's always great to play fantasy with guys who are as passionate about football (fantasy and reality) as I am, no matter where you finish. But the pleasure will be purely based on this blog and the chatter between players, 'cause the Blaine (MO) Players will be waiting for their big break for a long, long time.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

 

The Bukkake Chronicles, Scene 1

INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY

PEYTON MANNING, newly drafted quarterback for the Bukkake Squad, unpacks his belongings into a locker. The blue carpeted room is lined with 43 lockers, each labeled with the name of its inhabitant. They are all empty, save for that of Manning, who is soaking in the aural tones of Kenny Chesney’s “Summertime.”* The pleasant, soothing aroma of Glade Plug-Ins wafts through the room, evidence that the season hasn’t quite started yet.

After placing most of his garb into the locker, Manning removes one last item from his bag: a cardboard cylindrical tube. A posted is excised from the tube and hung up on the back wall of Manning’s locker.



MANNING
Channel the Brady. Don’t think about the pressure. WWBD. What Would Brady Do?


A tall character enters the room, looming over Manning’s shoulder.

MIKE VANDERJAGT
He would lead this team to the DTAAAFL Bowl title this year. Which is more than can be said for you, choke artist.


Manning does a quick 180.

MANNING
Well, I guess the GM thinks highly of kickers with low I.Q.s

VANDERJAGT
And QBs who crap the bed in the playoffs.

MANNING
Hey, listen to that. Our idiot kicker so conveniently forgets that he missed the game-tying field goal against the Steelers last year.

VANDERJAGT
What? Is there someone else in the room? Who are you talking to?

MANNING
A big fat idiot.

VANDERJAGT
I know you are, but what am I?

MANNING
A big fat idiot.

VANDERJAGT
I know you are, but what…


The faint sounds of a funky hip-hop beat can be heard approaching, gaining in volume by the second. The attentions of Manning and Vanderjagt are diverted to the door. As the perpetrators get closer, the words, "If your ho only know that she was getting’ fucked on the 7th floor," can be heard. And, to no one’s surprise at this point, the Brothers Moss strut into the room with a train of hos in tow.

MANNING
Hey! This is a players only locker room. Your, uh, friends can’t be here.

SANTANA MOSS
Chill, yo. We ain’t practicin’ yet. We just wanted these hos to see what we all about.

HO NO. 1
Did you just call us hos?

SANTANA
I meant it in a complimentary way.

HO NO. 1
Oh, okay.


SINORICE MOSS, after dropping his belongings at the foot of his locker, reaches into a bag and pulls out a small bong – which expands into quite a large bong.

VANDERJAGT
Oh, sweet! Retractable bong!

MANNING
What? You can’t do that in the locker room, either!

SINORICE
Well, I figure if I practice high, play the game high, I’ll score high points.

VANDERJAGT
I’m down with that.

SANTANA
Yeah, I’ll fucks wit ya.

MANNING
This is not the way this team will be run! Wait till coach gets here. He’ll clear things up.


Right on cue, ROCKIN JOE STALIN pops his head in the door.

ROCKIN JOE STALIN
What is that, a strain of Northern Lights?

SINORICE
Hell yeah, bro.

ROCKIN JOE
I’m definitely hittin’ that.


Sinorice lights the bong as Rockin Joe takes a mighty pull. Vanderjagt follows in tow.

VANDERJAGT
Wait, coach, aren’t you the guitarist in Tyrannosaurus Rox?

ROCKIN JOE
One and the same.


Santana takes a hit, and without offering one to the hos, the cypher starts again with Sinorice.

MANNING
Can I request a trade?


*Kenny Chesney sucks, and I had to look up a popular song of his that wasn't called, "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy," because, well, tractors aren't sexy at all. Unless you want a ho with gap teeth and varicose veins.

Friday, August 25, 2006

 

My Draft, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Pick Steven Jackson



Face it- a monkey, or even Matt Millen, could pick from spots 1-3 in this year's fantasy draft and not screw it up. LJ, LDT and Alexander were no brainers and, predictably, went in that order in our draft. So that left me, Mary Beth's Box, with the best of the rest to choose from.

This first pick could very well make or break my team, so I needed to make the call before draft night- where, frankly, I might be too drunk to make a rational decision. Do I take Tiki Barber? No denying he put up fantastic numbers last season. The guy is very elusive and able to get through even the smallest hole, much like John Karr on a date with a 5 year old. Or do I draft Peyton Manning? Its not like his post-season statistics would be an issue. Through a process of elimination, I ultimately settled on Steven Jackson of the Rams.

As soon as the pick was made, others in the league began to question the selection. Taking Jackson certainly wasn't the safe decision, and maybe it wasn't even a smart one. And now, a few days later, I do have a a twinge of buyer's remorse. It would not be the first time I made a choice that I later regretted. Like the time I let this black kid at the Y borrow my Ipod. I'm still looking for that little shit. Anyway, sometimes you just gotta go with your gut and hope it works out. I think Denny Green said something like that after drafting Dimitrius Underwood.

Since this is a league that only requires one starting RB, I decided to fill the WR position next. It is important to note that last year I got fucked at this position in one of my 39 fantasy teams. Unless you survived the Holocaust or also drafted both Nate Burleson and Michael Clayton last season, I don't think you know what real suffering is all about. With my second round pick, I selected Reggie Wayne. Along with Plaxico Burress, I think I have a decent 1-2 punch at receiver.

Next up was quarterback- my strategy has always been to wait to draft the QB spot in the later rounds. The problem with this strategy is that you usually end up with a shitty QB. My starting QB? Byron Leftwich.

Although black, Byron Leftwich has the speed of a white, middle aged accountant. (Well known fact- in college Leftwich was once carried to the huddle by two of his offensive lineman. Lesser known fact- they carried him, not due to injury, but because the team was in its hurry up offense and it was actually faster to carry the fat Leftwich rather than have him walk to the huddle on his own.) Because Leftwich might not be the answer at QB, I needed a competent backup. Unable to find a competent backup, I was forced to take Phillip Rivers.

So there you have it. Let the games begin.

 

I'm A Selfish Bastard Who Only Writes About His Team

Boredom is a terrible condition. It leads to activities such as wasting time reloading Deadspin and penning commentary on the Yankees (at The Sporting Brews -- someone can add that to the sidebar if they want). This fantasy football writing thingymabobber is a great cure for boredom, especially considering I'm on assignment for the next two weeks. I'm supposed to be writing a 2,500 word article on the new car models for 2007, but why the hell would I write about that when I can comment on a fictional football league that's based on a real football league?

I'd just like to say that it hurt to take Manning with the sixth pick, but I couldn't pass on him. I play in a league with my brother every year, and for the past three he's taken Manning and stomped everyone. I guess I'm just trying to channel the essence of his fantasy football greatness.

However, it does bother me that my running back situation – and, as a result, my season – hinges in a significant way on Reggie Bush playing his way into the starting lineup or Deuce McCallister falling victim to a misfortune (three misfortunes, that's possible; seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance; but nine separate misfortunes? Ha! I'd like to see that!).

And, if that wasn't bad enough, my two backup running backs aren't exactly fantasy pedigrees. Tatum Bell, as of the last time I read fantasy news, isn't technically the starter in Denver. Some guy named Mike Bell has won Coach Teflon's heart and has been spotted behind the best running scheme in the NFL. Or second best, depending on how you view the Chiefs. Anyway, the logic behind this pick is that Mike Shannahan intentionally fucked with fantasy players across the nation by naming M. Bell his starter so early. I'm not biting, Mike, not for a second. Not with Tatum Bell on the roster.

And the other backup is none other than Kevan Barlow, recently acquired by the Jets. The logic: uh, he's going to start, and the Jets offensive line isn't as inept as last year. I mean, add Holley Mangold in at guard, and you've got an offensive line so gargantuan that only a black man could penetrate it.

Basically, what I'm saying is that if anyone wants to trade me an upper tier running back for Matt Leinart, now is the time. Because when he breaks out and is racking up the fantasy points on my bench, he'll be a little costlier. In the form of, say, YOUR SOUL. Either that, or a running back and a receiver. Or a defense. I think I'm going with a rotating defense anyway (not much faith in the consistency of New England in the regular season), so yeah, Leinart for a running back now, Leinart for a running back and a defense when he breaks out. Seems like a steal now, huh?

What you just read was a jumble of inane blabber. But you know what? It's not any worse than what you'll read from the Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fantasy “experts.”

 

Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be used to prevent earthquakes.



Here at Deadspin's AAA Affiliate, we do things a little differently. We're not into things like statistics or scouting reports. We don't care if someone's arm is off. It's only a flesh wound, after all. We just know that if Edgerrin James floats, he'll probably score us 18 points a week. Or he's a witch.

So on Wednesday, the 23rd of August, all the Bruces in the league got together and did a quick draft, with a minimum of fuss, much joviality, and of course, no poofters.


It's my pleasure, fellow Bruces, to analyze my draft for the merriment of all. In addition to being a Bruce, I'm also known as Bowdenx3 on Deadspin.

I went into the draft with three goals.

First, draft Stephen Jackson.

Second, spend my second and third picks on wide receivers.

Third, try to get a decent quarterback, at least one better than Kurt Warner.

Fourth . . .

I went into the draft with four goals.



First, draft Stephen Jackson.

Second, spend my second . . .

You get the point.

Things didn't really go quite as planned. It seems that no one expected to take Portis or Tiki in the top 5, and Jackson got snatched up with the fourth pick. This left me with Ronnie Brown, who I'm less confident about, but still comfortable with.

I took Terrell Owens with the 28th pick, and if Bill Parcells kisses TO's owie before Week 1 and makes the boo-boo go away, I think he'll be ok. And if he's playing, I think Owens with the 28th pick is a steal. Perhaps better, Roy Williams fell to me with the 37th pick. This was pretty much what I wanted to do with these two picks, and surprisingly, it went off well.

Taking Todd Heap in the fourth round was probably a bad idea. I was reacting to the previous 4 picks, which saw Crumpler, Witten and Shockey fly off the board. Worse, QBs were going like crazy, forcing me into taking Kurt Warner with my 5th pick.

Things settled in after that, with some interesting banter being exchanged about local beers, and I suspect, several Bruces partaking of said local beers.

I like most of my other picks - Ahman Green might be healthy, and Troy Williamson might make the most of his talent. Michael Jenkins might find gold if Ron Mexico finds consistency, and Chris Henry might not get arrested again.

I figure if two of the four pan out, I'll have done well.

Chris Simms makes a decent backup if Warner shits the bed, which I can't imagine will happen given his #1 and #2 receivers, but that just means it probably will.

I'm actually very happy with my kicker and defense. I took Washington a bit early, and they play in what might be a tough division, but I think they'll rise to the occasion. And Matt Stover, even though he's pretty mundane, should get plenty of opportunities with a better offense this year.

The other big moment of excitement came when Blaine (MO) Players stole Kellen Winslow in the 11th round or so. I had Heap, but I was looking for some insurance, and I think Winslow was a great sleeper pick, especially in round 11.

So I'm starting the following team of philosophers -

QB - Kurt Warner aka Georg Wilhelm Fredrich Hegel

RB - Ronnie Brown aka Schopenhauer

WR - Terrell Owens aka Socrates
WR - Roy Williams aka Plato

W/R - Ahman Green aka David Hume

TE - Todd Heap aka Wittgenstein

K - Matt Stover aka Maimonides

DEF - Washington aka The Pyrrhonian Skepticist Movement


I already know I'm going to enjoying playing in this league - we already have a trade in the works, and our Yahoo! Message Board has become so clunky and overloaded that we've opened up an ezBoard for a better discussion format.

What's more, my team (Mo Vaughn's Shiny Neon Ass), is matched up with Got the Ass in Week 1, which promises to be a duel of the most ass-tastic proportions. And of course, I can't wait until Mo Vaughn's Shiny Neon Ass goes up against Holly Mangold's Gash.

And since we've made trash talking mandatory, I'd like to leave you with the following image of what my team will be doing to yours.


Thursday, August 24, 2006

 

For Those of You That Are Interested (all 16 of you)

As was mentioned below, last night was DAAAFFL's first annual fantasy draft. The turnout was fantastic as expected, though personally, I blacked out after my third pick (which would explain why I woke up this morning with Charlie Frye, Priest Holmes and Curtis Martin on my team, but I digress). Too many Endurance Ale's followed by Budwesier (diesel) followed by Rolling Rock. It got ugly.

Anyhoo, I promised our loyal readers a draft review and a draft review they will get (an abbreviated one, I'll go over some picks I felt were important after the first few rounds). The first round and second round will include team names, after that it'll just be player names, because I am fucking lazy, and should probably be doing some real work instead. I might have a thing or two to say about the round, and the picks. If anyone has any recollection of what transpired in the chat, feel free to throw it in the comments. Here we go,

Round 1

1. Drowning Mice - Larry Johnson
2. Blaine (MO) - Ladainian Tomlinson
3. holley Mangold's Gash - Shaun Alexander
4. Mary Beth's Box - Stephen Jackson
5. MV'sShinyNeonAss - Ronnie Brown
6. Bukkake Squad - Chessning
7. Jay Mariotti's Binky - Coach Janky Spanky
8. Ohio is for Lovers - Tiki Barber
9. BiggerThanJezus - Edge
10. LickMyLovePump - Rudi Johnson
11. BackfieldPenetration - Starvin' Marvin Harrison
12. Got The Ass - Lamont Jordan
13. Carl Monday is God - Steve Smith
14. OopsIShitTheTub - Larry Fitzgerald
15. SummersEve&TheDBags - Cadillac
16. Orton's Drinkers - Willis McGahee

I don't know if anyone noticed, but 2...count them 2...Cardinals went in the first round (and as you'll see, 3 actually went in the Top 20. I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I am currently typing this, shaking in the corner of my neighborhood fallout shelter. Anybody reading this will also question the decision to pick Jackson at 4 and Brown at 5 before more distinguished fantasy players such as Tiki, Edge or Manning. Jackson, I believe, is poised for a breakout year and could very well rack up the fantasy points under Marshall Faulk's tutelage. Ronnie Brown, now that there are no questions about who will be the starting tailback, may run circles around the defenses of the AFC East. I like everyone's picks n the first round, and I look forward to the first major injury (Madden Curse PLEASE go away).

Round 2
1. Orton's Drinkers - That young handsome quarterback of the New England Patriots
2. SummersEve - Anquan Boldin
3. OopsIShitTheTub - Antonio Gates
4. Carl Monday - Chad Johnson
5. Got The Ass- Randy Moss
6. Backfield - Julius Jones
7. LovePump - Domanick Davis
8. Jezus - Torry Holt
9. Ohio is for Lovers - Brian Westbrook
10. Mariotti's Binky - M. Hasselbeck
11. Bukkake - Reggie Bush
12. MV'sNeonAss - TO
13. MB's Box - Reggie Wayne
14. HM's Gash - Jake Delhomme
15 Blaine (MO) - Hines Ward
16. The Drowning Mice - Chris Chambers

Antonio Gates is a fucking machine, in case nobody paid attention last year, I wanted him with the 30th pick, but he went to the tub shitter. Tom Brady with the 17th pick is risky because he wins games with that dink and dunk bullshit, he murdered me when I had him 2 years ago. The question marks from round 2 are Reggie Bush, will he start? How many touches will he get? How many of his friends and family will be arrested before the end of the season? TO, will he throw Bledsoe under a bus? Parcells? Drew Rosenhaus? Your mom? Will Brian Westbrook manage not to suck this year, will Chad Johnson break the NFL record for fines in a year (okay that has nothing to do with fantasy, but still, it's a legit question). Can Julius Jones wrestle touches away from Marion Barber and will Hines Ward stop fucking smiling already? Jesus!

Round 3
1. R. Droughns
2. Lil' Manning
3. tony Gonzalez
4. P. Burress
5. Ro. Williams
6. Santananana Moss
7. D. Driver
8. Carson Palmer
9. Willie Parker
10. Andre Johnson
11. Javon Walker
12. C. Taylor
13. Warrick Dunn
14. C. Dillon
15. D. Foster
16. T. houshmandzdahehehdehfthtg

Dunn was a steal late in the third even if he is splitting carries with that fat fuck TJ Duckett, TJ Houshmandzadeh was also a steal. Driver and Walker have The Jake Plummer throwing to them (and he hasn't even been drafted yet) so they are a risk. Somebody tell Tony Gonzales to catch some fucking touchdowns this year. Thank You.

Round 4
1. D. Jackson
2. D. McNabb
3. D. Culpepper
4. J. Addai
5. M. Bulger
6. T. Green
7. D. Bledsoe
8. J. Shockey
9. J. Witten
10. J. Lewis
11. A. Crumpler
12. T. Heap
13. B. Leftwich
14. J. Horn
15. D. Branch
16. Chicago D

Round 4 saw 6 QB's, 4 TE's and our first Defense taken. Question marks are firmly implanted above the heads of Culpepper and McNabb, Addai in the fourth round is a stretch since the starting job isn't necessarily his yet, Jamal Lewis needs to stop selling crack or murdering people or whatever the fuck it is that they do in Baltimore (get STDs). For those interested Joe Horn has been traded by HG's Gash to Got the Ass for Drew Brees and Fred Taylor Insurance.

Round 5
1. The Snake
2. McCardell
3. Fred Taylor and every groin joke that goes with him
4. K. Jones
5. K. Warner
6. D. Mason
7. R. McMichael
8. L. Coles
9. J. Galloway
10. M. Muhammad
11. Deuce
12. L. Evans
13. Dominic Rhodes
14. Reg. Brown
15. L. Maroney
16. F. Gore

Round 5 saw a number of insurance pick ups (McAllister, Rhodes, Maroney) as well as Jake "the snake" Plummer and Kurt "the devout" Warner. Both QB's, of course, may be supplanted by the end of the year by rookies Cutler and Leinart.

Round 6
Interesting picks included Indianapolis's defense going to SummersEve (bastard, they won me my league last year) the first Kicker, the immortal Neil Rackers, went to the TubShitter, Toothlessberger went to Carl Monday, Everyone's favorite white clown Chris Cooley went. Retirement cocktease and interception tossing extraordinaire Brett Favre went to Jezus.

Round 7
Two Denver RB's with the last name Bell went 4 picks away from one another, two fat fucks (LenDale White and TJ Duckett went one after another and SummerEve took Ron Mexico.

The Second Hald
Notable Picks in the last 7 rounds:

Kyle Boller - Round 14, S. Mcnair - Round 8, Matt Schaub - Round 13, Matt Leinart - Round 14, Vince Young - Round 10, Chad Pennington - Round 10, Jon Kitna - Round 10, Josh McCown - Round 12, Priest Holmes - Round 13, Curtis Martin - Round 14, Ron Dayne - Round 9, Samkon Gado - Round 14, Kellen Winslow - Round 11, Phillip Rivers - Round 8, Chris Henry - Round 13, Koren Robinson - Round 14 (already dropped).

I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to this season, and I am excited to do a premiership type fantasy league with the League of ExtraOrdinary Deadspin Posters. We all know how funny it would be to see the likes of Will Leitch or any of our favorite Deadspin commenters slumming with us down here next year while some of our elite teams make the move up.

I'm sure this entire interweb is looking forward to not only our league but also the daily fantasy football blurbs by our excellent group of commenters.*

Can't wait for Holley Mangold's Gash to do battle with Mary Beth's Box in week 10, the world will never be the same.


*Note: By excellent group of commenters I mean a bunch of degenerate alcoholics who are unproductive in their daily lives and spend their time doing fantasy football and posting on Deadspin.

Update: Our good friends a Kissing Suzy Kolber put up a post about their draft which is a much quicker and more entertaining read than the one you presumably just got finished with. I suggest taking a look, and then expressing your sympathy for MMP's shitty draft in their comments section.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

 

LOOKING FOR WRITERS!

So BigRicks and I decided that we want to do a running commentary on the state of Fantasy Football from our league’s perspective for the blog. We came up with the idea of having us do a weekly write up of how different divisions did FF-wise (well, we didn’t originate it, but, well, you know… whatever).

We will create a template of what we want covered (Stud player of the week, (points) loser of the week, etc.), and all you have to do is fill in the blanks, preferably with more than one word. We run it like Tuesday, so that’ll give you a day to shake off your hangover and churn out like 250 words after copying it off of ESPN Insider. Easy as pie.

I've got the AFC West and East. BigRicks has got the NFC East and South. Since we're initiating it, we figure we'd do the heavy lifting, so you guys don't have to. So four divisions left... who wants in?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

 

Initial Post, No Promises, All Apologies

Warning: This may be seen as a complete rip off of the Fantasy Football League of Extraordinary Deadspin Posters (FFLXDSP) and that's because, well, it is. Below you can find the draft order of the 16 teams that make up the Deadspin Triple-A Affiliate Fantasy Football League (DAAAFFL from here on out). Our draft is Wednesday August 22nd at 8:00 PM. Results will be posted that evening (but more likely the following day). The draft order is as follows (notice the All-Star Deadspin talent in parentheses):

1. The Drowning Mice (SirHotbodHandsomeface)
2. Blaine (MO) Players (Eirishis)
3. Holley Mangold's Gash (BigRicks)
4. Mary Beth's Box (rsr26)
5. MVsShinyNeonAss (BowdenBowdenBowden)
6. Bukkake Squad (Rockin Joe Stalin)
7. Jay Mariotti's Binky (Iron Chef Xenu)
8. Ohio Is For Lovers
9. BiggerThanJezus
10. Lick My Love Pump (The tastefully named, Brandon)
11. Backfield Penetration (denis lemieux)
12. Got The Ass (Str8 Cash Homies)
13. Carl Monday is God (Scott Senay)
14. OopsIShittheTub (TurdBlossom)
15. SummerEve&TheDBags (StartingAces)
16. Orton's Drinkers (PurduePaul)

In the words of Walter Sobchek, this league is not exactly a lightweight. If your worried that this blog will feature only the fantasy football results of 16 sports-obsessed losers, fear not young jedi, for I will update regularly with witty comments about various topics of which you will no doubt be interested. Any suggestions (or if i left you out), leave a comment.

Konichiwa. Bitches.

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